&will someone please tell me,
WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE SEVERELY DEPRESSED?
I'M AFRAID I HAVE IT. I'M AFRAID I'VE HAD IT FOR
AWHILE NOW, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET
RID OF IT,OF WHAT TO DO TO NOT LET IT GET
TO ME EVEN MORE THAT IT HAS. I CUT. I HAVE
THOUGHT ABOUT KILLING MYSELF, TOO MUCH
TO EVEN BE CLOSE TO NORMAL. I HAVE WROTE
MULTIPLE SUICIDAL NOTES-TO MY BOYFRIEND,
MY FAMILY, MY SISTER, MY BEST FRIEND, MY
EX. I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT HOW I WOULD DO
IT, I HAVE THE PLAN IN MY HEAD, TUCKED AWAY.
I JUST HAVEN'T GOTTEN THE GUTS TO DO IT YET.
I KNOW WHAT I WOULD GIVE TO EVERYONE, WHAT
I WOULD WANT TO BE WITH ME WHEN I'M BURIED.
I'VE WRITTEN IT ALL OUT. I'VE DREAMT ABOUT IT.
I DON'T TALK IN SCHOOL ANYMORE-I DON'T TRY
TO TALK TO PEOPLE, I IGNORE THEM WHEN THEY
TALK TO ME, UNLESS IT'S MY BEST FRIEND. NO
ONE KNOWS HOW MUCH I WANT TO DIE. I REALLY
DO. AND THERE'S REALLY NOTHING WRONG WITH
MY LIFE. I SHOULD BE HAPPY. BUT I'M NOT. I CANT
BE, I'VE TRIED, I'VE BEEN TRYING, I JUST CANT DO
IT. I DON'T WANT TO GO. I WANT TO LIVE AND HAVE
KIDS, BUT I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE HERE. I'M
TIRED OF SCHOOL AND FAMILY AND EVERYTHING.
I'M JUST TOO SCARED TO LEAVE. AM I SEVERLY
DEPRESSED? SHOULD I GET HELP? I DON'T WANT
ANY, I HATE MYSELF, I HATE WRITING THIS, ASKING
FOR HELP. I FEEL WEAK AND STUPID, SAYING THIS.
I HATE EVEN TELLING PEOPLE "I'M WERID.", I FEEL
AS IF IT'S A COMPLIMENT TO MYSELF, AND THAT I
DON'T DESERVE IT. IS THAT OKAY? SHOULD IT BE
LIKE THAT? SHOULD I BE LIKE THAT? WHAT'S WRONG
WITH ME? I DON'T WANT TO GO TO A DOCTOR. I HAD
TO FILL OUT A 'DEPRESSION' TEST BEFORE FOR
THE DOCTOR, I LIED ON EVERY QUESTION EXCEPT
FOR THE LAST, AND THAT WAS "HAVE YOU EVER
ATTEMPTED SUICIDE?" EVERYTHING ELSE WAS TRUE.
BUT I DON'T FEEL DEPRESSED. THIS FEELS NORMAL
FOR ME. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS. ALL I WANT
IS JUST TO BE HAPPY AGAIN AND TRUST MY FAMILY.
Someone, please help me.
lilybye