If you wanna know here it goes gonna tell you this,
The part of me that'll show if you're close,
Gonna let you see everything, but remember that you asked for it.
I'll try to do my best to impress,
But it's easier to let you take a guess at the rest.
But you wanna hear what lives in my brain,
my heart, will you ask for it, for your persuing,
At times confusing, slightly amusing, Introducing Me<3
It's called love;)119 Junior Year Sarah: NATTTTTTTTTT JAYYYYYYY WAKE UP!!!!! ITS THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOOL! WAKE UP WAKEUP WAKE UPPPPPP!!!!!!! Me: I'm up Sarahh! Justin: k Sarebear. In our house, Justin's room is at the end of the hall. Walking out of Justin's room, first door on the left is my room and then down the hall across the catwalk at the top of our stairs and on the right is Sarah's room. So yeah our house is quite big, but sometime's my Mom and Jeff are asking for me and Justin to hook up! Like really they leave us home alone whenever they want us too! They let us leave when we want to, after all we have our own cars but we basically share one we are always together! I walk into Justin's room and sit on the edge of his bed.. Me: Good Morning.. Justin *smiling*: good morning! Me: you going to get up and get ready? Justin: not until you give me a good morning kiss! Me: Is that all you want? okayy! Justin: like we have time to do more! Me: we always do, I told you when I'm ready I'm sorry, just a little longer baby. Justin: no pressure, I can wait forever.. Me: we really need to talk about what we're going to do though.. Justin: about? Me: If we're going to stay together after graduation, how do we tell my mom and Jeff? Justin*kissing my head*: don't worry, we have plenty of time to talk about it, I promise. Me: alright, get up! You have to look good today it's picture day! Take a shower and I'll make you breakfast. Justin: Let's go somewhere special this weekend, just you and me.. Me: like they'll allow us.. Justin: Already did, were good. Me: where will we be going? Justin: you'll see, now get in the kitchen!(; Me: keep it up like that and you'll be going alone this weekend! Justin: or will I? just kidding alright one kiss and I'm in the shower! I kissed him, a nice, slow, pleasurable kiss. And then he was up, naked, then gone..
It's called love;)118 Junior Year Sophomore year went by slow at first and slowly got faster. The longer I went without Sam, the easier it got. Justin worked really hard and got his grades up. Everyone stopped questioning our mental stability. To the school if Jay and I were not related we would be the perfect "It" couple, but we are "related" and so we are just the cute 'siblings/ best friends' our school had seen. To our parents they had the perfect children who got along and were the best of friends. Everyone was jealous. We OWNED the school. Head cheerleader, related to the head football/basketball/baseball star. Once Sam's death faded, everyone wanted to be like us. They were all jealous of how fabulous everything was turning out for us... But to me? Things were about to change. With a lot of lovers, comes a few to many haters. Remember Jessica? She got super jealous of how popular I became said "I never gave her the attention she needs as a best friend" She spread a ton of rumors telling people of how fake I am and for awhile everyone believed her and no one would talk to me. But Justin saved me. He backed me up and everyone believed him over Jessica. I keep trying to get her back but it's no use, our friendship what was even left of it is gone. I'm waiting for the day she'll start talking about Justin and I's past relationship that she knew about.. I have a feeling that day will be coming soon. But as for now? Justin and I are still in love, yeah I know it's only been two years since Sam's death and if Sam were here I would be running straight for his arms, but Justin's all I have. The only person who stood by my side the whole time, the only one who gets me and I don't know where I'd be without him. This is where our story will continue, As we know of right now this is the happiest we have ever been, yes mourning still we have lost a great friend and romance, but it's time we move on.
It's called love;)117 Me: Justin.. could you go downstairs? Sorry I know that sounds mean..I just need time to..think. Justin: alright.. understandable.. He kissed my forehead, and walked out the door, closing it behind him. I layed there for a moment thinking. Then I got out some old letters from Sam.. Hi Babygirl, Today you stopped by to see me, just to say hi! I love you. You are so beautiful. You had no make up on, hair up in a "bun," in sweats and a sweatshirt with paint all over it, because you were painting your new room and didn't feel like getting ready because you were tired. I love you. I love the fact that you know you don't have to look sexy, to be beautiful to me. most girls think that they have to get all ready for their boyfriends, but you, you know that that's not true and or right. You know you dont have to because if I don't like you the way you are then I shouldn't like you all hot and sexy. When you go back out there don't forget this, please. Tonight we cuddled, and watched some fireworks on youtube because we aren't sure I'm going to make it to fourth of July... I will baby. I will. I love you so much. If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you, its yours. If it doesn't, it never was. I will be waiting for you, just think of me up there with the big guy sharin' some stories and laughin' and by the time you get up here our home will be built. If you, which you will, move on and you already have a new family, then by golly I will just hug you, and we will have to catch up on coffee sometime. I love you, Sam
It's called love;)117 Justin: Okay.. whatsup? Me: I want to.. Justin: you want to what? Me: Never mind.. you can go downstairs. Justin: Please just finish your sentence. Me: No never mind it doesn't matter.. Justin: Nat.. Me: Justin, I want to kiss you.. Justin: That's it? Me:yeah.. you're mad aren't you? Justin: Nat, I want to kiss you too! No, I want to more than kiss you. Me:oh.. Justin: yeah, wow.. Me: Why don't you then? Justin: I'm just as scared as you are! Me: oh.. well you shouldn't be scared! Justin: You shouldn't be scared either! Me: I don't know if you change over time.. Justin: Yeah..It gets bigger..But my feelings will never change Natalie. Me: you are dirty! Justin: shut up and kiss me already! Me: I refuse to now. Justin Leaned in and kissed me so tenderly, so passionately, so gently, it was incredible. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him down. He was lying on top of me, and we just started making out. Right now, with Justin, I feel unstoppable. I slowed down the kisses so I could say something. Me: Justin, Just-..tin.. I have a question. He stopped kissing me, grabbed my hand and rolled over to my side to face me. Randomly kissing me here and there. Justin: I love you.. Me: are you sure? Justin: I've stayed here this long haven't I? Me: yeah..
It's called love;)116 I layed down on his bed, crying, I stuffed my face into his blankets and his pillow where we once layed naked together, where he once layed and cried over me, where he took his last breath while holding my hand. I started crying a lot, and then I whispered “I forgive you Sam.” I put my head down and just let it all out. I cried and cried and cried and I couldn’t stop, but I didn’t want to. I wanted him to know that I really do love him, and I miss him so much. Sandy must have called Justin because he walked in and just comforted me. I sat up and he wiped the mascara from under my eyes, and the tears of my face. He put my hair behind my ear and then I leaned in and kissed him. He kissed me back. The kissing got harder and turned into making out. Hard, frustrated, sad, emotional, amazing make out. Then he pulled away and said “let’s go home” So I grabbed Sam’s note and followed Justin out. I walked back into Sam’s room, made his bed, blew him a kiss, whispered “I love you Sam” and turned off the light. I met Justin at the bottom of the stairs. I hugged Sandy goodbye, and we walked out to Jeff who was waiting outside in the car. I sat in the front next to Jeff and Justin was in the back. We get home and we have to go out to eat for dinner, but I told them I really didn’t feel like going, and they completely understood and told Justin to stay and keep an eye on me. They took Sarah and they will be home in a few hours. About 20 minutes after they left Justin came up and sat in my chair that’s across the room from my bed, where I was sitting. Justin: so.. Me: so..? Justin: well this was fun..I’m going to go dow- Me: stay. Please. Justin got up but when I asked him to stay, he came over to my bed and sat next to me.
It's called love;)114 To my beautiful girlfriend, I’m sorry but the last three letters will be typed. Jessica is over here typing this for me because I just can’t write anymore. Words will never be able to explain how strong you are. You are only 14 years old; you shouldn’t have had to go through this at how young you are. You are gorgeous, so this is the time where I want you to something silly. Do something; it has to have been a year by now. I don’t want to rush you if you aren’t ready but, I want you to be moved on at least a little soon. I imagine you and Justin are incredibly close now. What happened to Jess? Have you talked to her lately? I hope you have, but if you haven’t she said she will understand, and yes Nat Sam really said that, just because I’m typing it does not mean I am saying all of this, he is saying every word, even this. Now listen here Natalie, I know how much you love me, I know, but I will never be able to kiss you the way you did. Please go out tonight or have a party, do something, find a guy and just talk to him. I suppose by now if you were to like Justin stuff would have happened, so if you don’t like Justin do what I said. But if you like Justin again, I have something totally different. Just do whatever you want with him. He’s silly and you know him as well as I do. Natalie, take your time on fully moving on but soon the notes will stop coming, I need you to be okay with not being able to talk to me anymore. I need you to make me feel like you are okay with moving on. I’m watching you and if I see that you aren’t ready by the last note it’s going to hurt me a lot. Especially because I would be the reason that you are hurt.
It's called love;)113 I watched Sandy walk back down the stairs, and then I put my hand on the door, and a tear already fell down my face. I took my hand off the door and sat down for a minute. I got back up, and stood there staring at the door, when my hand was pushed a little. I thought maybe Sandy came back, but I look and nothing was there. Me*whisper*: Sam? Sam’s door shook a little like someone was locked inside trying to get out. Me*whisper*: Sam, if that’s you please stop you’re scaring me. I felt something touch my arm, and it sent chills down my whole body. Sam is here, I don’t know how but I know that he’s here. It felt like I was holding hand, but nothing was there. Then I just wanted to go in there and get it over with. I opened the door, and the smell of Sam leaked out, his cologne, the smell of his clothes, every smell that reminded me of him hit me like a wall when I opened the door. I walked in slowly and closed the door once I was finally in there. The room was cold, freezing cold. I took a good look around looking for memories sake, I remember just sitting up here all day laughing with him, and talking. I remember when we did it up here. I remember just looking into his beautiful eyes for the last time. Everything just came back to me, and I started to cry just looking around, as sad as I was I was also so at peace in here, like I knew he was here with me and it kept me so calm. The letter was under the bed. I grabbed it and sat down. I looked around for a little just holding the envelope. Me: Come sit by me. Read this one with me, please.
It's called love;)112 Me: like..? Sandy: oh honey, no, that’s impossible. Me: I know but, sometimes.. Sandy: you dream he’s still here? Me: how did you..? Sandy: I have crazy dreams where I’m in this room, and he Walks in and we just talk, and he holds me and stuff, he’s Told me where things I am missing are and everything! I don’t Know how it happens but he’s helped me find a lot of things, Even little notes he wrote me.. Me: how can he do this? how can we still be talking? Sandy: I’m not sure, but I can’t tell anyone because if I do They will think I’m crazy! Me: yeah, I know how you feel, but now you have someone To talk to about it. Sandy: same for you, now take your time, do you want me to Come in with you? Me: no, I think I can do it. But thank you Sandy Sandy: anytime, if you do need me I’ll just be down stairs Me: thank you Sandy!
It's called love;)111 Sandy: It’s okay honey, take your time. Me: did he tell you? Sandy: he said to check on you, that this was going To be hard for you, which I knew it was even with Out Sam telling me. It took me months before I could Walk into there again. But after awhile I started cleaning It just like I use to. You know, dusting, vacuuming, Making the bed.. Me: making the bed? Sandy: yeah, every time I go in there it is all messy like Someone layed on it. Not slept in it, just layed on top Of the covers for awhile.
It's called love;)110 Weeks passed, and eventually people stopped treating me like a mental patient, and stopped feeling sorry for Justin. Before we knew it, a whole year passed since we lost Sam. And I only had 3 more letters to find. I guess you could be mad that I skipped through so much time, but really nothing happened. I’m about to be a sophomore and high school, summer’s right around the corner and I guess it’s safe to say my ex boyfriend died. Justin and I are so unbelievably close now it’s ridiculous. I’m on my way over to Sam’s house to get my 67th letter from Sam. Sam told his mom that I’d be over one day looking for something and so when I came over she wasn’t very surprised. She let me in and told me to head upstairs to his room. I ran up the stairs, I remember the last few times I ran up these stairs.. With Sam, to well you know what. For Sam, on his last day. When I got to his room I kinda hesitated to open the door. I’ve dreamt I was talking to Sam every night since then, I’ve never felt like I really lost him, like he was always kinda in his room and just never came out except in my dreams to see me. To talk to me from heaven, and that is what kept me okay, it kept me alright, even if it meant I was insane I felt happy for once even without him. He was still showing up and telling me everything was okay, and we would talk like we use to and he would just randomly tell me things I never knew, or where the next letter I couldn’t find was I honestly feel like I’m talking to Sam in my dreams, like its really him. Then when I wake up my bed smells like him, like he was laying with me all night. If I open this door, it might change everything. What if he stops coming to see me? What if my brain finally says that Sam laying with me every night and holding me, and talking to me, everything is so very illogical it doesn’t make sense. I know it doesn’t make sense but I believe he’s really with me at night. I can almost hear him from last night, telling me not to be afraid to just go in and sit on the bed and read the letter. To feel him put his hand on my shoulder, he said he will never leave me when I need him, and if one day he doesn’t show up its because I no longer need him..What if this is his test? To see if I can go into that room and do what he wants and I don’t see him tonight? All this stress must mean I’m not ready to live without him still maybe he knows that, maybe all this freaking out is because he knows I’m still not ready to lose him. Then out of nowhere I felt a hand on my back, I turn around to see Sam’s mom. Sandy: It’s okay honey, take your time.
It's called love;)108 To my beautiful girl Natalie, Hi baby, I’m so glad you looked here. This is the first of quite a few notes. I know how much you love P.S. I Love You and I just couldn’t leave you by yourself so I decided to write you little love notes and inspirational notes to keep you going. Please don’t go find them all in one day. They might take some time to find but some are quite obvious but I had to hide them to where no one could find them. Some are very spread out, some are very close. I love you so much baby. I hope you are doing okay. Now listen if you already read the letter I gave you for after the funeral, then I know you know everything, if you didn’t then it’s okay baby just take your time. It’s going to be okay, you will be okay. I will always be here for you, no matter what, I love you so very much! I am going to start you off easy and as we closer to the end they get harder to find. Try to find this one in a couple days. By couple I mean two or more days, not one. We need to space these out. I love you so very much. Remember how beautiful you are, please don’t ever forget it. Don’t stop being you, remember how much I love your laugh? I wanna keep hearing it. Eat alottt of ice cream, take some time off from school and slow down a little, don’t rush this. Use this time to cry, because if you don’t cry you will change how amazing you are. Now remember when we first came home after this summer? Where did we go? What did we sway back and forth on? Ahhh it’s already 2:30?! You’ll be here in 5 minutes or less! I gotta go, but Natalie Rae, you can get through this. <3 Sam As much as I wanted to, I can’t read that letter he wrote me. Not yet. I can’t go on a high speed search for all of these letters he wrote me. I put the letter in a box that I have put all of Sam’s stuff in, then I went to go get ready. I brushed my teeth, took a shower, put my hair in a ponytail and went to make Justin’s favorite breakfast, chocolate chip pancakes, bacon, with one dippy egg and toast. I got it all ready, and made it look pretty then I poured a glass of orange juice and carried it up to him. I walked in, put the food and juice on the nightstand, and closed the door. I hopped into bed to cuddle with him. He didn’t wake up when I hopped in so I gently tickled his nose with my index finger. He slowly opened his eyes to peek. Then he smiled and rolled over to stretch. Justin: well good morning again! Me: I made you some breakfast! Justin: no way! Me: your favorite! Justin: will you share it with me? Me: I am not hungry..sorry Justin: well too bad you’re eating some of this! Me: so we both can have food poisoning?! I think not! Justin: come on just a little please. Me: alright alright fineee!
It's called love;)107 Justin: good morning. Me: good morning. How long have you been up? Justin: awhile.. Me: you should get some sleep. Justin: alright.. Me: want me to give you your bed back? So you can sleep? Justin: do I want you to? No. but I think I Might sleep better if I wasn’t sleepin on my Side the whole night. Me: alright, ill go eat and shower and stuff. Justin: alrighty Me: sleep well. Justin*whisper*: I love you. Me*normal voice*: I love you too. I got up and closed the door behind me. I sprinted as light as I could to my room I opened and closed my door behind me. I jumped on my bed and stared at the P.S. I Love You, right where dream Sam said it would be… I think I stared at it for at least 45 minutes and then my right arm just extended itself from my body, lifted up the movie box, and that’s when I saw the envelope with the number 1 on it. I honestly think I almost threw up instantly. I grabbed it and my legs gave out, I fell to my bed. I tore open the envelope.
It's called love;)106 Sam: I’ll be back, anytime you call I will be here, I will be there, I promise. Me: I love you Sam. Sam: I love you too. You looked beautiful yesterday, thank you for being there for Them. They really needed you. Me: I know. Sam: I miss you. Me: I miss you more than anything, Sam: I know, but get some sleep baby, we can talk again Soon. Me: no, no we can’t Sam you are dead. Sam: You are right, I am dead, but I told you I would NEVER leave you, And now I am here. Me: Sam, what if you don’t come back the next time I fall asleep needing You..? Sam: then I will throw a pillow across the room to show you I am here. Me: alright.. Sam I hope you know I love you. Sam: I know baby, now get some sleep please. I love you beautiful. Sam kissed my forehead and then I was lifted out of that room, and my dream was changed to me laying in a field of flowers. I woke up the next morning with Justin, staring at me.
It's called love;)105 Me: Sam what is this? Sam: You told me to talk to you. Here I am baby, I am always here for you. Now tell me why you called Me here. Me: I don’t know what to do.. Sam: you haven’t read the letter yet. Me: no, I don’t want to let you go, if I read it..That’s it. That’s the last thing you’ve said to me. Sam: I couldn’t say goodbye to you like that, I left you Messages don’t you worry baby girl, remember how we Watched p.s. I love you? Me: yeah? Sam: I left you little message like that, but not as awesome as Gerard Butler got to. Me: Sam this is a dream, this isn’t real, and you didn’t Really leave me any notes. Sam: I know baby but I talked to the big guy, I am here right now. Look under P.S. I Love You, its on the top shelf next to the teddy I got you, you were looking for it a few months ago, I hid it. The note is Under it.. I left them in order with little hints where they are. But you Have to think. Im the only one in on this so don’t be asking people Because I didn’t give them to them. Me: whats going happen if there isn’t anything there? Sam: you will cry, you will be disappointed, you will break down. Me: is that what you want? Sam: why don’t you go look right now..and tell me what happened Me: I don’t want to leave you..
It's called love;)103 I’ll be here sitting by you when you cry, I’ll be there when you’re happy, I’ll be at your first college football or basketball game which ever you choose, and most importantly I will be there standing next to you at your wedding. Even if you marry Natalie ( I have a good feeling about that but if you are read this to her leave some parts about her especially this part out). Don’t be scared to cry if you remember some memories, it’s good to let it out here and there. Don’t forget to talk to me. I’ll always be here Justin, don’t make me have to do some paranormal crap to remind you I am here. I want you to tell me stuff! But only when you’re alone, because we can’t have people think you are crazy. I’ll be there, I’ll show you in the littlest ways, even if it’s just a little feeling you have that I’m there, I am. I’ll bring some smells to remind you I am here, I don’t know I’m not dead yet, I don’t know what I can do, but I am sure I can randomly spark a memory in your head and that’ll be me. I will try to help you out in some games, but like I said I’m not sure all I can do. Right now I feel at ease, knowing you two are going to be okay. Don’t worry if you forget some stuff, you’re going to get old, you will forget some inside jokes and you will forget some memories, but don’t be stressed out, they will come back to you sometime. Also don’t forget to live. LIVE YOUR LIFE! You are going to get through this. I love you man. --your Sammie boy (; p.s. don’t forget to remember me.