CALL THE MEDICAL HOTLINE!
Hello and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline
If you are obsessive compulsive press one repeatedly
If you are co-dependent ask someone to press two for you
If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6
If you are paranoid we know what you are and what you want stay on the line and we'll trace your call
If you're delusion press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother-ship
If you're schizophrenic listen carefully and the small voice will tell you what number to press
If you are depressed it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you
If you're dyslexic press 69696969
If you have a nervous disorder please fidget with the hash key until the beep, after the beep please wait for the beep
If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later
If you have low self-esteem, hang on all our operators are too busy to talk to you