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justm3

  1. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    May 1, 2017 9:37am UTC
    so lately
    bridges have been calling me
    calling to be built
    calling to be burnt
    calling to be jumped from
    I have only build them
    don't have the heart to burn them
    can only burn myself
    afraid of putting myself out
    at the bottom of the river
    should be proud of those
    engeniering skills and selective hearing
    but birthdays are not parties for me
    so much to celibrate
    nothing makes me sing
    I'm sitting on the bridges
    feel the bottom of the river
    calling my flames
    my feet feel supported
    by the strong cool steel

  2. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    April 17, 2017 11:06am UTC
    The man on TV says, This is the big one, folks. The man
    says, Call your mother and say
    goodbye. To save themselves, thousands of people jump
    to the bottom of a river and turn
    into fish. Fish survive devastation. Fish don’t worry about
    whether they’re loved. What does
    it mean to “end” anyway? To be a person and then a body.
    To be a city and then a ruin. Maybe
    someone should give this world the Heimlich. Maybe it’ll
    cough up all the good people it
    swallowed and choked on too soon. I think the birds are
    in mourning. I think the trees feel
    sorry for us. Too bad about all that skin covering all those
    little bones. Too bad about that noise
    emanating from the heart, untranslatable and strange. How
    does the song go? Something about
    feeling fine. I put a note in your pocket that said: CALL
    ME WHEN YOU GET THERE.
    You never got there.

  3. TheCovertComic TheCovertComic
    posted a quote
    February 25, 2017 1:47am UTC
    'Practical joke' is a redundancy.

  4. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    November 27, 2016 8:04am UTC
    Some days I am more
    low shoulers than strong back
    am more deep sigh than fierce words
    am sad
    am world inside me crumbeling
    instead of florishing
    or coliding
    and today might be such a day
    of slow of blue
    of getting trough with
    snow and tea
    snuggle sweaters
    steam, blush on cheeks
    a smile that could mean nothing
    or everything
    of getting trough

  5. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    November 1, 2016 6:26am UTC
    I was fourteen when I had a vision
    of my dieing by my own hand
    not that day, not the next one
    but soon because in the vision
    I was still a little girl
    I wept for my death
    bought flowers, bought a black dress
    prayed till my knees were red
    to absolve my sins before I went
    and then I didn't
    not that year, not the next one
    not before my eighteen and
    not the years after
    but the fear did not leave
    there is still time and
    n the mirror I still see
    a little girl

  6. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    October 24, 2016 6:38pm UTC
    everything happens for a reason
    but somethings just turn out
    bad, wrong, rotten
    you might be excited
    to enter a new world or way or
    walk of life now you met me
    however you call this
    venture in my head
    but I am still a scared little girl
    I'm still tossing and turning in my head
    questioning my creator and self
    scared if I will scar myself again
    this time in my new self destruction
    but it's new right?
    and it's fun
    right?

  7. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    October 23, 2016 1:26pm UTC
    On some nights
    I write because eventhough it is quite imbarrasing
    it's not as imbarrasing as contemplating suicide
    and the humiliation when someone spots me and sighs
    not this again
    so I write because
    yes this again
    this feeling of needing to put the pain inside
    outside
    taking out the trash wherther it is
    cutting wrists, writing anything, jumping bridges, blowing bubbles, reading poetry, crying buckets, talking about (it), healing from (it), remembering (anything)
    as long as it keeps this stinking mess outside
    only for tonight
    I need to put the mess outside for tonight
    because I want to sleep
    I want to sleep because I can't sleep
    because my body want to keep hurting itself
    while it wants to heal itself
    this is the human condition
    this is my duality

  8. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    October 8, 2016 8:10am UTC
    click to see this quote

  9. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    September 2, 2016 6:25am UTC
    What do you do when your entire healing process
    feels like the beginning of a murder ballad?
    I realized that what he had done was not right
    in the middle of the night in some faraway June.
    I somehow fell asleep after that. Woke up
    the next morning, the floor below me
    trembling, a kitchen knife in my hand
    for a split second. There isn’t a way
    for me to be honest and tell you
    I haven’t ever wanted revenge
    at the same time. I do remember his full name,
    but I do not say it out loud. I scrubbed
    any evidence of him out of me,
    and now I reek of Good Survivor.
    I am not supposed to fantasize
    about dropping a lit match in his jeans.
    I am not supposed to have imagined
    my fist lodged in his Adam’s Apple.
    So what does that make me? On his level?

    Too angry? A girl in a song only preparing herself
    to be left in the water? But I don’t think
    I’m as hungry as I’m making myself out to be.
    The truth is: if I ever saw him on the street,
    I would cross to the other side and hide myself
    in the nearest shop. That doesn’t mean
    I still haven’t woken up every morning
    thinking God has left a weapon in my hand
    in hopes of the river inside of me
    finally flooding.

  10. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    September 2, 2016 4:13pm UTC
    it hapened when I was young
    still developing as they call it
    so it's easy to take it as blame
    to take my trauma and name it
    my creator, my genisis
    because it has made me the strong woman I am
    today, right? made me survivor.
    made me miserable to be honest
    made me crazy. Made me say no
    to drinks and parties and men
    made me mad, made me vengeful
    made me the match to the gasoline
    the lade in the river, overflowing
    too much rain
    mostly it made me scared
    of dark and men and myself
    of power, of currency, of expectations
    broke me, really broke me
    and made me stand up without feet
    made me walk and run without feet
    made fun of me as I fell without feet
    until I walked, and then grew feet
    then made me strong. Made me survivor
    made me example of survivor
    good survivor
    I would have walked
    if I never lost my feet
    I would have been strong regardless
    there is no creator but myself
    I had to learn again
    to lose the mad and gain compassion
    to become the flower instead of the dager
    the smile instead of the punch
    but I got there regardless

  11. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    August 13, 2016 5:34am UTC
    I do not remember all of what happened
    I see the bruizes , the marks that come
    and go and sometimes stay
    on my skin
    I do not remember where they came from
    the accidents, the pain, the glow
    all of it is lost on me
    so I torture my memory
    look for the years that have worn me down
    in this state of constant obivion
    to the suffering I have endured
    is it possible to become soft again
    covered in this hard skin?
    if day old scabs remind
    you of years old trauma
    is it possible to start over
    when your skin refuses to forget
    what your brain refuses to remmeber

  12. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    August 22, 2016 6:33am UTC
    it's been six weeks since I last saw you
    but this week you'll be with me
    for a very short time
    only to leave me again
    and I tried to get over this feeling
    of needing you while you don't
    need me
    I text my ex boyfriend and cancel the date
    last minute
    accepting that at least for now
    my heart is stuck with you
    so I google "how to be so good in bed
    so he won't leave"
    I get tips on how to give head
    not how to get in his head
    it will always be like this
    because my brain is a nomad
    but my heart settled while you
    are not that into me
    so I'll play the part
    of being available always
    and smiling for the scraps you give
    until your or my heart
    decide to change

  13. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    August 13, 2016 5:14am UTC
    Social media tells me
    that there has to be a lot going on
    while still standing still
    constantly moving forward
    and documenting that
    while drinking thee and doing yoga
    But I'm still writing poems
    with the soul purpose of getting laid
    and while my fitness progresses
    so does my waistline because
    I started feasting where I used to starve.
    there's a lot of loud going on in my life
    that I wish stayed quiet,
    wispered only to me
    I should be the queen of this technology
    but I feel more like a servant
    so I log out and check into my brain
    it's still there
    and that should be enough
    no hashtag encompasses this passion
    no picture captures this disire
    and that should be enough

  14. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    June 29, 2016 5:54pm UTC
    click to see this quote

  15. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    June 23, 2016 11:55am UTC
    I made a house out of myself
    for you while I am a drifter
    by nature
    what if you don't like my new walls built for your comfort
    what if you don't think the funature is comfotatble
    or your taste, what if you're a nomad yourself
    and my insides stay empty
    they told me to never make a home of a person
    I never realised that others wouldn't dare to live in me aswel
    because it's scary that your roof may pack up themselves
    and leave
    No welcomemats and fireplaces can eliminate that fear
    if you show someone the low costs and nice garden
    they'll wonder why nobody else lives there before
    not realising that the house was only built for them
    when the nomad leaves
    the drifter has to realise being a house is not it's nature
    but I'll keep the door there
    in case you change your mind

  16. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    June 14, 2016 8:44am UTC
    this paper is my shrink
    makes me confess my sins
    and the tragedies that came over me
    This is my written word rehab
    learning to let go of my addicion
    with my sadness and loneliness
    Learning to stand tall by meself
    exposed for others who want to
    read about my journey
    No I'm not happy, not proud
    not yet strong or brave or smart
    but it's a work in progress
    pretending is half the work
    until I get there I can be honest here
    about the fear of being unnoticed
    fear of being alone
    or unloved
    or me

  17. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    August 26, 2012 1:24pm UTC
    hold your breath
    count to ten
    fall apart
    start again

  18. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    May 31, 2016 8:22am UTC
    It's always pushing
    and pulling
    and pushing again
    pushing, because,
    I'm a scared little girl
    I want to be alone and
    bear this misery
    pulling, because,
    I'm also afraid of being
    lonely in the dark and
    I want to borrow your light
    and pushing, again,
    because the inconsisency
    of my being is what I am
    made of
    I'm shaking the world around me
    to see what falls off
    the only one that dissapoints me
    is me

  19. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    June 8, 2016 4:49am UTC
    If I could summerize myself
    I would, but I can't so I wont
    I think a lot of it boils down to controle
    and the contole is because
    I haven't learned how to love
    myself, not yet
    love, once my dear friend
    has become a stranger
    to me, would I recognise
    it when it walked my way?
    If love is a rush, an blush
    more fysical than mental
    then I might have found it
    but it would be found in every
    dark ally where you would flee
    if love is the same routine
    comfort and unsurprising
    then I might have found it
    but it's tearing me apart
    because there's no respect
    neither of these are love
    so the search continues
    back to the feeling of that
    boy that put my hair behind
    my ear and held his breath
    to not startle the beauty

  20. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    September 23, 2012 10:58am UTC
    he: I was so scared when you wanted to kill yourself, I can't imagen life without you
    she: I wanted it all to go away
    he: you wanted me to go away
    she: yeah, you too, if the rest leaves, you're an offer I want to make. yesterday, I wished to day to leave... and it did but I forgot about today and the tomorrows will be endless... it just overwelmed me and I had to take action
    he: but now you're still alive nothing changed
    she: don't you see? everything changed, I don't have to live this way, now people know I can't handle this life, they let me live another life, they don't complain when I put all my teddybears back in my bad, they don't stop me when I just stare out of the room for hours, it freed me of the life everybody has to live. I'm officially nuts now, so I can live by my own rules

:)

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