It’s cold outside but the house is hot, and it’s getting harder to breath. I could’ve sworn that the walls were a few inches out wards just a moment ago, and it seems now that they are creeping closer, closing in on me. Sometimes I feel claustrophobic, not because I fear small spaces, but because I am afraid of what is in them.
Everything is all blown out of proportion. The creaking of the floor boards seems louder than the clashing pots and pans, which I can hardly hear over the screaming. I’m begging them to stop. I’m begging them for silence, but my shouting is all but a whisper.
I think it’s quite funny how time works. One day turned into two, then three, and then before I knew it, it had been 9 months. 9 months in a place that always seems dark, no matter how brightly the sun shines. A place where my efforts to make peace had gone completely to waste. It’s a battle field. If i was asked to choose between this or nothing, I would have chose nothing. But I wasn’t asked.
I crack open the windows, gasping for a breath. The cold air nips at my fiery cheeks, burning through my mouth and nose into my lungs. I like this feeling, it’s called breathing. I am suffocated by my own thoughts, and I wish that I could turn them off. But there are no shooting stars in the sky tonight, trust me, I’ve looked.
Everyone wishes they could sleigh the beast, but when given the chance, how may would actually do it? I wouldn’t, I wont. Some may say im a coward, but I say im human, and we all make mistakes… I guess. There she sits, right next to me. She stares at me as I pretend I don’t see her. I look away and avoid her eyes because it hurts my heart when they meet mine. I couldn’t save her and I know that she blames me. Shes as good as dead, rotting in that miserable body of hers, and theres nothing I can do. Nothing I will do, anyway. I always try to help people and put others first, but I guess one person cant save the world.
One broken step after another, I begin to walk. I let my feet lead and my mind trail off. I don’t think im thinking, and if I am, im not doing a lot of it. I see the floor. As I look up I can see her out of the corner of my eye, and shes not looking at me anymore. I watch as my feet carry me past the television, past the couch, around the rocking chair and out the front door. No one questions me. No one cares. The frosty ramp guides my feet to the cold lawn, covered by a layer of fresh dew. The grass is lifted by my feet and sticks to the bare skin of my toes. I hear the sound of crickets and bull frogs, I like that. My grass covered, chilly feet carry me past the gardens and under the fruit trees. They are defying my mind, as it is clearly telling them to turn around. But sometimes I don’t think, I just do.
Suddenly, my feet curl in towards my knees and I kneel down. I’ve found myself at the spot where my bestfriend lays. He sleeps here waiting for me, forever. I don’t like when things leave unexpectedly, because I don’t like not being able to say goodbye. But then again, I don’t like goodbyes either. So I guess this was gods way of making things a little bit easier on me. No goodbye, no problem. Boy do I wish that were true.
Now I find myself talking. I am talking to him. I am telling him how much I love him, and need him. I am crying now. God, I hate crying. The cold air freezes my tears as they fall on his grave. I rest my head in my hands and lay my body down, right above his. I know he watches me from up above. His body’s underneath mine but he lives up there with god. He waits for me, so innocently. I cry and cry until the tears stop, my breathing slows, and I am still. Am I dead? No, but in moments like this i wish i were.
(this was a vingette i wrote for my autobiography for school. what do u think?)
e24ever