I am just someone who was thrown into our messed up world to struggle along and forever be alone. I dont wanna sound all depressed and everythin, because I know a lot of people have it worse than I do.
But it seems like nobody can understand what i feel, they try, and I know they try.. but it just isnt quite enough. I joined this site because soo many of the posts have to deal with what im going through. I am very self-concious. people tell me im pretty, but i just.dont.see.it. and im not trying to sound like one of those conceited people but like yeah. and the problem is. i trust people easily. i fall for fake guys all the time and just have my heart ripped out over and over. i dont understand how society has come to this. becuase when i was a little kid. i thought that being grown up, was going to be fun.
also, i am a very sensitive and self-concious person, so please do not put anything bad on my profile, i am easily hurt and will take it badly. i will also never be able to erase it, everything bad or hurtful ever said to me is stuck in my brian, and it can never be erased.
Other than that depressing crap.....
I have competed in equestrian show jumping for 6.5 years. I have three horses; Checkers, Romeo, and Charmin'. I love them to death. They were all horses my family rescued from the race track. They were all going to be put down. They are sibblings. and i love them<33
I love to sing...
I have played volleyball for 5 years...
I am one of seven kids. yes. seven.! It is soo hard because i never get any attention. i mean im not trying to sound like an attetion hog or anything but it gets really annoying.
And i want a guy to love me more than anything in the world..</3
I'M DONE. with everyone thinking that they know me or they know the kind of person I am. nobody, not even my family knows what I have gone through. I keep it all bottled up inside, but I'm going to explode. people think that they can just judge anybody for having one difference from most people. we are all human. no two people are alike. I am over the judgement. the drama. the hatred. the bullying. I am just done with the wayt that our society works. I am done with being hated for some one that I'm not, and being loved for someone that I wish I was. to be honest, I dont even know who I am. I just kind of go with it. I have lost my true self in a sea of monsters and I am just trying to find the shore. I dont understand how people could have the mind to just completeley hurt someone that they have never even met. but, I am most of all done with the fact that my life will never go back to the way that it used to be because of all of the battle scars. I know that I will never be the same. and I wish that I could say that through all of it, I am a stronger person. but really, I am now a weaker more sensitive person. and nobody cares.
im just simply done with life..... becuase life decided that it was done with me when it broke my heart, tore apart my family, chose to make my life a living hell at school, and decided that i had to be the ugliest person in the world.
this was lastnight. and i am complete. 12:00 am him: wanna sneak out me: ill get in trouble... him: ill take the blame. itll be worth it. me: okay, come get me at like 1:00am. him: okay, my friends are with me though. me: itll be fun:) 1:00 him: come outside *walks outside* *we kiss* and the fun began;)
our conversation last night. my heart is now broken. him: hey cutie<3 me: hey justin:) him: i have a lame question me: ask away. him: why do you love me? me: because you are the only guy that doesnt send me home crying everynight from all of the bullying me. and i can be my self around you. and you make me laugh. and you are always there for me. him: oh me: why do you love me.? him: thats the problem me: whats the problem.? him: i dont know why i love you, i just do. and its not cool. i shouldnt do that to you. you deserve more me: i dont care if you dont. him: but i should me: even if you dont.. him: it bugs me that i dont know why. me: but i dont care him: i love you me: i love you too<3 him: if you love something set it free. me: justin, dont do this. him: bye. i love you. AND HE HASNT TALKED TO ME SINCE. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND I LOST MY BESTFRIEND.</3
im tired of this. im tired of bullies. im tired of not being able to find a decent guy. im tired of not having self-confidence. im tired of being tired. and im especially tired of people telling me that they know how i feel. becuase until you have physically walked in my shoes, you will have no idea the pain that i endure every.single.day. that is all.
i just want to find a boy that will never leave me. that will never hurt me. that will call me beautiful. that will let me wear one of his hoodies to bed. that will stay up all night on the phone with me. that will hold my hand in front of his friends. that will actually care when i cry or when im upset. that will remember my birthday. that wont give up just becuase of one tiny imperfection. that will actually want to be with me. that will call me when he says that he will. that will look beyond my imperfections. and that will love me no matter what is going on in the chaotic world that we are living in. is that really too much to ask...?
when i look into your eyes. its like watching the night sky. or a beautiful sunride. theres so much they hold. and just like them old stars. i see that you've come so far. to be right where you are. how old is your soul. i wont give up on us. even if the skies get rough. im giving you all my love. im still looking up. and when you are needing your space. to do some navigating. ill be here patiently waiting. to see what you find. cause even the stars they burn some even fall to the earth. weve got a lot to learn. god knows were worth it. no. i wont give up. i dont wanna be someone who walks away so easily. im here to stay. and make the difference that i can make. our differences. they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got. yeah. we got a lot at stake. and in the end. your still my friend. at least we did intend. for us to work. we didnt break. we didnt burn. we had to learn. how to bend. without the world caving in. i had to learn. what ive got. and who i am. i wont give up on us. god knows im tough enough. weve got a lot to learn. god knows were worth it. i wont give up. on us. even if the skies get rough. im giving you all my love. im still looking up.
my conversation with my favorite person in the world. him:heyy me:hi cutie him:what were blakeley and steph telling you today when they pulled you away from me? me:that we should go out. but like, we decide that, not them. him:yeah, but wait. me:wait for what darling.? him:do you like me? me:yeah him:well, i really like you. like a lot. me:well, that changes the situation. him: lil bit me:im happy now him:so are we like, going out now me:i dunno are we.? him:well. would you like to...............tie my shoe? ha me: hahahaha him:enough. would you like to go out? me:i would<33 him:(: me:i cant stop smiling him:then dont. me:i didnt plan on it. him:hey babe, i gotta go, text me(: me:okay, baii<3
look at us, we dont even talke anymore. we just hurt eachother. we cant be happy together, but we are broken people when we are apart. i want you, you want me. so. why do we do this to eachother. why cant we just be happy. becase look. we are both holding on to life by a thread, and i dont know how much longer mine will be tied on. we will never just be people to eachother. we will be the one that ruined eachother. we were so perfect, so very perfect. and now, i am just hoping that you will realize that we really can make it work. because i love you. because you love me. we know eacothers feelings. so why do we destroy them. until you can see. see what we could really turn this into. i will be here. waiting to hold you. waiting to be with you. just to know that we are together. i will wait. never leave you. never abandon you. never let you drag behind. i love you justin. i dont know why we do this.
when he is gone, it feels like i have no purpose. i love him so much. now. i dont know why i am alive. how you can hurt someone so much. i dont know. all i know is that. i still love you justin. no matter what you tell me. what you call me. how i feel about you is not going to change. i love you.
i just dont know what to do anymore. im lost without you. but when im with you. i just cant be myself. i love you so much. i cant loose you. but its too late. i all ready have. and now you are gone. away from me. just like you promised would never happen. im not mad at you. i just want to be with you. but i know how much i was hurting you. and i know i could have been a better girlfriend. but. still. i miss you. and i dont know if you miss me. i just hope that you do. i still love you. and i am not mad. im just confused. hurt. lost in a world of depression and sadness. you were the only good thing in my life. i dont know how to face you now. i know you are out there. i just dont know where. but. where ever it is. i want to be there with you. everyone told us we were too young to be in love. and though. we never admitted it. i guess that they were right. dont worry. i know that you love me too. and im not mad. i just want to talk. i love you justin.