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Dudu*

  1. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    July 28, 2018 3:12am EDT
    Throw away all your memories of me. I let go a long time ago. Throw away everything i gave you. I stopped caring a while ago anyway. I want to get rid of everything. I wanted to purposely throw it away for you to see. The pressed flower painting that you gifted me. The long necklace-like beads. They were precious to me at first. I wanted to keep them to look back at when i'm feeling nostalgic. But not even for that. Throw away everything I gave you, the poncho, the gas money. Throw it all away. I wish I didn't give you anything. If I could go back, I would throw you away too.

  2. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    July 28, 2018 3:06am EDT
    Letters to you, JH;
    Each day brings a new challenge. I passed all my exams. I did better than i expected. I'm not that dumb afterall. The happiness was shortlived I don't know what to hang around for anymore. I hate this. When i passed, i thought things would get better. When i got a job i thought things would get better. When i lost weight, i thought the same too. I guess it's all just mental. It's probably never that bad, but each day feels worse than the one before. Anyway. I'll find something new to look forward to i guess.

  3. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    July 25, 2018 10:47pm EDT
    I just want you to know what you did wrong and apologise wholeheartedly. I'll forgive you. I know i'll forgive you even if you apologise without knowing what you did wrong. But you can't just say it for show. If you don't get it, history will repeat itself. I hate it when you reach out to me. If you're not sorry then what's the point. I had a long morning that day. I was happy to see you after a long day. Why'd you have to go and make me the bad guy? Now I purposely hang back later, avoid your gaze, your questions. Why are you curious all of a sudden? I don't want to pick a fight, but everytime you ask why i'm mad, it's like you're trying it. I told you what you did wrong, you brush it off. I told you it wouldn't be the same after, so why are you doing this? I've never seen you cry this much, but i've never cared any less. I think time will fix this. I'll speak to you again soon, it won't be awkward for you anymore. But for now...for now that's a distant dystopia.

  4. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    July 25, 2018 10:33pm EDT
    Letters to you, JH;
    It seems my life is a series of me working really hard then burning myself to the ground. I'm currently in the working really hard phase. I just started up again so I don't have the luxury of slowing down, but yeah. I just know i'll flip the swich soon enough. A close friend asked me how i'd lost the weight recently. I told her what she wanted to hear. I miss you a lot, btw. The moments where i don't think about you are very rare. Especially lately. I'm not speaking to my parents. I don't mind favouritism, but theirs' is unconditional. They think she can do no wrong, while I've been asked why i'm being like this, as if I'm not the one constantly being hurt. Anyway, i miss you a lot. I'm a little mad at you, but still. I hope you're doing well.

  5. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    July 12, 2018 8:10am EDT
    tomorrow will either be one ot the best or worst days of my life, eek.

  6. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    July 9, 2018 6:09am EDT
    said i wanted to pass on, now all this pain sets in. can't stay up, can't wake up early. paralysed by it. i wanted to pass on. now i just want this pain to pass on. i'll be stronger when this pain passes on.

  7. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    July 7, 2018 8:12am EDT
    said i wanted to pass on, now all this pain sets in. can't stay up, can't wake up early. paralysed by it. i wanted to pass on. now i just want this pain to pass on. i'll be stronger when this pain passes on.

  8. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 29, 2018 6:10am EDT
    i love you, thank you for being born. you're a real comfort to me these days. all i can be is grateful and keep you in my heart. i get really protective of you, i don't want anyone to have any bad feelings towards you. i'll always be on your side. you really, seriously worked hard. i love you. i feel like we're the same person. you make me both so happy and sad. it's been hard on us here, but i'll wish for you in paradise. until then, i sincerely hope you can rip.
    i miss you so much and i can't express how much it hurts me that you were hurting for so long. i'll be strong for the both of us. i really miss you. ily. we'll meet soon enough. just rest. rest peacefully. you deserve it.

  9. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 27, 2018 7:52am EDT
    Literally just on the home stretch now. 1 more exam to go~

  10. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 23, 2018 8:03am EDT
    i'm actually just waiting till after exams so i can let myself get worse. just gotta pass this has been my mantra.

  11. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 23, 2018 8:01am EDT
    i hate that i used to think i had no emotions, just because fake things like sad films didn't make me cry i let everyone convince me that i had no feelings. obviously i knew they were existant but somewhere along the way i started telling myself "this isn't you" when i did start to feel sad or sensitive over something. and so my threshold grew a little larger each time. but it all comes out in bursts. on the bus back tears came, i didn't even know why. bottled up feelings are weird like that. i say i don't know the reason, it's becauses there's so many i can't pinpoint one. the main thing that's been getting to me lately is my closest friend's opinion on depression and suicide. we got on the topic somehow and she just brushed it off, saying "i thought it was sad at first but they should just pull through it". She's my closest friend, but she lost a lot of my respect after that. i really value respect. i can hate someone but have respect for them. She noticed i've been distant after that and i suspect that she suspects i have depression...lol. she's been checking up on me a lot and i hate it. i wish she never said any of that it makes me feel like i will never have anyone i can openly talk to about my mental health. i can't even joke about wanting to die anymore without being on her radar. ok rant over. depression isn't something i can get over. its not a trend ffs.

  12. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 23, 2018 7:44am EDT
    There was just nothing to look forward to, I couldn't think of anything worse than staying around. I'm at this point now where even if there's nothing particularly special to hang around for, I still have to wake up every morning and press on.

  13. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 23, 2018 7:43am EDT
    I'm not sure what i want from you. A friendship? but i'm not even good at that. i would take at least 3 days to reply to your texts...a week for your calls. i don't want anything more than a friendship but i can't even handle that. i don't know what i want exactly. but i don't like how you're so indifferent. I don't know if you have kind feelings towards me or if you just find me annoying. maybe you just don't mind. i made a good first impression...i think. i made you laugh at least. you approached me first the second week and i was the one who stepped away. i regret that. you were more distant after that but lately you've either been mannerful or just not present. you don't have to like me. we don't have to be friends. for whatever reason, i just don't want you to not like me.

  14. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 20, 2018 8:21pm EDT
    i'm afraid this sadness is contagious. i kept it to myself. why are you mad i kept it to myself? it's contagious. i couldn't help myself but i had to protect you.

  15. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 20, 2018 8:19pm EDT
    let's go for a walk just because. i feel like smiling just because. i want to wake up tomorrow...just because. it's not as bad anymore. i don't sigh when i breathe anymore. i eat to live now. don't have your guard up, there's no particular reason. just because. just because i've met you.

  16. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 20, 2018 8:15pm EDT
    it's strange. i thought about it. if my depression was gone what would i do? if i woke one morning and the dark veil had been lifted...how different would i be? at this point i'm certain it's ingrained in my personality. when i was younger, i just thought i wasn't as excitable as others. in my early teens i was hopeful, but didn't know what there was to look forward to. now i just take it a day at a time. the world isn't necessarily monotone. there's a hint of short lived, muted colours. flashes of highligher yellows when i'm in a weird mood. it's strange that i consider my happy moments weird. i think that's telling.

  17. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 16, 2018 7:00am EDT
    this is the hardest thing i've ever had to do. if i can overcome this i will love myself. maybe that's too much. i will at least have a newfound respect for myself. okay that's not true either. i respect myself already. hmm, i guess if i can overcome this, i will stop undermining myself a little less. if i can do this, then i may be able to do anything i set my mind to. if i can do this, then there's not much i can't do. but this is a double edged sword. if i can't do this. if i fail. i will hate myself. on a different scale. i'm afraid i'll hit a new rock bottom. i'll work hard for now. that's all i can do. in a month it will all be better or worse. but all i have is now.

  18. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 13, 2018 5:24am EDT
    you're the only thing that makes me happy. how sad is that?

  19. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    June 13, 2018 5:21am EDT
    And i get it now. when i would see nurses outside of the hospital smoking i didn't get it then. "Don't they know how bad smoking is?" They know. They just don't care. I understand now because i don't care much either. i won't smoke, but we all pick our poison. i was so naive.

  20. Dudu* Dudu*
    posted a quote
    May 30, 2018 6:43am EDT
    I'm far from perfect. I know. I think I know that best.

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