Member Since: 12 Jul 2011 06:20pm
Last Seen: 14 Aug 2012 12:31am
user id: 193995
Pocrescophobia: Fear of Gaining Weight
After four years of starving and over exercising, needles and feeding tubes, terror and anger, medical crises and personal failure, loss after loss. After
all this, I’m only 15 years old. I was staring down a path of a shortened life expectancy, but I was fine with that because I still had this: I was thin. I
was 5’6 and 73 pounds; 73 pounds too much. I wasn’t satisfied, I was never going to be satisfied. People would say “you’re too thin,” but that’s
what I liked; my bones, the empty stomach, the excessive exercising. I was sick, I was weak, and I was admitted to a hospital. After being hospitalized
for five months, I was sent to a treatment center where I’ve been for almost two years. On July 15th, 2009, I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa.
However, along with anorexia, came self harm. I'm not sure why I did it. Maybe because I couldn't cope with everything that was going on inside of
me. Maybe because I thought it was my only way out. Maybe because that was the only thing that kept me from killing myself. I don't know. I
don't expect you to understand, I don't even understand. Many people say that self harm doesn't hurt, but really it does. It's just not as bad as the
pain you're feeling on the inside. Many people also don't understand why someone would purposely hurt themselves. And well, it's hard to
explain. There are many types of self harm: cutting, burning, scratching, biting, and so much more. I've done them all. There was a time when I
wouldn't wear shorts, tank tops, t-shirts, or even a swim suit. I eventually did again and I would notice people looking at me. You know, staring at
my arms, my legs, and my stomach. I was addicted by that point, so I didn't mind. I used to be really self conscious about my scars though, but
luckily for me most have faded.
Atelophobia : Fear of Imperfection
Over the past few years, everything in my life has changed. I've lost myself and who I was. Most people close to me have left, including my best
friend. My family has been slowly falling apart. I haven't been able to go to school for two years. But through all this, I've actually re-found
myself. I finally realized that I didn't want to kill myself. I wanted a life. A healthy life. A life where I could be trusted. A life where I could be a
normal teenage girl. A life where I could eat things without feeling guilty. That is when I finally started to really fight and really try to become better.
Not for anyone else, but for myself. I'm starting to like living. I try to follow my meal plan, I don't self harm, and I try not to over exercise. I'm still
in treatment and although some days are by far harder than others, I've finally reached the point where I've realized that I can't live with anorexia
the rest of my life. Either I beat anorexia or anorexia beats me. For what it's worth I'm Callie, I'm 15 years old, and I am much happier than I have
been for the past four years.
"Stories are for joining the past to the future. Stories are for those late hours in the night
when you can't remember how you got from where you were to where you are. Stories are for
eternity, when memory is erased, when there is nothing to remember except the story."
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