i tried to wriggle out of your grasp, but i guess somewhere inside i know
that it only gets tighter the harder i try, that these bruises never really will fade
they are red and raw and i hate them when they are here but
i miss them when they go
("but i'm good at getting girls back. you would know.")
and i know that you know scars
and fear and casts and cold hospital waiting rooms and i know that you point out your scars,
you show me how you are weak, where you are weak
and i don't think those pictures will ever leave my head.
but Tuesday night was a new kind of pain, foreign and sharp and there was something
breathtaking
about the way you chose to hurt me.
because suddenly it is black and i am falling, caving in and never running fast enough to catch up with your words and
your eyes, my god, your eyes that night, you are absolutely killing me
you are strangling everything i have left, how do you not understand, that i love you but
there is only so much i can handle
("it's different this time.")
and i am choking through my tears and it is history class where it was always too cold
but i never knew cold until i saw you; i watched your eyes darken
and your shoulders heave
and your grip tighten
and i know i have been nothing but a burden on you and i am sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
but you don't know what you do to me.
("Sara, you gotta let that go.")
YOU THINK I DON"T KNOW THAT?
you think i'm not trying, fighting, wrestling, punching holes in the memories of you that have not, will not, cannot
leave me alone?
("it's been almost two years and it's time for you to move on.")
do you think for even one moment that i am not trying?
and then, my goodness, he knows how long it has been; he feels it too, he understands
but no, you can't understand, you never could understand me, and
i have never been able to stop hating myself for that
("i couldn't live knowing that you gave up on me.")
but, i didn't.
i never did.
Stubbles98