everyone has some sort of pain that they deal with, each and every day. some more severe than others. i don't know what i did to deserve this issue that i've been struggling with since the age of ten. i try to hide it every day, and i don't expect anyone to understand. mom, i know we don't get along. and i'm really confused on why. i wish we could get along & talk everyday. i try to talk to you, but every time i do, i feel like i shouldn't even bother. i've been trying so hard just for one day. one day for us not to fight, one day for us not to scream. you yell at me all the time. and it's hard for me to understand why. i'm fifteen. i'm dealing with a lot. you're fourty something, you're dealing with a hell of a lot more than i am. but you're still my mom, and i'm still your daughter. why is this so difficult for us? why do you hit me? why do i go to sleep crying all the time? why do the simpliest things become the most difficult things for us to let go of. no matter how hard i try, something always goes wrong. maybe things will change one day..maybe they won't. only god knows. i wish i knew why this happens to us, and i wish i could change it but unfortunately i can't..all i can do is pray, try my best & hope for things to change. i wish i could just poof and make all the issues go away, buttt i can't. ya know what i really hate? complaining to my friends that i'm upset. then they ask why? i say "oh, my mom. as always" and they're just like oh. but they don't understand. and they never know what to say. i most definately don't expect them to because they haven't been in my shoes. & i'm happy for them that they don't have to deal with this. they don't have to know how it feels to be abused, by one of the people you love the most. yeah, you abuse me verbally & physically. but ya know what hurts the most? the verbal abuse. shocking? yeahh. probably. but that;s only because people probably think it bothers me more that you hit me, and push me. and smack me all the time. but really, i'm used to it. & i should be used to the harsh words by now, but i'm not? hm. it may sound absolutely pathetic but in all honesty,,it hurts me more when you yell at me & say the things you do. some which i shouldn't repeat on the internet. ofcourse there's more things going on in my life but this is usually the reason i cry. i hate crying. i can't even explain how much i hate the feeling of the tears rolling down my face, even though it's healthy. i hate thinking to myself how no matter how hard i try, this happens. i have 3 more years then i can move out!(: but what if in those three years,,,something really bad happens? like, we really don't get along as it is now, but. who knows what's gonna happen in those 3 years? it seems like a short time but for me, it may just be the longest three years i've ever had to deal with. i've been dealing with this ongoing, growing pain, for five years, 3 more years, that's a lot considering what i've...we've been through. i hate how everything i do you yell at me for. i hate how you hate my friends. i hate how you email your friends about how awful i am. i hate how this is happening. i hate saying "i have an abusive mom" i hate going to the guidance counsler about you. i hate crying to friends about it. i hate not being strong enough to hide the pain. i hate how i walk in to school crying. i hate how i have to miss out on things i like to do because you won't let me. i hate the feeling i get when we fight. i hate how you can't trust me. i hate the feeling when i go home. i hate how scared i am of you. i hate how i wish i could be better. i hate how whenever i think of us, i cry. you know what else really sucks? when you don't know how to explain it to people. do you remeber the one day in church, when he told us about a son and mother who always got along and always said "i love you" to each other before school every day? well. remeber how the son got in a train accident that day? and remeber how the son and mother got in a fight that morning, and they left without saying i love you to eachother. that's really what worries me to the highest extent, i'm always afraid of that happening to us. we fight all the time & it cannot be healthy for us. but, i'm always afraid that one of us is going to die and our last words to eachother are gonna be awful words that we will someday regret. mom, if i died tonight? would you miss me? would you regret everything? you have no idea how much i love you! seriously. you're my mom. you're my one and only mom, i'll never ever ever have another mom. & i wish i could say loud and proud that me and my mom are best friends. but i can't. i hate talking about it. & at this exact moment i'm pouring my feelings out to a computer screen & i'm crying all over my homework. i always sit around and think what it would be like to have a better relationship with you? hmm. but, aparently everything happens for a reason; and i kinda wish i knew what the reason for this is. god obviously has something in store. all i can really do is cry every now and then to let the pain out, fake a smile and keep on going. i'm not giving up. i'm gonna try each and every day to make it better, though i probably will not succeed, afterall, it takes two to make a relationship work, so mom, please try with me.): i love you <3
jamiex3x3