My name is Maria. I'm 21 & I live in Switzerland. I used to be an exchange Student in Kansas. It was the best year of my life! That year helped me to figure some things out & it also helped me to see who my true friends are & who are just fake. Life's too short to have fake friends or to worry about people who don't worry about you. So I had to learn to stop caring as much & just don't give a f*ck. Otherwise you'll just be miserable.
There's this guy at work that I have known for almost 3 years now. I always thought he was cute, but then I started seeing someone (also from work).Then after the company's Christmas dinner this guy came up to me & grabbed my hand. I told him to get his friend some water as he had just thrown up. (They were all drunk and I was the DD) I didn't really think much of him trying to hold my hand, despite me being in a relationship with someone else. After a few months my SO and I went to an OpenAir concert where this guy from work was with his friends. At first I didn't even realize what was happening around me as I was pretty drunk myself. But then at some point I realized that he was holding my hand again. I tried holding it up to check if maybe he would let go as I was not "holding it back". Didn't work. & didn't really care at that point. A few months back we were at a festival where we ran into him as well, but nothing happened there. Except for the part that I realized that I might to start crushing on him.Another few months go by and the next christmas dinner was happening. I was no longer in a relationship, but we remained friends. At this point we hadn't really told anyone yet about the break up. So we sat at the table with this guy and we told him. & I also told him that no one would get mad anymore, if he should try to hold hands again. He had his thinking look on his face & after a moment he said: "I can't promise anything."So after the dinner we all decided to go to the bar. By now everyone was pretty drunk. I started to cling onto him & since he didn't seem to mind I continued doing so. I hooked my arm with his, gave him random hugs and by the end of the night he even hopped on my back. This was the point where I started crushing on him hard.I started to ask him to have a drink, to hang out, to go drive around, to the movies, etc. pretty much any idea I could come up with to spend time with him. To my surprise he almost always said yes, if he said no it was because he already had other plans, but always "made it up" to me by setting up another time.During this time he spend a few weeks abroad for work. On the second business trip he added 2 weeks of vacation. Before he'd left for the second trip we talked about his vacation and he was telling my about him going to NYC for a few days. Turned out that he was going alone, so I saw my chance and jokingly said I could join him as I had already put in my vacation days.So a few weeks later I met him in NYC. We had a few amazing days together, but on the "love-side" nothing really happened. Although, he was always really caring about me.
Today we had another argument. He thinks I'm just jealous because of his friend/girlfriend or whatever. But I'm just scared he'll do the same thing my "best friend" did, as soon as he had a girlfriend he just stopped talking to me. I'm so scared to lose him. At the same time I'm mad at myself for letting him in in the first place. I really need to stop letting people in. After the argument I cried for an hour. & then he called me as if it was nothing venting about his problem. If he doesn't want to be with me, why would he always come venting to me? Why would he say that he'd do anything for me? Why would he give me a car? Why would he call me back instantly, when I hung up on him? I just couldn't bear to lose him. I need him in my life. But I need to stop driving him away with my insecurities. :/
I met him about two years ago. At first I never would've imagined that we'd ever get this close as we are now because he is so much older than me (it's all legal. I'm 21:P) It took a while until I was even able to have a conversation with him because I was too shy and too scared of his reaction. But once I got over this we started to spend a lot of time together getting closer and closer with each time of seeing on another. On my breaks I would always go with him and help him with his paperwork, he also paid me for working for him. After my internship I went to the US for two months. I didn't expect us to even keep in touch or anything. But when the time came for me to leave we said goodbye to each other and he told me to message him from time to time. The first few days I was gone he called me everyday and after that we talked at least two times a week. When the time got closer to going home I was telling him that I still need to tell my parents to come pick me up at the airport. He then offered to come pick me up, which he did. This was two months ago. Ever since then we spent almost every day together. He got his license suspended for a month and he asked me if I could drive him around for the next four weeks. I said yes because he had already done so much for me. He was always there for me no matter what, so I thought that was the least I could do for him. And since I was/am still looking for a job it wasn't as if had anything else to do anyway. But these past week things have changed. He's been really moody and I feel as if no matter what I do or say it is wrong. It is okay for him to tell me anything he wants, but when I say something about him he gets mad. I always thought that maybe he has feelings for me too, but lately I'm not so sure about that anymore. The other day he told me that things weren't as they used to be between us. This sounded almost as if we were dating and as if he was "threatening" me that we'll stop spending so much time together.
Let me guess... I'm not pretty enough... I'm not as skinny as the other girls... I'm not the kind of girl you'd date... I'm not good enough for you... I'm not the kind of girl you'd even like... & even if you'd like me... you'd never admit it...
I trust him more than I trust anybody else right now. I'm able to talk to him about anything, even though I haven't known him for long. With him I just feel safe and whenever he's with me I don't give a f*** about anyone else. Isn't that what love is really about??
When I came back from America, I made the intention that I won't fall for any guy for at least until I finsh school. But then you came along. I tried really hard not to fall for you. Before Christmas break, when you hugged me goodbye you said to me: "I'm going to miss you!" At that point my heart was like: "Screw that intention!" Ever since then I wonder how you feel..
Oh okay, you don't like the fact that I like your best friend. That's fine. But remember I was the one who brought you together with your Girlfriend. Thanks to me your the happiest guy on earth. But you can't grant it to me. That makes sense. -.-