Imagine...
Imagine deciding to live on.
Imagine fleeing to self-harm, and smoking, even drugs once or twice, if you could get your hands on it.
Imagine deciding to change your image. No more thinkiing out loud, or philosophy, or even complex comments. Imagine studying others.
Imagine discovering the joy of music. Imagine fleeing into this world, using it as your example. copying expressions used in songs, words spoken by your favourite band members, being a tough guy Imagine dressing like a punker, even though you get beaten for it at home, because you want people to respect you at school.
And then imagine your mother coming home.
She's angry at you, while you tried to stay strong for her, while you did everything you can just to stay alive. Imagine that your grades have dropped from A's to D's.
Imagine your parents divorcing, and you learning to hide behind a wall of indifference, of locking away all emotions.
Imagine living like that. NO emotions at all. You keep them stored inside you.
But they build up...
and you let them out.
Imagine cutting yourself, burning yourself.
Imagine hiding the scars, for years.
Imagine your parents divorcing, leaving them both poor.
Imagine your mother without a job, and your father heartbroken.
Imagine time passing.
Stuck in that same situation, for years.
Imagine your grandfather dying.
Imagine yourself at the age of 14.
Imagine, finding a friend.
Imagine, starting to be accepted.
Not as who you are, but as who you pretend to be.
Imagine your mother breaking down again.
Imagine her starting to drink again.
Imagine her being diagnosed with schizofrenia.
Imagine it getting worse.
Imagine her thinking you want to harm her.
Imagine it becoming too much for you to keep on hiding, to keep on storing inside of you.
Imagine your first suicide attempt.
Imagine being sent into therapy.
Imagine the therapist not caring.
Imagine yourself, hiding behind your wall once more.
Imagine your father making career, getting rich.
Imagine your mother with too little money to pay the electricity.
Imagine realising, that's how the entire world works. Some have all, others have nothing.
Inequality is the way society works.
Imagine your second suicide attempt.
Imagine going back in therapy.
Imagine hiding, once more.
Imagine starting to steal things, without value, like paperclips, and pieces of chalk, because you feel like you should.
Imagine having gaps in your memory.
Imagine forgetting all your problems sometimes, and feeling all powerful.
Imagine breaking down right after that, and feel crushed by life.
Imagine not understanding what's wrong with you.
Imagine your third suicide attempt.
Time goes by, and your stuck in your situation
Imagine you're 16.
Imagine meeting your best friends girlfriend.
Imagine falling in love...
Imagine doing nothing, because you don't want to hurt him.
Imagine them breaking up.
Imagine her calling you.
Imagine dating her...
Imagine her breaking your heart.
You were something she needed to get over him.
Imagine your friend not letting your down, even though you dated his ex, days after they broke up.
Imagine him taking you to therapy.
Imagine it working...
Imagine finally hearing what's wrong with you.
Imagine hearing you think in a different way, which is why others don't understand you, and you don't understand them.
Imagine being diagnosed as hypersensitive, and rating 148 on the Wechsler IQ test.
Imagine being diagnosed with a manic depression, and Kleptomania.
Imagine being diagnosed with a slight form of Schizofrenia, explaining the blanks in your memory, and the hallucinations you sometimes have (Playing imaginary games as a 12 year old, for example)
Imagine your therapist having a baby, sending you to a replacement therapist.
Imagine yourself, behind this computer, writing out everything that went wrong in your life, asking people to imagine what it would be like.
And imagine starting to feel better, finding strength in the friends you have made, the music you play, the hobbies you have.
Imagine still being crushed, by the problems at home, by your problems at school, by the problems in the world.
Imagine finding true happiness in helping others...
Imagine being me.
FrankConnor