justkiddiing

justkiddiing
posted a quote
October 11, 2020 8:44am UTC

Een vreemd boeket staat in mijn leefkamer.
De donkerpaarse zwerm verwerkt niet.
Dus ik verwijder het niet
Al is de eetkamer gevuld met vliegen
Op zoek naar zoete vruchten
Die hier niet te vinden zijn
Al is de slaapkamer gevuld met scherven
Van kopjes die wij wanhopig
Niet proberen te breken
Maar we ruimen wel op
En de bloemen staan ze zo mooi
Ook al hebben ze geen geur.

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justkiddiing
posted a quote
September 4, 2017 12:12pm UTC

My heart’s aflutter!
I am standing in the bath tub
crying. Mother, mother
who am I? If he
will just come back once
and kiss me on the face
his coarse hair brush
my temple, it’s throbbing!
then I can put on my clothes
I guess, and walk the streets.
Now I am quietly waiting for
the catastrophe of my personality
to seem beautiful again,
and interesting, and modern.
The country is grey and
brown and white in trees,
snows and skies of laughter
always diminishing, less funny
not just darker, not just grey.
It may be the coldest day of
the year, what does he think of
that? I mean, what do I? And if I do,
perhaps I am myself again.

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justkiddiing
posted a quote
July 17, 2017 6:15am UTC

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justkiddiing
posted a quote
May 1, 2017 9:37am UTC

so lately
bridges have been calling me
calling to be built
calling to be burnt
calling to be jumped from
I have only build them
don't have the heart to burn them
can only burn myself
afraid of putting myself out
at the bottom of the river
should be proud of those
engeniering skills and selective hearing
but birthdays are not parties for me
so much to celibrate
nothing makes me sing
I'm sitting on the bridges
feel the bottom of the river
calling my flames
my feet feel supported
by the strong cool steel

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justkiddiing
posted a quote
April 17, 2017 11:06am UTC

The man on TV says, This is the big one, folks. The man
says, Call your mother and say
goodbye. To save themselves, thousands of people jump
to the bottom of a river and turn
into fish. Fish survive devastation. Fish don’t worry about
whether they’re loved. What does
it mean to “end” anyway? To be a person and then a body.
To be a city and then a ruin. Maybe
someone should give this world the Heimlich. Maybe it’ll
cough up all the good people it
swallowed and choked on too soon. I think the birds are
in mourning. I think the trees feel
sorry for us. Too bad about all that skin covering all those
little bones. Too bad about that noise
emanating from the heart, untranslatable and strange. How
does the song go? Something about
feeling fine. I put a note in your pocket that said: CALL
ME WHEN YOU GET THERE.
You never got there.

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justkiddiing
posted a quote
November 27, 2016 8:04am UTC

Some days I am more
low shoulers than strong back
am more deep sigh than fierce words
am sad
am world inside me crumbeling
instead of florishing
or coliding
and today might be such a day
of slow of blue
of getting trough with
snow and tea
snuggle sweaters
steam, blush on cheeks
a smile that could mean nothing
or everything
of getting trough

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justkiddiing
posted a quote
November 1, 2016 6:26am UTC

I was fourteen when I had a vision
of my dieing by my own hand
not that day, not the next one
but soon because in the vision
I was still a little girl
I wept for my death
bought flowers, bought a black dress
prayed till my knees were red
to absolve my sins before I went
and then I didn't
not that year, not the next one
not before my eighteen and
not the years after
but the fear did not leave
there is still time and
n the mirror I still see
a little girl

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justkiddiing
posted a quote
October 30, 2016 9:47am UTC

I am so tired of waiting.
Aren’t you,
For the world to become good
And beautiful and kind?
Let us take a knife
And cut the world in two —
And see what worms are eating
At the rind.

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justkiddiing
posted a quote
October 24, 2016 6:38pm UTC

everything happens for a reason
but somethings just turn out
bad, wrong, rotten
you might be excited
to enter a new world or way or
walk of life now you met me
however you call this
venture in my head
but I am still a scared little girl
I'm still tossing and turning in my head
questioning my creator and self
scared if I will scar myself again
this time in my new self destruction
but it's new right?
and it's fun
right?

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justkiddiing
posted a quote
October 23, 2016 1:26pm UTC

On some nights
I write because eventhough it is quite imbarrasing
it's not as imbarrasing as contemplating suicide
and the humiliation when someone spots me and sighs
not this again
so I write because
yes this again
this feeling of needing to put the pain inside
outside
taking out the trash wherther it is
cutting wrists, writing anything, jumping bridges, blowing bubbles, reading poetry, crying buckets, talking about (it), healing from (it), remembering (anything)
as long as it keeps this stinking mess outside
only for tonight
I need to put the mess outside for tonight
because I want to sleep
I want to sleep because I can't sleep
because my body want to keep hurting itself
while it wants to heal itself
this is the human condition
this is my duality

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justkiddiing
posted a quote
October 8, 2016 12:03pm UTC

In the days of Kings and Queens I was a jester
Treat me like a God, or they treat me like a leper
You see me move back and forth between both
I'm trying to find a balance

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justkiddiing
posted a quote
October 8, 2016 8:10am UTC

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justkiddiing
posted a quote
October 8, 2016 7:40am UTC

I am sad
I feel that the future is hopeless and that things cannot improve
I am bored and dissatisfied with everything
I am a complete failure as a person
I am guilty,
I am being punished
I would like to kill myself
I used to be able to cry but now I am beyond tears
I have lost interest in other people
I can't make decisions
I can't eat
I can't sleep
I can't think
I cannot overcome my loneliness, my fear, my disgust
I am fat I cannot write
I cannot love
My brother is dying, my lover is dying, I am killing them both
I am charging towards my death
I am terrified of medication
I cannot make love
I cannot be alone
I cannot be with others

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justkiddiing
posted a quote
October 8, 2016 7:27am UTC

You have a lot of friends.
What do you offer your friends to make them so supportive?
(A long silence.)
What do you offer your friends to make them so supportive?
(A long silence.)
What do you offer?
(Silence.)

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justkiddiing
posted a quote
September 15, 2016 8:14am UTC

I need to confort my own weakness
some days I'm the weakest,
and others the strongest
these days are the longest
and I've got the weirdest feeling about this

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justkiddiing
posted a quote
September 2, 2016 6:00pm UTC

To be honest all the love I give
is only about me
you are just the temporary home
I stall all my love, overload and overwhelm you
but don't worry it will find a new place soon
you can keep some
but it's only just enough to make you keep comming back
keep wanting that rush, you're not gonna get
I do not love you because you're pretty
or smart or sencitive or sweet
I love you because you are there
because you are imperfect
because you are something I can leave
I was never good with becomming one
with a body of any kind so I can leave
so I can complain, so I can pretend
like I'm anything but a nomad
I can't carry all this love
so I hand it out
but don't give it to yu
it's all still mine
to take away with me

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justkiddiing
posted a quote
September 2, 2016 4:13pm UTC

it hapened when I was young
still developing as they call it
so it's easy to take it as blame
to take my trauma and name it
my creator, my genisis
because it has made me the strong woman I am
today, right? made me survivor.
made me miserable to be honest
made me crazy. Made me say no
to drinks and parties and men
made me mad, made me vengeful
made me the match to the gasoline
the lade in the river, overflowing
too much rain
mostly it made me scared
of dark and men and myself
of power, of currency, of expectations
broke me, really broke me
and made me stand up without feet
made me walk and run without feet
made fun of me as I fell without feet
until I walked, and then grew feet
then made me strong. Made me survivor
made me example of survivor
good survivor
I would have walked
if I never lost my feet
I would have been strong regardless
there is no creator but myself
I had to learn again
to lose the mad and gain compassion
to become the flower instead of the dager
the smile instead of the punch
but I got there regardless

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justkiddiing
posted a quote
September 2, 2016 6:32am UTC

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justkiddiing
posted a quote
September 2, 2016 6:25am UTC

What do you do when your entire healing process
feels like the beginning of a murder ballad?
I realized that what he had done was not right
in the middle of the night in some faraway June.
I somehow fell asleep after that. Woke up
the next morning, the floor below me
trembling, a kitchen knife in my hand
for a split second. There isn’t a way
for me to be honest and tell you
I haven’t ever wanted revenge
at the same time. I do remember his full name,
but I do not say it out loud. I scrubbed
any evidence of him out of me,
and now I reek of Good Survivor.
I am not supposed to fantasize
about dropping a lit match in his jeans.
I am not supposed to have imagined
my fist lodged in his Adam’s Apple.
So what does that make me? On his level? 
Too angry? A girl in a song only preparing herself
to be left in the water? But I don’t think
I’m as hungry as I’m making myself out to be.
The truth is: if I ever saw him on the street,
I would cross to the other side and hide myself
in the nearest shop. That doesn’t mean
I still haven’t woken up every morning
thinking God has left a weapon in my hand
in hopes of the river inside of me
finally flooding.

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justkiddiing
posted a quote
August 22, 2016 6:33am UTC

it's been six weeks since I last saw you
but this week you'll be with me
for a very short time
only to leave me again
and I tried to get over this feeling
of needing you while you don't
need me
I text my ex boyfriend and cancel the date
last minute
accepting that at least for now
my heart is stuck with you
so I google "how to be so good in bed
so he won't leave"
I get tips on how to give head
not how to get in his head
it will always be like this
because my brain is a nomad
but my heart settled while you
are not that into me
so I'll play the part
of being available always
and smiling for the scraps you give
until your or my heart
decide to change

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