and that’s the difference between me and you. i would lay it all on the table and give you whatever you needed even if it meant hurting myself in the process but you only cared about the bare minimum: what made you happy and what didn’t inconvenience you
It’s terrible to see yourself drown into nothingness. You are aware of what's happening but you don’t have enough power left to stop yourself. You don’t have anymore strength left to keep yourself up on your feet. And then you fall. You fall and your heart, locked inside that strong calcium cage, sinks. It sinks into that realm of nothingness. A place where you don’t feel anything. Not love, not hatred, not sorrow, not joy. Absolutely nothing. No one can protect you. No one can get you out of it. All you can do is watch yourself sinking. All you should do is watch yourself sinking, very carefully. You know why? Because nothing falls forever. Yes things do get broken in a hard fall, but once they hit the ground the only task they have left to do is either fix themselves up or build something new out of what's left. All you got to do is watch yourself till you hit the ground.
Please make up your mind. Do you want this to work or not? I’m in this for the long haul but right now with the way you’re playing with my emotions I just don’t know if you want me or if you don’t. All I’m asking is for you to figure it all out.
I want you to know that it is not always easy to love me. In fact, it’s probably never easy to love me. Not even for a second. I’m hard to love, 'cause sometimes my heart fills with so much emptiness that it’s hard to breath. And sometimes my mind wanders out to the extreme and brings back emotions I thought would be gone. My point is I’m not easy to love, and if you can’t love me when I don’t talk to you for three days because I’m just so depressed that getting out of bed is hard then you are not fit to love me. If you can’t love me when I’m warm & happy at 2 pm then you can’t love me when I’m cold & harsh at 4 am. I need a lover who knows how to love me when I’m sad because the fact is I can’t do this on my own. Even if I say I can, I know deep down I can’t. And I don’t want to do it all alone which is what I’ve been doing for the past 18 years of life I’ve had. So please, if you’re gonna love me when I’m happy and sweet and spilling I love you’s out like it’s your name then you’re gonna have to love me when I’m on my bathroom floor crying, too tired to move, scared of what I’ll do. You’re gonna have to hold me. You’re gonna have to tell me it’s gonna be okay even if you don’t think it is. You’re gonna have to tell me that even in this mist of sadness that I have you. That I’m not alone even though I feel like I am 99% of the time. So please, please, please be careful with my heart. It’s been broken so many times and sure I’ve always put it back together but my kindness is growing weaker with every I love you that is met with a “goodbye, you weren’t enough.” So all I ask is think. Please think for a good 10 minutes of this, if I’m what you want. If you can handle this. If you choose to stay I promise I’ll love you the same each day. I promise I’ll love you when you are down about life and I promise I’ll love you when you are so joyful that it hurts to smile because you’ve been doing it all day. I promise I’ll love you with everything I have which isn’t much but I hope it’s enough. I hope I’m enough. So when you figure everything out let me know. I’ll be waiting.
I need help. My mind is a mess and I feel trapped. I think of the future and I don’t want one. I don’t want a future. I don’t believe in a time after, my now is just too contorted. I feel like I am being held at gun point and instead of appeasing the psychopath, I am taunting him, edging him on, persuading him in my sarcastic, sadistic manor so he can just pull the fücking trigger already. I’ve carved my initials into that bullet and I long for the taste of lead. I am a concept, I am a part of time and the universe, but I am fairly certain that my atoms could combine into something much more useful than this hollow carcass I puppeteer through life. I just want to slash the strings and sink into nothingness. Sink into the unfathomably bottomless darkness that beckons to me in my dreams. I cannot shake the feeling that I was never suppose to exist and now it is time to go home, to cease from this world and never enter another. I was an anomaly, an out-liar, a bump in a supposedly smooth road. I should not be here. I am not a person, I am not a spirit or a soul. I am nothing. This was a mistake.
Sadness is not loud. You cannot see it in their eyes. Sadness is in the vision. Sadness is staring at the ceiling with your arms at the sides. Sadness is your inability to muster up the energy to turn off the light. Sadness is wishing your demons were real and then wishing that they’d come get you. Sadness is quiet sobs in the corner of the bathroom. Sadness is still smiling. Sadness is not in your eyes; it is in your veins, in your bones, in your goddämn blood.
When it comes to the people I care about, I can be quite the hypocrite. I’ll give you the hours during which I should be sleeping without hesitation. My eyelids saturated with fatigue, I’ll gladly watch the seconds tick away knowing that somehow this is helping you. But when it comes to me, I don’t want you to worry. You don’t need to help me climb out of the rubble I call my life. I’ll make it out somehow. Until I do, I’ll put a smile on my face for you. I’ll make sure it’s high quality, made from whatever amount of strength I could muster before stepping outside that morning. If I’m lucky, you won’t question the bags under my eyes or the way I seem to space out when my thoughts become too loud. If I’m lucky, my sadness will stay just that, mine. I know your arms are open, but sometimes I don’t want to trouble you with this body. Sometimes I just don’t want to be a burden.
I think it hurts the worst when you get your hopes up for something, get them up really high to the point where you think it actually might happen–and then it doesn’t. And you’re left sitting there, under the weight of your disappointment, with concrete in your chest and tears lining your eyes, and what do you do after that? Nothing. All you can seem to do is sit there and listen to the echoing sounds your body makes in all of its emptiness.
moonlight shines through the blinds, clashing with the darkness. this beautiful light seems almost unreal as my hand passes over the patch of it. soon it will fade away until the night clouds part for it again, and it chooses to find me stuck in the dark.