"I honestly don't know what I'd do without you."
"There's not a chance in HELL I'd ever let you go."
"I'd never do anything to lose you."
"Forever" he said.
All so he could end up saying,
"I just don't feel a spark between us anymore."
After we had spent an hour just trying to say goodbye before the weekend.
His arms wrapped around me looking deep into my eyes,
Saying how this love will never end.
Him saying,
"I love you from here, all the way around the world, and right back here.
Because you're perfect. Everything I want. The only one I can relate to.
And I'm never going to be able to let go. So I won't."
Saying,
"I can't even let you go for two days. Imagine how broken I'd be if this ended.
So let's stay like this. Just happy in our own little world."
The world where he didn't wake up in the morning and just 'not feel it anymore'.
My eyes are red from tears that keep flowing.
My head throbbing from the realization that it really has all come crashing down.
My hands aching for him to hold them telling me it's okay.
Aches can't change it though,
My hands are empty,
Until they start reaching to inflict a new pain to drown out the old one.
I swallow my words and dry out my tears,
Pulling the razor across my skin,
Watching it tear me apart.
Feeling calm.
Because better a blade tearing me to pieces,
Than the one boy I actually could say I loved.
With all my heart. Now it's gone.
While the blood streams,
I'm learning how stupid I was to be able to lose the one thing I had going well.
How it's just like mom says.
I'm not good enough.
Don't try hard enough.
Don't think about anyone but myself.
I'm a mess.
No one likes a mess.
She's right.
But I wasn't a mess before.
I was happy for once.
He made me that way.
We swore by our lives we wouldn't trade if for the world.
How could he go from being devastated when I couldn't hold his hand,
And feeling lonely when I wasn't around,
And broken when I was upset and he couldn't help.
All the way to not feeling a single thing for me?
Just saying things like,
"I want to be friends. Like before. Before this all ever happened.
We were so happy. So careless. I don't want to lose you.
The problem is I don't want to hurt you and lead you on,
If I don't feel the same as I did before."
But we still loved each other as friends..
And I can't walk into school and see the boy I love,
Smile and say "Hi",
Let him give me a hug,
And just walk away,
Okay with the fact that he'll never love me back again.
That's what's going to happen, though.
Only problem is my heart will sink into my stomach
Knowing that hug won't lead to a kiss,
Or to another "forever."
Just to a friendly conversation,
Then a tear streaming down my face as I walk away.
Walk away from the boy who was and still is my everything.
Now everything is gone.
Forever.
JcRLS