Let's just go back, back to where it all began. Let's start over, before loved ones died, before close ones cried.. Back to the time when everything was okay, back when there was always something to say. The words have been spoken, the tears have been cried, I have nothing left but just an ounce of my pride..
&Hopefully someday soon the memories will all just be a blur, Every second I spent on you, will mean no more. You had my heart, my all.. Now your nothing more than writing on the wall.. I gave you everything I had, now I just wish you would feel sad.. Just an ounce of what I have to live with everyday, then maybe this will all just go away.. You used to consume my heart, now I cant wait for us to part. No more lies, no more games, I'm taking down every memory of you thats captured in frames.
I still don't understand how putting someone else down can make someone feel better about themselves.. Your only as good as your worst mistake, and if the only way you gain confidence is by destoying someone elses, then you are the one that needs improving, not whoever you put down..
Are you okay ? No. Whats wrong ? *(well, my boyfriend dumped me over a month ago and I still feel worse than ever.. then when I finally find someone I think I can trust, and I pour my entire soul out to him, he tells me how much he cares for me and how hes always going to be there for me and how much he just wants me to be okay and how he wants to spend time with me and help through my trouble.. only to wake up one day after days of him not talking to me to see that hes now in a relationship.. Jerk didnt even have the balls to tell me to my face.. Besides all of that, I get passed along to my father for the weekend only for him to take me unwillingly to my stepmonsters friends house so they can all sit outside and get drunk (keep in mind she has 2 kids of her own at the ages of two & four) until 1am, blantly ignoring the fact that us children were tired, and we had all asked to go home.. only to be woken up the next day to be dragged out yet another place I didnt want to go, and given the job of watching HER kids while she sits on her as then taken to yet another place with not only her kids but another bratty one that likes cause trouble so all the adults can go outside and yet again party, but this time i got to stay inside and babysit... Only to come home to a mother who won't even acknowledge my existance because I broke her heart..)* Just stuff.. Well, be happy, your not suppose to be sad My days only going to get worse.
I'm not one of the prettiest girls in school, Or the skinniest.. I'm not the smartest kid in my class, or the most popular. I'm not very funny, or fun to be around. I'm not very nice, or honest. I'm not very sweet, or innocent. I'm not confident, I know my flaws. I'm not strong, I've lost hope. I'm judgemental, and a hipocrite. I pretend to feel pretty I pretend to feel smart I pretend to feel happy I pretend to feel anything... But the reality is, I don't feel anything. I feel nothing more than hurt and insecurities. I can't win, I can't forget. I've given up on this battle, I've given up on myself. I don't know what else to do, I just want it to be over. I am human, and I surrender..
I wish I could just forget you already. I wish I could just throw away every memory I have of you. I'm so over this. When will I stop huring ?? When will I be okay ?? Why do you still haunt my dreams ? Why do you still follow me everywhere I go ? No matter what I do I can't seem to get rid of you and it's ruining me.. I think to myself, maybe if I just latch on to someone new I'll forget.. But no. It's not that easy. Because somehow in someway everything and everyone reminds me of you. Why did things have to happen this way ?? I loose myself everytime I see you. I loose myself everytime I hear your name. I loose myself everytime I open my eyes. No, I don't loose myself.. Because I still haven't found myself. What's left of me is yours to keep. I'm done fighting, I surrender, you win. There isn't an ounce of my sanity left. I have no grip on reality.. I have lost sight of the world I once knew.. It has all been consumed by you.. I just wanna let go.
Hey guys, I'm finally home. ❤ Well, my vacation went pretty well.. I got a surprise the first day I left, my auntie came back from Illinois :) &I made a really amazing new friend.. Well I knew him before but we iust started talking.. and I'm so gratefull for him :) He's so nice to me, and he understands how I'm feeling (about the whole break up thing) because him and his girlfriend just had a bad break up too.. I just may be crushing a little :p He's helped me so much, he makes me feel better & he's just wonders. ❤
Hey guys, I won't be on for the next 2weeks.. Spending spring break with family at my grandmas &theres no internet.. Besides that, today was a pretty sh*tty day :/ Although I did get my cousins baby shower gift &made a welcome home sign for my aunt when she flies in.. Hopefully this goes well, wish me luck ! &So My Break From Reality Begins. ❤
Day 9 He's moving away ! :D I'll never have to see him again. It can all finally be over :) Ughh, I'm so excited.. I can finally live again. A few weeks ago I wouldn't have said this.. I would have been soo hurt.. but no. He ruined me. He gave breaking someones heart a whole new meaning. I won't say goodbye, and I won't apologize. I truly don't ever want to talk to him again. &I most definitely have not forgiven him. I won't wish him well, or share my sorrows. I don't care where he ends up. I hope I never see him again, but I hope he never forgets me. He'll probably describe me as a worthless b*tch.. but I don't care. I just hope that someday, he realizes what he did to me. It's over.
Day 8 Hey guys.. Well, uhm I'm doing a bit better.. I took a huge leap backwards though.. The other night I made a HUGELY regreted decision.. But other than that I'm okay.. I think partially because I haven't had to see him since Friday :) Hmm, hopefully things are starting to turn around.. Going to my first pro baseball game tomorrow night, the aloha festival saturday &cousins babyshower sunday.. then I'll also be staying with the grandmother &cousin's for spring break :) Favorite aunties coming to visit (shes like a 2nd mom) &the baby should be here soon :) This could be what I've needed.. a break from reality for a while. ❤ Wish me luck !