time to get something out there. i hardly ever talk about it but it's been killing me more.. so i had this best friend. so, it was around december and he started to not show up at school for weeks . i was in love with this boy , he was my best friend. my teachers pulled me in a different room and explained it to me. brain tumors. they were killing him. i remember how shocked i was, and still am.. since when do these things ever supposed to happen? it's torture. i would switch it for it to happen to me instead of him, any day.. i wouldn't ever think of the world the same without him. it was the worst feeling. then, when he showed up at school weeks later i got to see him . it was really bad.. he was in a wheelchair, he was losing his hair. i could see the pain in his eyes. i would try to make him laugh because i love him, but his laughs would turn into wheezes. i would look into his eyes and see torture, pain, agony. he tried pretending he was okay. i was trying to get a way to..tell him how i feel about him. that i was madly in love with him and it hurts me so much to see that happen to him. my voice was small and when i tried talking i couldn't find words. my mind was blowing up & he was my heaven. i just wanted him better. i couldn't lose him! he was my love. but why couldn't i tell him? later, he talked to our friend Emily. He talked to her in private. I wasn't really concerned at first, but what if he loved her instead of me? most likely, he would. Emily got quiet around me after thy talked and i guessed that's what it was. god my hands are shaky just typing this. then he talked to his other friend, Michael. in private, afterwards too.. he didn't really talk to me in private. i wheeled him around all day long and skipped most of my classes because it didn't matter to me because i was with him. my everything. but then, in June.. he went to heaven. 2 days before my mom's birthday. i couldn't stop crying. i'm crying right now typing this, it still hurts. the other thing is, emily&michael told me what he was talking to them about. he said he loved me. but he loved emily at the same time, too. emily didn't love him back the same way as that, but it still hurt so much that it was both of us. i knew there was a twist to it. that's why i figured i could never tell him. i'm too weak+no one could ever feel the same, how i love them. i never told anybody that part, not even someone who should..but that's my confession. this is why it's so hard for me to tell somebody i'm in love with them. because, years later, now, i'm in love with somebody else. it's extremely crazy i could. i still miss himlike crazy, that should have never happened to him. but what if this love slips away from me? i will have nobody. i am nobody..