(Let me just vent for a while, okay?)
I'm not starving, I'm not struggling with suicidal thoughts, and I don't have a terminal disease. The closest thing I have to a concerning problem is my extremely low self-esteem and my distorted family.
But still, I feel that I've been having a tough life lately.
And nobody even cares.
Ever since this year begun, I've done nothing but wake up, go to school, do homework, and sleep for five hours a day feeling stressed because of school. You'd think that all that hard work would pay off, right? Well, no. Even after working hard for it, I've done badly in two events I've participated in. Even though it's not my fault, my teachers make sure I know I'm the one who sucked. Plus, all those losses have a toll in my self-esteem.
I've learned that my best friend is not a true friend. Because of what happened, not only do I feel uglier, but I feel useless and stupid. Now I wonder if my other friends are true ones, too.
I used to be doing well in my diet. I'd lost twenty-five pounds. But now, I guess due to anxiety, I've been eating like a pig. At the end of the day, I'm too mentally exhausted to even lift a foot and burn a calorie, so I guess I'll soon be putting it back on. If I haven't now. I don't even want to look at the scale.
My family is a whirl of trouble. I discovered my dad cheating on my mom. Then my dad recently died, all of my family members don't care about me, my grandma died, my other grandparents (whom I currently live with) only keep fighting, and make me feel depressed. My mother doesn't support me in anything, even though I know she has no bad intentions. She has currently become part of some crazy religion, and that's just made me feel even worse, since she wants to shove down my throat her beliefs.
My teachers are the most unsupportive. I have always been a 90+ student, but this quarter I got two 70's and 80's, even when I worked hard. My teachers seem to not see that, and only make me feel bad. They can't even explain a class well, and I feel so stupid, not understanding anything. All they can do is make sure that you are the reason you suck.
Nothing ever motivates me now. I used to love writing, but I can't anymore. I feel too exhausted to start, and I feel as if anything I start will lead to nothing.
I've been falling down the same hole from before that I thought I'd forgotten.
I've learned that hard work doesn't pay off.
I feel as if my life will lead to nowhere.
I'm so close to graduating (just a year away!), and I feel as if I'm wasting my youth... I feel as if this is the only moment I can be happy.
And I'm scared of life.
I'm scared that everything will just go from bad to worse, and that I'll never be satisfied.
And I'm sorry for being unthankful, because I know I'm blessed, and that everybody has hardships too. But I just can't suck it up like I did before this year...
There's still 1% hope that I'll be happy once again.
But I feel it'll quickly disappear.
WittyCookie145