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airJordansz

  1. BlackButterflies BlackButterflies
    posted a quote
    July 15, 2012 10:18pm UTC
    A faithful husband was drunk at a party; he didn’t know what was happening around him. When he arrived home, he went straight to bed and slept. When morning came, he was amazed. Everything in his room was in order, and a tablet of aspirin and a glass of water were on his bedside table with a note saying, “Good morning honey, I have to buy groceries but I'll be back for dinner. Have your breakfast! Love you!” from his wife. He wondered why his wife didn't seem to be angry at him, even though he was so drunk last night. He asked his son, “What happened last night? I got drunker than I meant to, your mom should be angry!” The son replied “When mom got home, you were still drunk and you were lying on the bed in your dirty clothes. She tried to undress you, but you said,'Stop, I'm married.’"
    I found this on tumblr, but it made me smile like an idiot (:

  2. Buki Buki
    posted a quote
    July 6, 2012 3:05pm UTC
    So I got al l dressed up, was looking alright.
    My mom asked me where I was going. My sad, sad reply. . .
    "To the bathroom, I need a new profile picture."

  3. jimmy365 jimmy365
    posted a quote
    August 21, 2012 5:29pm UTC
    shout out to pixar
    for making bloopers for animated films.

  4. briiitttttttany briiitttttttany
    posted a quote
    July 13, 2012 8:09pm UTC
    People who want long eyelashes: Girls
    People who are born with long, curly eyelashes: Boys

  5. BlackButterflies BlackButterflies
    posted a quote
    July 28, 2012 2:23am UTC
    So I saw this on YouTube on a Justin Bieber song:
    I don't usually listen to JB but this song is really good!
    JBsGurl4ever 4 hours ago
    Are you sure, JBsGurl4ever?
    JBsGurl4ever
    JBSGurl4ever.
    are you sure you don't usually listen to him?
    are you sure?

  6. str0ng str0ng
    posted a quote
    August 7, 2012 12:06pm UTC
    Dad:why are you crying?
    Girl:my boyfriend dumped me!
    Dad:(grabs shot gun) I'll be back.
    while later dad comes back,
    Girl:what the hell! why did you go kill him?
    Dad:I didn't
    Girl:where did you go?
    Dad:to get you icecream
    Girl:why the hell did you bring the shot gun?!
    Dad:so I could get it for free
    freakquotes.com

  7. mayday mayday
    posted a quote
    May 27, 2012 5:12pm UTC
    me: *stays home*
    parents: why are you so lazy? get off your butt & do something with your life
    me: *goes out*
    parents: omg you're out of control stop hanging out with those people & roaming the streets
    me: *eats*
    parents: you are ruining your body with that garbage
    me: *doesn't eat something*
    parents: we're getting really concered are you on a diet is there something you're not telling us?
    me: *exhales*
    parents: DON'T GIVE ME THAT ATTITUDE.

  8. BravoSierra BravoSierra
    posted a quote
    June 12, 2012 2:18pm UTC
    Silent classroom with 100+ students taking a test
    My stomach: I will now demonstrate the sound of a dying humpback whale.

  9. LandonIsWitty LandonIsWitty
    posted a quote
    July 23, 2012 7:34pm UTC
    Me in the shower:
    Me: *turns water on*
    Me: *grabs phone*
    Me: *sits in the bathroom on witty for 7 minutes*
    Me: *checks time*
    Me:
    Me:
    Me:
    Me: oh chiz
    Me: *gets in shower*
    Me: HOLY JEEEEZEZ OHMYGAWWWSH MY FOOT IS BURNING LIKE SHAWTY ON THE DANCE FLOOR
    Me: *jumps out and turns hot water down*
    Me: ahh, this'll be better
    Me: *steps in shower once again*
    Me: COLD COLD COLD ASDFGHJKL ITS SO COLD IS THIS FUUCKING ANTARCTICA OW OW OW OW OWWWW
    Me: *turns hot water up a teeeeeeeeeeny tiiiiiiiiiiiiny bit*
    Me: okay, this will work.
    Me: holy crap it actually worked
    Me: ahhhhhhhhhhhh
    Me: NEVERMIND I'LL FIND SOMEONE LIKE YOOOUUUUU!
    Me: ok seriously, gotta get clean
    Me:
    Me:
    Me:
    Me:
    Me: oh right, soap.
    Me: *scrubbing arms and legs*
    Me: omg wtf why am i so hairy
    Me: lol jk, i'm a dude of course i'm hairy!
    Me: *washes hair*
    Me: *washes face*
    Me: *drops shampoo*
    Me:
    Me:
    Me:
    Me: my family probably thinks i'm dead
    Me: better make sure they know I'm alive
    Me: I'M SLIM SHADY YES I'M DA REAL SHADY, ALL YOU OTHAA SOMETHIN SOMETHIN ARE JUST IMATATINN
    Me:
    Me:
    Me:
    Me:
    Me: guess i better get out now..
    Me: *turns off water and gets out*
    Me: *realizes i forgot to get a towel*
    Me:
    Me:
    Me:
    Me:
    Me: *sprints naked to the hall closet and blindly grabs nearest bath towel*
    Me:
    Me:
    Me:
    Me:
    Me: shh that never happened
    Me:
    Me:
    Me: *sits on bed in only a towel making quote about taking a shower*
    lol my quote & format! should i keep making these kinds of quotes?(:

  10. never_forget never_forget
    posted a quote
    August 2, 2012 7:39pm UTC
    **When My Name's In A Math Problem**
    Class: *Stares At Me*
    Me: That's Right B*tches. I Bought 60 Watermelons.

  11. Sunny1703 Sunny1703
    posted a quote
    July 15, 2012 3:18pm UTC
    I bet there's going to be more teenagers;
    at the premiere of Monsters Inc. 2 than little kids.

  12. BlackButterflies BlackButterflies
    posted a quote
    July 10, 2012 8:28pm UTC
    "Haha you're 14 and you've only had one boyfriend? I'm 12 and I've had 7 lol."
    "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realise this was a competition. what's the prize?...herpes?"

  13. gwenythadele gwenythadele
    posted a quote
    June 4, 2012 8:31pm UTC
    Me: *breathes*
    Mom: EXCUSE ME?
    Me: What?
    Mom: I don't like your additude.
    Me: But I--
    Mom: Don't you dare talk back to me young lady.
    Me: Okay.
    Mom: One more word out of you and I'm grounding you for a month.
    Me:
    Mom:
    Me:
    Mom:
    Me:
    Mom:
    Me: *blinks*
    Mom: That's it. Give me your phone.

  14. BravoSierra BravoSierra
    posted a quote
    July 10, 2012 2:33pm UTC
    A conversation I overheard at a barGuy 1: Hey there.
    Guy 2 Hey. What's up?Guy 1: Nothing much. I just want to say you're really cute.Guy 2: Thanks dude!Guy 1: So who are you here with?Guy 2: Oh my girlfriend just went to the bathroom.Guy 1: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were straight.Guy 2: It's cool, man.Guy 1: You don't mind me calling you cute?Guy 2: Hey, a compliment's a compliment, no matter who it comes from.

  15. andreapicii andreapicii
    posted a quote
    July 18, 2012 5:22pm UTC
    I WAS HUNGRY SO I BOUGHT SOME ANIMAL CRACKERS AT TARGET.
    Cashier guy: Ok that will be 1.39
    Me: Uh can I get a bag too please?
    Cashier guy: *Gives me a weird look but hands me a small bag*
    Me: Thank you I think people might look at me funny if they see me walking around the mall with animal crackers you know
    Cashier guy: What just be like "YEAH I LIKE ANIMAL CRACKERS AND WHAT"
    Cashier guy (As I'm leaving): DON'T LET THE HATERS BRING YOU DOWN YOU EAT THOSE ANIMAL CRACKERS GIRL!
    Tumblr

  16. hailstorm37 hailstorm37
    posted a quote
    June 6, 2012 11:10pm UTC
    Lick your lips 3 times
    blink once, and keep your eyes wide open until you fave this quote.
    I bet you will sneeze or yawn.

  17. livelaughlovee16 livelaughlovee16
    posted a quote
    June 6, 2012 6:18pm UTC
    today i was an amusmant park with my school,
    and i saw a hot guy.
    so i pulled out a sharpie,
    walked over to him,
    and said,
    "can i test my sharpie on you?"
    he shrugged so i took his arm,
    wrote my number on it, and walked away.
    i got a text a few minutes later saying,
    "i think it works."


  18. posted a quote
    January 1, 1970 12:00am UTC
    This quote does not exist.

  19. happiest* happiest*
    posted a quote
    March 19, 2013 11:55am UTC
    Wittians have 3 fathers
    1.God
    2.Biological father
    3.Steve

  20. BravoSierra BravoSierra
    posted a quote
    March 17, 2013 10:08am UTC
    BravoSierra's format
    There's something about your face,
    That makes me want to punch you

:)

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