Dear Belle,
I guess it really is time for some explanations. I've put it off long enough. On December 5th I was at art club, and Sarah puts the song paradise on. The next day I had my hospital appointment. All day I had the song stuck in my head. Recently it had all been fading away from me like a dream, although I knew it was more than a dream, it was a huge part of my life and it made me cope with pain. It made me who I am. And I felt scared of losing that huge part of my life. I'm so scared of losing my childhood, and HSP was such a huge part of that, I didn't want to forget it. When I was there the doctor told me I didn't have to come anymore if I didn't want to. I said I did want to, I was so scared of losing the last real connection to what feels like a long lost dream. All this time paradise was playing in my head. I suddenly felt so overwhelmed. It felt like I wanted to go through it again so I wouldn't lose it, I felt so lost and alone, I remembered the pain. It hurt too munch to even think about the pain. But for some strange reason I wanted to go through it again so I wouldn't lose the memories. But then I remembered the pain and I got so scared. What if I had to go through it again? I wouldn't be able to cope. On the way back everything came crashing down in my mind. The words of the song "When she was just a girl she expected the world but it flew away from her reach so she ran away in her sleep" and I just felt like I was tghat girl and it had all just flown away from me. Everything I knew had gone. And even though I was on a crowded train I felt lonely like I had never felt before. I was so scared. And I know I promised I wouldn't tell, but one of our friends cuts please swear you won't breathe a word. I just felt thatI was trying to support her, that I had to. Btu at the same time I couldn't and can't understand why she would want the pain because I never want pain like I felt in hospital ever again. And I got worried and freaked and thought if I had to go through it again would I cut? and that ffreaked me more than anything. Even the thought of a needle has tears in my eyes as I grasp my shoulder to protect it. All the time paradise was playing and I was so scared but I couldn't let it out, I was with my parents. so I ahd to wait untill I got home. I ran to my room and burst out crying. I have crfied my slef to sleep many times since. And I am so scared. That song makes me think of pain. Of suffering. Of loneliinewesxz. I'm so scared, of myslef of the future of the past for my friends. I don't know what to do. I knlow this probably sounds ridiculous to start cerying everytime I think of the song or those thoughts. But I do and thats why I have to "go to the toilet" in lessons when the song comes on. I hate Miss. Wearne for playing it in art. Even writing this I can't breathe becauseeer I'm crying so much and Icassn barely see nolw so I don't know hoow thewse words are cominggg out so I thinkk II should stiop writnting now. When I said no=one can help me I meant it. But I'm just so scared.