half the time i sit here and wonder why im even here. i sit and think for hours about what my purpose is here. Why am i here? Am i here to make others happy or to destory them? cause i guess i seem to do both perfect. Half the time i dont even know why im sad, to be honest i dont even know if its sadness.. it's more just empty. I get so confused about my feelings far too much. I think about stuff that i most likely shouldnt. It's been almost 17 years and i still just wonder what my purpose for living is? I no longer see the joy/excitment in living. Ive become one of those people who dont fear death.. one of those people who just isnt afraid to die, but afraid of what may happen to those i leave behind. Nearly all my life ive just wanted to disappear. I suppose sometimes i dont exactly mean this in a suicidal way , i just wish i could escape from here, disappear and never been seen by the familiar faces around here again. Go off somewhere , where no one knows my name. I just want to start out new.
I dont understand what happiness is anymore. I used to be happy, but things changed. People changed. My life changed. Things went downhill. I lost all my happiness; & im not too sure how to get it back .. im not even too sure if i ever truely will. I believe happiness just isnt the same once it's taken away .. sure, i have my times where i get happy. I smile. I laugh. I even cry from laughng too hard. All signs of happiness; most people would say. But to me; i dont believe it's real happiness. I dont feel the pure happiness that i once did. I want that back. I want that feeling of happiness to come over me again; i want to know what i feels like. I want to be truely happy; and not just have the occasional "happy" times.
I dont know. Have you ever just layed there and thought to yourself; why am i even alive? why was i even born in the first place? My birthday's just a few days away, ill be turning 17 and quite honestly i never thought id make it this far. I never thought id make it to 2013.
wow; christmas really has no joy me for anymore. just another holiday.. its just another day.. same as my birthday. i dont see the joy in my birthday, all it is .. is just another day i get close to death. just another day passing.. the only thing that changes is the fact that im one year older, they all clap after i blow out my candles not knowing i wish for death.