thinking of you
P R O L O G U E .
The worst part about the breakup was that I couldn't remember how it felt to look in Cormac's eyes . I mean, I wouldn't admit that to anyone ever. I would lie and tell people that it was magical, and riveting, and possibly hoarded itself as the best emotional breakthrough that I would ever have. Instead, I replaced whatever was there - in that place where that feeling should be - with a heavily empty sort of guilt. Looking back, I wondered if we had ever truly looked in his eyes. But I mean, I had to have done so. I could easily recall the color blue it was. Not too green, not too grey, but somehow, the blue wasn't overpoweringly bright or cheesy like in the movies or the stories. They were perfect.
But the concept was so silly. I could never replace such a feeling, and I had buried it under so many other feelings, that I knew I might never feel something like that again.
Maybe I didn't want to feel it again.
I mean, because maybe if that feeling came back, I'd think of him.
And then the feeling would just be gone again, and I'd feel the hurt.
The hurt I felt that night, pressing the keys of a phone that wasn't even mine. And the send button, and the way I didn't want to click it.
And how I did click it and I clicked it so hard and so long, my finger hurt. But that immediate pain in my chest, it vanished. And that vanishing was all I needed not to call him, and to take everything back.
Because all that text had said was that everything was over. We, as a couple, Cormack and I, were over.
And it was back the next day, when I saw the back of his head in the cafeteria.
Not even the front of his head, or his eyes. I knew his eyes could hold all sorts of things but I didn't want to know them.
And now maybe I did want to know them, because I could hug him if they were sad or smile with him if he was happy.
But I didn't see. I didn't even try to see.
And now all I want is to look into his eyes again.
Cormac's eyes.
--
Should I continue into Chapter One? And oh - comment if you have a relatable story / suggestion for writing. I know it isn't fabulous, but it's a little bit like a memoir for me.
C O M P A R I S O N S A R E E A S I L Y D O N E O N C E Y O U H A V E H A D A T A S T E O F P E R F E C T I O N ""C
*ncmf
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