Today, after the morning news was over, Veggie Tales came on. I was in the kitchen cutting up a variety of fruits and vegetables at the same time. I felt obligated to change the channel so the fruits and vegetables I was mutilating wouldn't see what a better life they could be having. MLIA.
Today, I looked my house up on Google Earth. It thinks my house is about 300 yards away from where it actually is. I feel better knowing that if someone ever tried to use Google Earth coordinates to shoot a missile at my house, they would miss. * MLIA.
Today, I went to the movies to see 'The Goods'. The cashier asked, "What would you like to see?" I replied, "'The Goods', please". We both s t a r e d a t e a c h o t h e r a w k w a r d l y . He looked as if he felt violated. MLIA.
Today, while studying in the middle of the night, my dad came home drunk. I helped him to the sofa and after clearing up his mess, he started going on about how useless my sister Vanessa was, and how good a daughter I am. I am Vanessa. FML.
Today, while teaching swim lessons, a boy was holding a noodle and claimed it was his fishing rod. Trying to be fun, I grabbed on and told him to "reel" me in. He then yells out "YAY, I caught a whale!" FML.
Today, I saw a rabbi buying a hot dog at a kosher meat stand. I asked if I could take a picture with him, and he said yes. While the picture was taken, he did devil horns and stuck out his tongue. Needless to say, I am framing that picture. * MLIA.
Today, I drank out of one of my little brother's straws that changes colors every time you take a sip. Not only was I amused all day, but now I know I'm probably hydrated for the rest of my life. MLIA.
Today, I was driving and I noticed a Geico billboard that had been changed. Someone crossed out "So easy a caveman can do it" and spray painted "So easy a MUGGLE can do it." I want to find the person responsible a n d m a r r y t h e m . * MLIA.
Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The cop was hot so I flirted with him as much as I could. But when he came back to the car he still gave me a ticket. Feeling desperate I said, "I thought you didn't give tickets to pretty girls." His response: "We don't". * FML.