I just need to vent, I dont care if anyone reads this or not...
Six months ago a guy broke my heart, and it still hurts, but not in the way most girls would hurt after this long. I hate feeling this way. Let me explain why we broke up first. Well, he thought we were getting to serious, and I wanted to run off and get married right now. Thats not what I wanted for us, at least not at that time. Well, thats what he thought I wanted and how he couldnt know after 207 days of being with someone, he could be with them forever, even though of course he had promised me forever, and me being a dumby, I believed him. Well, thats why he broke up with me.
I just have this horrible feeling in my heart, and it hasnt gone away since we broke up, in fact it has gotten worse. After a month or so, he started to date this girl, and honestly, she was gorgeous and all the things Im not in many ways. Of course, me being the stupid jealous ex girlfriend, I put myself in the middle of it, but pretending that I was happy for him, but I knew deep down I wasnt, and I think he knew I wasnt really happy for him either. Well, after a while they broke up because she couldnt handle the bagage of a jealous ex girlfriend. My ex and I felt like it was all my fault, I felt horrible. He stopped talking to me completely, I felt more lost then ever without him. The thing is, we have known eachother since second grade, we havent always been best friends, but we have always been there for eachother, but he cut me out completely. He ignored me in the hallways, he wouldnt even look at me, then I found out he had been saying horrible things behind my back. By this time, I was seriously thinking about suicide. I hated myself, I felt unloved and unwanted. I couldnt believe this was happening to me, I had so many people tell me to be careful and guard my heart, but I choose not to listen and I gave almost everything to a boy who crushed me after 6 months of dating. I couldnt understand why he did this to me. I never really did understand or find out why he hurt me as bad as he did after the break up.
Now, I must admit I have healed some over the last few months, Im not gunna lie, it has been the worse 6 months of my life, but I got through it. I just cant help but feel like me and him have some unfinished business, like there is more to be told in our story, but for the life of me I cant figure it out. So, I thought, maybe I should just let him come to me if he needed anything. But is it wrong for me to still wish he would see my facebook statuses and feel bad or sad? Is it bad for me to post on so many peoples walls when he is online, JUST so he sees my name all over the place? I dont know what to do anymore....Im stuck on this guy and I cant let go, I dont wanna hurt anymore....
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