Fading.From.Reality*
·
1 decade ago
I like it because you make me beautiful either way :P reply
insywincyspider
·
1 decade ago
Lol well there was this one woman who got married to a cardboard cutout of Robert pattinson I really do wonder how the honeymoon was :/ reply
dragonfly26
·
1 decade ago
I like both, but I like Adele more :D reply
the_converse_queen
·
1 decade ago
*GASP* you live in the q102 area. :o reply
willyoubemyleprechaun
·
1 decade ago
Talk to me gorgeous. Don't do this to yourself. I'm here. reply
gmarie
·
1 decade ago
F is for friends who do stuff together U is for you and meeeeeeee N is for anywhere anytime at all, here in the deep blue seaaaaaaaa! (You need to sing this in a high screechy voice when you read it so you get the full effect of me singing in my normal voice right now) reply
ShesFullOfHope
·
1 decade ago
ik pinterest has good workout ideas.
my friend that's trying to lose weight goes running every tuesday and thursday evening, about 2 miles. you can definitely start at a lower amount.
Good luck. ♥ reply
IzzyWizzy1998
·
1 decade ago
When you exercise you can't lose weight in a particular area.. But if you do squats, sit up and push ups should help tone :)
but make sure you keep your back strong by exercising that too other wise you will get serious back problems, i hope i helped x reply
Kitkat98
·
1 decade ago
It's not stalking, it's researching. ;) reply
PROJECTJames
·
1 decade ago
Alright, here goes.
The first thing that jumps out at me is your use of paragraphs. The lack of them to be more exact. Now while you may say that because it's the same speaker you don't need to go to a new line you forget that you also go to a new paragraph when the subject changes slightly.
Your construction of sentences is a little off too. Instead of [The people in the audience had jaws dropped, so I looked away. Hiding my tears.] you could put [The people in the audience had their jaws dropped so I looked away to hide my tears.] The 'Hiding my tears sentence', yeah, that's not a sentence to be left on it's own.
My main note, keep an eye on your tenses. You've gone to [I looked away] to [I know what they'll ask] I'll make my corrections in past tense because that seems to make the story flow.
The first passage of speech you've used here is rather confusing. Who's speaking? Is it the main character? How are they saying it? What are they speaking about? I'd suggest putting something like 'I concluded' or something at the end so it flows better.
There are a couple of spelling errors like [knw] which should be [know]. Also, no one says '&' they say and. Make sure you remember that. It's like when someone says a number, it's not ["8!" she called.] it's ["Eight!" she called.]
One sentence which sounds a little confusing is this one. [But I know what they would ask, their thoughts scattered through their mind like a messy drawer.] Maybe you meant to use a semi-colon here or something. [But I knew what they would ask; their questions and thoughts scattered through their mind like a messy drawer] would make a tad more sense. But still, it's something you may want to revise on.
["WHO?" My mind wandered everywhere, deciding who to call on. So I called on him, and he spoke calmy, "who?" I questioned whether to respond for a moment, but I did. I spoke into the microphone, "my dad..." Hands went down and tears began to stream. NO more hiding the past & the truth...] This bit confused me the most. Maybe instead of [So I called on him] you make a more accurate description of the person. Who is he?
All in all, I can see what you're trying to do here and I understand the amount of effort you're putting in but do try to make it so anyone could understand it. It's a good story, it really is, but it's ever so confusing. And you really do have potential to get better at writing.
I had a go at correcting some of the mistakes on this Google document so if you'd like to have a look at what I'm going to be pushing for you to get at then please take a look.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/19yswxo6JcYJoT2KJQGomcbzPYdH5knscFOH85SrhX5M/edit?pli=1 reply
ThatOneGIrlYouNeverForget · 1 decade ago
Are you beautiful? No.... Are you lying? Yes......
reply
Kaleidoscope Eyed* · 1 decade ago
damn I said no to the first and yes to the last crap
reply
twinkle_star1 · 1 decade ago
ahhhhw
reply
Fading.From.Reality* · 1 decade ago
I like it because you make me beautiful either way :P
reply
insywincyspider · 1 decade ago
Lol well there was this one woman who got married to a cardboard cutout of Robert pattinson I really do wonder how the honeymoon was :/
reply
Muezza · 1 decade ago
Meanie... (:
reply
dragonfly26 · 1 decade ago
I like both, but I like Adele more :D
reply
the_converse_queen · 1 decade ago
*GASP* you live in the q102 area. :o
reply
willyoubemyleprechaun
·
1 decade ago
Talk to me gorgeous. Don't do this to yourself. I'm here.
reply
gmarie · 1 decade ago
F is for friends who do stuff together U is for you and meeeeeeee N is for anywhere anytime at all, here in the deep blue seaaaaaaaa! (You need to sing this in a high screechy voice when you read it so you get the full effect of me singing in my normal voice right now)
reply
Bae* · 1 decade ago
yes, I LOVE THAT.
reply
n_kitty · 1 decade ago
so true, xP♥
reply
puppiesandkitties · 1 decade ago
lol
reply
ghost town girl* · 1 decade ago
The said it was going to rain today. Instead we got clear skies and it was very hot. -_-
reply
_roxy1760_ · 1 decade ago
emmmmm sit ups
reply
ShesFullOfHope · 1 decade ago
ik pinterest has good workout ideas.
my friend that's trying to lose weight goes running every tuesday and thursday evening, about 2 miles. you can definitely start at a lower amount.
Good luck. ♥
reply
IzzyWizzy1998 · 1 decade ago
When you exercise you can't lose weight in a particular area.. But if you do squats, sit up and push ups should help tone :)
but make sure you keep your back strong by exercising that too other wise you will get serious back problems, i hope i helped x
reply
Kitkat98 · 1 decade ago
It's not stalking, it's researching. ;)
reply
PROJECTJames · 1 decade ago
Alright, here goes.
The first thing that jumps out at me is your use of paragraphs. The lack of them to be more exact. Now while you may say that because it's the same speaker you don't need to go to a new line you forget that you also go to a new paragraph when the subject changes slightly.
Your construction of sentences is a little off too. Instead of [The people in the audience had jaws dropped, so I looked away. Hiding my tears.] you could put [The people in the audience had their jaws dropped so I looked away to hide my tears.] The 'Hiding my tears sentence', yeah, that's not a sentence to be left on it's own.
My main note, keep an eye on your tenses. You've gone to [I looked away] to [I know what they'll ask] I'll make my corrections in past tense because that seems to make the story flow.
The first passage of speech you've used here is rather confusing. Who's speaking? Is it the main character? How are they saying it? What are they speaking about? I'd suggest putting something like 'I concluded' or something at the end so it flows better.
There are a couple of spelling errors like [knw] which should be [know]. Also, no one says '&' they say and. Make sure you remember that. It's like when someone says a number, it's not ["8!" she called.] it's ["Eight!" she called.]
One sentence which sounds a little confusing is this one. [But I know what they would ask, their thoughts scattered through their mind like a messy drawer.] Maybe you meant to use a semi-colon here or something. [But I knew what they would ask; their questions and thoughts scattered through their mind like a messy drawer] would make a tad more sense. But still, it's something you may want to revise on.
["WHO?" My mind wandered everywhere, deciding who to call on. So I called on him, and he spoke calmy, "who?" I questioned whether to respond for a moment, but I did. I spoke into the microphone, "my dad..." Hands went down and tears began to stream. NO more hiding the past & the truth...] This bit confused me the most. Maybe instead of [So I called on him] you make a more accurate description of the person. Who is he?
All in all, I can see what you're trying to do here and I understand the amount of effort you're putting in but do try to make it so anyone could understand it. It's a good story, it really is, but it's ever so confusing. And you really do have potential to get better at writing.
I had a go at correcting some of the mistakes on this Google document so if you'd like to have a look at what I'm going to be pushing for you to get at then please take a look.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/19yswxo6JcYJoT2KJQGomcbzPYdH5knscFOH85SrhX5M/edit?pli=1
reply
luciamalik28 · 1 decade ago
:D
reply