And the beautiful thing is, no one misses me. No one really wants to spend time with me. If I’m included, it’s only out of pity because I’m just that pathetic. That’s why I distance myself from everyone else. Because then at least I feel like it’s my fault when I’m inevitably left out.
Thank you, God. I can never thank you enough. <3 I think tonight I found out that You are the one thread keeping my heart from being ripped completely in two, and with that knowledge, well, I think I may be ok after all.
What do you do? Tell them the truth? Tell them you really aren't ok? Never. You paste the fake smile on your face, say, "I'm fine," and even force a laugh to hide it. To hide the things that are really going on inside. Because, no matter what, no one can ever know... I'm. dying.
J0s14h posted a quote
February 22, 2013 8:02pm UTC
Sometimes All I have to give you is words... and words can sometimes be so meaningless, so empty, so useless; It makes me feel terribly pathetic and helpless that I can give nothing else. And I wonder, how can I show you I truly care, or when will I be able to actually do something that's worthwhile that will give you what you need? How can I... when all I have to offer you in this moment is my words? But... I can promise you this: my words are never ever something I just throw around lightly. I mean everything I say from the bottom of my heart, from the depths of my soul. And maybe that's still not worth much, but I just want you to completely believe that the words I say, by God's grace, will be something you can hang onto, something you can believe in and count on, even in your very darkest hour.
Don't you just love it when you really badly need some pain killers, so you get out the Ibuprofen and search frantically for the number of pills you're supposed to take, and it isn't anywhere on the freaking bottle. ...Like, seriously, you spend all of five minutes looking at every word on the bottle over and over and it's absolutely nowhere. And you're just dying from the pain, so you dump two or three pills out and hope you don't die because of the stupidity of the company that made them... I mean, why can't they just put on a huge number that fills half of the bottle and tells you clearly, this is the maximum number of pills you can take. 2 pills But, NO, of course not. That would make too much sense.
So, I saw an ad today for the new RAV4 from Toyota. For some reason, it showed the car rocketing into space with a caption that read, "Wish you were an astronaut?" The whole thing was kinda really weird, but what caught my attention was the disclaimer they put at the bottom: "Vehicle cannot fly" O_o Really?! Because I so totally thought it could... Like, seriously... How dumb do you think I am?
You know what? You don't necessarily have to be yelled at by a person to feel like you're worthless and can't please anyone. Sometimes it's just the inflection of their voice, or the unpleasant way you're glared at for a moment. It might be a simple sigh of plain annoyance, or the way you're brushed off like you don't matter. But in the end it doesn't really make a difference, because you can sense it one way or another. You feel as if you've been yelled at even if you weren't, And you get the feeling that it would be easier on some people if you weren't at all a part of their lives. It's really quite a nasty feeling to experience... But you know what else? It makes me wonder if I ever make other people feel that way. If I could be the cause of someone feeling the same as me. If my words or actions ever make it seem to someone else like I don't want them around me and would rather they just left. And it just makes me want to be more aware of what I do, Because you never know when you are affecting someone else. You never know if others feel like you're treating them the exact same way that you absolutly hate being treated.
J0s14h posted a quote
December 25, 2012 6:30pm UTC
My little brother has Down Syndrome. A week or so ago, my mom had signed him up so he could play the piano and also read a short book for our Christmas Eve Service which was last night. I wasn't quite sure how he would do in front of people. What if he balked? But I didn't want to be the kind of person that doesn't have faith in a person, especially when it's my own brother, just because the world says he's different. At the service, when it was finally his turn, he followed my mom up to the piano, squinching his eyes shut and walking backwards like the show-off he is. When he played his song, I found out that he certainly is starting to learn music. Sure, it was a really over-simplified and easy version of "Jingle Bells". He could only handle playing one note at a time, and it wasn't perfect. But he was so fun to watch; he did really well, and everyone loved it. Then he read a child's version of the Christmas story into a microphone. The pictures and words were up on the screen so we could all follow along. He read as clearly as he could, and didn't seem to mind everyone listening. You could tell that everybody was enjoying it immensely as they chuckled at his obvious excitement and his herioc effort to pronounce the hard words. He finished the story, and emphatically said, "The end!" as he jumped up. When everyone applauded, he smiled in an adorable way, bowing about 5 times, and then he did a hilarious cross between a cowboy and chicken victory dance. I was so proud of him. <3