Most of the time, I’m just seriously f//cking done. I just don’t even know anymore. I really don’t. One minute, I’ll be fine and the next I’m crying and hating myself so much that I seriously think of killing myself. I hate the constant mood changes. It doesn’t help with the fact that I already am too sensitive and overthink way too much to make situations even worse than they really need to be. I just always f//ck up. Even when I’m ‘happy’, I always end up slipping some negative thing into my mind. Like I’ll judge someone but it actually makes me feel worse after like cause obviously they’re the better person. They didn’t judge me. I judged them. Now what does that say about me? Really? I’m just a little b//tch that’s what. I’m never someone’s first choice. Not even a second. Not even a f//cking tenth. There’s always someone better. And I just keep all this to myself so whenever I break down and let it all crash down because I can’t hold myself together anymore no one else is there to see it. Not like they wanna be around me anyway. So what’s the point? Each time it gets worse. I’m ready to give up and let the sadness consume me. What’s the point of being happy if I’m gonna crash down like this again? You know what? I must sound like an attention seeking wh//re. That’s probably what I am anyway since I just want to try to get people’s attention since I never have any of it unless I do something stupid like that huge dumba//s fight I started with Hannah over her f//cking moving tables. MOVING F//CKING TABLES! Ha. Isn’t that pathetic? Mom, dad, are you happy with what your little girl turned out to be? A f//cking mess? I’m sure you are because every parent wants a little fat f//ck up as a daughter to brag about to all their friends. No wonder you all love Nicholle more than me. I mean she’s the good singer and actor and actually has a social life and is actually good at things. Like what does your youngest daughter have going for herself? Nothing. That’s right. NOTHING. N O T H I N G. She’s gonna end up working at McDonald’s like she said she would when she was 5 just cause she wanted to stay near her mom even though said mom moved about an hour or so away cause her parents split up. But that’s pathetic. Cause she’s really just a scared little child inside who thinks KNOWS she isn’t good enough. She might be quiet but there’s SO MUCH underneath. She’s screaming inside. Inside she’s such a mess. An emotional trainwreck. Just as every other teenager is. So why does she think it’s abnormal? And she can’t even keep the same viewpoint in a piece of writing. It goes from first person to speaking about herself in the third person. Wow. Haha. This is so f//cking pathetic. I’m done. I’m done with myself. With it all. I’m tired of always being the one who has to start a conversation with someone cause they won’t. I’m tired of being worth no one’s time. I’m tired of being worthless. I’m tired of being everything that is the opposite of what I want to be. I’m tired of it all. I just can’t deal with it. I can’t. Am I really that worthless? The worst part is, I can’t change because that’s what I’ll always be. Worthless. Pathetic. Dumb. Fat. Useless. Talentless. Nothing.
jaymarie137