I'm not writing this for any of you. Im writing this for me. I need to let this out. I wanted to say this to everyone i'm close to, but I couldn't, Because theres no one I can tell who won't have an opinion. Except witty. Because telling witty a secret is like telling the world, but still, no one even hears you. And thats the greatest thing of all.
I miss my mom. I miss having my mom around all the time. I hate being mad at her. I love her to death. I was mad and I was set on not seeing her at all. But now, just a week later, I just miss her. I've gone weeks without seeing her. And it didnt really bother me then. But it is now. I dont exactly know why. I get jealous. Really jealous of my step sisters realtionship with her mom. I see them talking about something privately and I automatically get jealous. I like talking to my mom. I want to talk to my mom. But her mom is not my mom. Jealousy leads to hate. And I hate the fact that I know I hate my step mom and step sister because of their relationship. That's not the only reason i hate them, it just contributes to it. I have a relationship like that with my mom, sometimes. But its a bit more complicated. I dont live with her. Thats a problem. But I cant live with her. It was too difficult. The problems that we had were not something either of us should have to deal with. And I loved living with my dad. But the little things that bugged me became huge problems. Huge problems that affect my grades in school. And not okay with that. I can't live with my dad anynmore. Its far worse than living with my mom. But I dont want to go back into that enviorment either. But I miss her. And I want to live with her. I can if I want. But I dont want. And yet I do. If I live with my mom I won't ever feel welcome in my dads house again. They all hate my mom. And when I see her and actuallly have a good time, I get a lot of nasty things said to me. I can't live with that. But part of my thinks that it would all be worth it. I need my mom around me. I need my mom, whos willing to go get me tylenol at 11 pm. My step mom wouldnt do that. She'd say just wait until morning. Go back to sleep. You'll be fine. But if her daughter asked, shed be out there getting her something. I need my mom. I need her to be there for me ike that. She's the type of person that would take me out for ice cream in the middle of the night just because we felt like it. I really need her. And I dont know what to do. I don't know where to go. Its not healthy for me to live with either of them. I just want to be in a neutral place. Where I get to decide when I see who. Because then my mom can't get mad that I'd rather spend christmas with my dad, And my dad wont have to go through my mom to figure things out. They wont have to interact with each other. they'll go to me. And everything will calm down. and there will be less fighting. And my step sister cant get mad at me for choosing my mom over her. I need that place. And I dont want to have to wait until I graduate high school to find it. I dont want another 2 1/2 years of this. I'm done. And I just want my mom back in my life.
Immortality*