Hey there, Beautiful! Hi! My name is Samantha but I prefer Sam. I'm 15 and my birthday is October 30th, 1996. Any twins? I live in Massachusetts. I play clarinet, guitar, flute, trumpet, and keyboard. At the moment, I dance ballet(pointe), jazz, and tap. In the past, I've done hip hop, contemporary, lyrical, and acrobatics. I've been dancing for 11 years and I can't imagine my life without it. I marching in the Blackstone-Millville Regional Marching Band. We compete in NESBA, USSBA, BOA, and MICCA. It's my 4th season and my section is my family. I play in my high school's advanced wind ensemble, which is one of the best ensembles in the state. I also preform with the Blackstone-Millville Regional Winter Guard. This past season, I was on rifle line. I loved it because I'm the only person to ever do rifle that doen't spin in outdoor. I can efforlessly do a turn-around, 1 1/2 45, and double on flag. I have 3 seasons of winter guard and those girls are also my family. I'm officially a junior! My friends mean to world to me. I love to read and write. I have over 100 books. I have an amazing boyfriend, 6/5/13. He always knows how to make me smile.
and you would never know that I worry everyday. I worry that I'm going to end up alone. I worry that my parents won't be able to pay for college. I worry I'll never learn to drive. I'm silently suffering. It's all smiles and laughs on the outside. On the inside, I examine everything said to me, what it all could me. I find every reason possible for people to dislike me. So I'm quiet. You would never know that I'm developing multiple forms of anxiety. I fear the unknown, especially people. I fear failure. I fear rejection. On the outside, my chin is up. On the inside, I'm cowering away from the light. No one can possibly understand. I can dance in from of a thousand strangers but I get nervous when I have to talk in a group of people I've known since I was 8. And you want to know why? Because I am crushed by the pressure to be perfect. They say "love is louder than the pressure to be perfect." Not really. I don't feel the love, just the pressure. I feel the need to be accepted and the fear that I won't be. If I'm not perfect, what can I even do? Nothing. People won't accept me if I'm not perfect. They judge me beccause of a few past decisions and my awkwardness. Don't say this is a judgement free place. Don't say you understand. Because it's not, you don't. I just need someone to read this and tell me it will be okay. I haven't heard that in a while. Someone sympathise with me.
. 9/11/01 I learned all of this information in math class today. 2,819 people died that day. Only 39% were identifiable, 1,102 people. Less than half. Full, the Trade Center could hold 50,000 people. My town contains about 10,000 people, just think about that. It took about 10 seconds for the top of the building to fall to the ground. It was half a mile tall. Terminal velocity is 120 miles per hour. There was 1,500,000 tons of debris. A ton is 2,000 pounds. The average car is 1.75 tons. That’s the same as 857,142 cars. Ground Zero burned for 99 days. The amount of jet fuel dumped on the towers could fill an average, round, above-ground swimming pool. To clean up all the debris, it costed around $600 million dollars. That amount of money would run my school for 30 years. People cleaned up the mess for 261 days, 24 hours a day. Over 100 people(closer to 200) jumped from floors 90 and above. Remember terminal velocity? They were falling at 120 mines per hour and it would take less than 10 seconds for them to reach the ground. NUMBERS DON'T LIE. .
Remember when Witty was place where you could speak without being judged? When people didn't egg others on to commiting suicide? When no one called themselves perfect because we knew no one was perfect? When people were accepting of others despite some flaws? When we encouraged each other? I miss that Witty.
I hate you. I hate what you've done to me. I hate that I trusted you too many time. I hate that I'll never trust anyone ever again because of you. I hate that I fell in love. I hate that you played me over and over again. I hate that stupid blonde girl. I hate your blue eyes. I hate the late night texting. I hate all the sweet words. I hate that you called me beautiful. I hate the way you won't just let it fo. I hate that neither will I. I hate that the way you made me feel. I hate that, with one single word, it all comes back. I hate that people say I can do better when I obviously can't. I hate that I passed up a nice boy for you. I hate the look your sister gives me. I hate the way you smile. I hate the way you laugh with your friends. I hate the fact that I sad here writing about this thinking of you. I hate that you never really cared about me. I hate how many times you made me cry. I hate you and what you've done to me.
I'm sitting here in tears because of the insecurities that came crashing back. I just started to get over them. I feel fat, overweight, obese. I'm 4 feet and 11 inches and I weigh 130 pounds. According to some, that's healthy. And then there are the people who think that's overweight. My dream weight would be 100 pounds. My goal is 115 pounds. I don't want to be fat anymore. I don't want t be the fat best friend, the one people overlook because my friends are so beautiful. I want to lose weight fast, but I don't want to wait and do it the healthy way. I've starved myself before, in seventh grade. I was fat. I lost so much weight by starving. People would always tell me how good I looked. I want that again.