♥ sometimes it's just not going to work ♥
why?
because i was left with nothing as you were gone. you left this earth & i lost myself. you're my brother and i feel so drained that you're gone. you're dead. i'm lost. what do i do without you? how do i carry on? all the times we had together, going to the carnival and going on those huge swings that shot us up past the trees, even in the rain and we were all laughing. we went to the bumper cars and you said "what if i just sat here and didn't move" to get bumped all over the place and annoy all the other drivers. i remember we would play PS3 together and watch all the dancing videos to dubstep music on youtube. we would watch movies and mess around with gabe. we went to menasha with ann & when her mom died you were an angel. you always helped her even though i wasn't there, stupid custody. i wish i was. now that you're gone i need someone like that. but you're gone. i need the help ann needed, which you gave her. all i can think now besides the good times is the way i found you. my dad was screaming and crying and i ran in there and seen it. i seen you. lying there in bed, purple lips,eyes closed, cold, pale, terrible..my dad tried moving you and you were totally stiff and heavy as we dialed for help. i fell to the floor in tears and instantly i was hoping there was some way you could come back. you can't leave! you're an amazing brother but they said there was no way. and when i found out why that happened, it crushed me. i never thought this would happen. why? why did it happen like this? anytime i am close to someone, i'm bad luck. i feel like it's my fault when i didn't cause it. but you know, my best friend passed away, my grandpa, and so many more, terrible things happen to amazing people that i love. i turned terrible & i'm lost. i cry so much now but i can cry in silence since i'm too hurt to make a sound. i don't want anybody to see me cry. they won't understand. they never will. losing a brother is losing yourself. if you cut they misunderstand you. if you don't eat because you can't get out of bed from the depression, they judge you. i always get judged by everything. do you think i like it this way? i slashed the sides of my stomach with a knife until i got caught. i thought of dying in any way i could and just i don't want to be here without you.
r.i.p. devin
i miss you with my whole soul. i feel so heartless because it's either i have no emotion or every single emotion coming at me at once. i love you so fkking much.
i miss you.
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magesticceecee