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When you have been best friends with a person for so long, you start becoming that person.. You start talking like them, you start acting like them, saying the same jokes, and gesturing the same way. I picked up on a lot of Shayla's mannerisms, and noticed all the little things she did and vice versa. We shared our bad experiences, our pet peeves, our clothes, our friends. We'd go on and on about our future and how our weddings would be and what our kids would look like and where we wanted to travel, past boyfriends, future husband's, ect. Our conversations were the best. We shared everything with each other. We were attached at the hip from the moment I moved to this little town and we both loved doing crazy things. Some people go through years of random friendships and never experience as close of a relationship as ours. She opened up her house and family to me and I opened up my family and home to her. She became a sister to me. It's crazy how quickly she was taken from me. She always had my back and was always that one phone call or text away or that walk down the street distance.. And one morning, I wasn't there to protect her, she was gone. I would give anything to go back to that morning and fix it. I lost my best friend and sister. Why did God give me the chance to become close to Shayla again toward the end of her life? I don't know, but I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to know her and share great memories with her. I still remember every little thing about her because, in a way, she is part of me. And I can still picture the car windows rolled down, wind in our hair, belting I want crazy from the top of our lungs on our random road trips we'd take. There isn't one day that goes past without the thought of her crossing my mind.

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I don't need the 4th of every month to know I've gone 20 months without you in my life. I feel your absense everyday.
I feel it when I go shopping, when I eat peanut butter, when I go through macdons drive thru, when I hear Luke Bryan or Hunter Hayes on the radio. I feel it when I read short stories, when I watch scary movies, when I straighten my hair or drive on a random back road. I feel it when I pass my test that I didn't study for, when I drink Dr. Pepper and when I take a swig of our ultimate favorite alcoholic beverage.
So much our our friendship consisted of such small everyday things. It's hard to do much of anything and not think of you and the fact that you're supposed to be here, but you're not.. And I just can't deal with that today.
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I used to think I couldn't go a day without your smile. Without telling you things and hearing your voice.
Then, that day arrived and it was so damn hard but the next was harder. And I knew with a sinking feeling it was going to get worse and I wasn't going to be okay for a very long time. Because losing someone isn't an occasion or an event. It doesn't just happen once. It happens over and over again. I lose her when I pick up our picture in a frame; whenever that one song plays on the radio, or when I discover her sweatshirt that she left in my bedroom. I lose her every time I think about texting her, calling or wanting her. I go to bed at night and lose her, when I wish I could tell her about my day. And in the morning, I begin to lose her all over again.
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I'd love to say that I owe my happiness to my best friend. The person that has always been there for me, the one I can trust with everything. But that person is in a place that isn't even comprehensible. That same person that made my life incredible is also the one one that made it simply unbearable. With no one else to trust she left me to depend on myself to make my life what I want I want it to be. That quality is worth more than anything in this galaxy. I couldn't have thanked her enough for everything she did for me. There will forever be a spot in my heart for her. No one; nothing could ever change that. I love her more than words can explain. Forever and always. No matter what.

  1. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    November 18, 2015 4:58pm UTC
    An open letter to my ex best friend,
    It has been months since we last talked; who would have guessed that would ever happen? I still remember the point in time where we couldn't go a few hours without at least exchanging a pointless text message. So much has happened since we last talked and I've wanted to tell you all about it, but you're no longer the person you promised you would always be.
    Don't think I have forgotten all about you, because I haven't. There's not a day that goes by where I don't wonder what you're up too. I sometimes scoll through our old pictures and remember our past together. It's so weird, growing up with you by my side, I never thought I would lose you. You were in all my plans for my future, but people change. You changed. I guess I can't really blame you for that. As we grow up, we become the people we are meant to be and unfortunately who you became was not the person I needed in my life any longer. The person who was supposed to always have my back was suddenly talking behind it. The person who was supposed to be a phone call away, no longer responded. Endless hours of conversations turned into one-word texts. We were growing apart and no matter how much we tried to fight it, one of us had to eventually accept, It was when I realized that being around you made me unhappy that I knew I had to end our friendship. Never in a million years would either of us have seen this coming. It was an unbreakable bond that we shared, but after countless nights of crying and never ending fights, I just had to come to terms with the fact that you weren't good for me. You weren't bringing anymore happiness into my life.
    Although it has to end this way, please don't ever think that all these years together meant nothing to me. I will cherish them forever; our random singing, sleepovers that consisted of no sleep, adventures we shared, the nights we laughed so hard we couldn't breathe. You were my person and I will always remember you and I will always care for you.
    We each choose a path at some point in our life and undortunately, mine no longer included you.

  2. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    September 22, 2015 4:13pm UTC
    Losing you gets harder every single day. It's just another day I wake up to realize it's another 24 hours that I have to go without talking to you and that kills me.

  3. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    July 27, 2015 10:48pm UTC
    I can't say it has been easy learning to live without you. But I can say I have made real progress.
    I can talk about your death without crying. I can look people in the eye and tell them how you died. And now I finally feel like I can be honest with myself.
    I've come to terms with the fact that I will never see you again. I used to look for you everywhere, hoping that you were watching over me and sending me signs. But I don't need you to linger anymore. I am finally at ease with your passing.
    It pains me to amit that I think about you more now than I did when you were alive. I stare into your negative space and fear that one day I will go 24 hours without pausing to remember you. As the sound of your voice grows more distance, leaving parts of you behind seems inevitable.
    Selfishly, one of the worst realizations is that you are only the first of the big losses I will face in my life. It's not just our grandparents who look older these days and our parents no longer seem as invincible as they once did. I've also realized that you might not be the only friend who dies young or unexpectedly. And as cliche as it sounds, I've lost my sense of adolescent immortality. I know it could just as easily be me.
    While it is frightening to think of what comes next, somehow, in your own way, you've prepared me for it. I think it would make you, the eternal optimist that you were, happy to know that your friendship keeps making me a better, stronger person. You showed me that I can function in the face of tragedy. You taught me the vocabulary of grief so I can comfort others when they need it. I never would have asked for it to be this way, but if this is what I can take from it, I will.
    So, friend, that's all I have to share for now. I'll raise a glass for you and as always, I'll keep you in my thoughts.

  4. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    June 21, 2015 8:55pm UTC
    I think the saddest thing in the world is to watch someone you love so much turn into everything you hate..

  5. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    May 21, 2015 10:10am UTC
    There isn't enough bottles I could drink to make them feel as empty as I do..

  6. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    May 9, 2015 4:45pm UTC
    I miss you so damn much.. I can't stop crying.

  7. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    April 7, 2015 2:06pm UTC
    Dear Shayla,
    I miss you. I never thought for a second forever would come to an end.
    I just always knew there would be another conversation, another chance to say I love you.. I was for sure that tomorrow would always come. I never pictured life without you and it hurts to realize that another memory won't be created, another laugh won't be shared and another moment won't be made.
    It's like, how do I say goodbye to yesterday when everything I have to hold on to about you, lives there. And honestly waking up sometimes is bittersweet for me because everything seems normal until I open my eyes and realize it was just a dream.
    After you left, I lived in regret for so long; thinking I could have been there more, thinking I should have called more, thinking I should have prayed for you more. I think to myself a lot about why is it so easy to express how much you love somebody once their no longer here?
    Why didn't I make more of an effort to give you the roses while you can still smell them?
    These thoughts were killing me. Until I realized something.. Until I realized that this is how you would want to be remembered. This isn't how you'd want our relationship to be remembered. You were to much of a happy soul to want anybody to live in regret and grief forever. You wouldn't want a celebration of your life because you believed that death isn't the end. Before a saved soul is just the beginning. This is nothing but the eternal reward that we all seek. You'd want me to keep your legacy alive by giving the world something that you taught me.
    I hear you saying now, "Tori, it's not your job to understand God's plan but it is your job to trust it, even when it hurts to do so. And remember, blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted."
    Just thinking about that keeps me strong. Me doing something in your memory makes me feel closer to you than I ever felt. It's like I can see your presence. It's like you're more alive to me than you've ever been. Now those tears of sorrow are replaced with tears of joy.
    You taught me three things that I want people to hold on to once i'm gone.
    Number 1: Is John 3:16.
    Number 2: Is never live in regret but appreciation.
    Number 3: Don't pass away with me but keep what I believe alive through you.
    And I'll leave you with this.. You know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.
    So leave to appreciate them all.

  8. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    April 2, 2015 3:04pm UTC
    So this is how it ends; this is where it all goes down.
    This is what "I don't love you" feels like.

  9. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    March 27, 2015 3:35pm UTC
    What was it like to lose her?
    It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me.. said all at once.

  10. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    March 10, 2015 5:52pm UTC
    I loved you like there was no tomorrow, and then one day, there wasn't.

  11. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    March 10, 2015 5:50pm UTC
    Sometimes you meet someone, and it's so clear that the two of you, on some level belong together.
    As lovers, as friends, as family or as something entirely different.
    You just work, whether you understand one another or you're in love or you're partners in crime. You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest circumstances, and they help you feel alive.
    I don't know if that makes me believe in coincidence or fate or sheer blind luck, but it definitely makes me believe in somthing.

  12. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    March 4, 2015 4:01pm UTC
    Everyone says you learn the most from your first love.
    They're the person you tell people about years after it's over because when you look back, you see how much you leared.
    However, what happens when you put your first love and chronic anxiety in a room together? For me, denial ensued 2 years and 8 months of it, to be exact.
    At first, it was great, as every new romance is. Every morning, I woke up happy and could not wait to talk to him and see him. Everything was great, right until the honeymoon phase ended and the comfort stage began.
    My first love happened to be my first relationship, and for me, the end of the honeymoon phase sent me into fight or flight mode.
    Why was he texting less? Were other girls more interesting to him? Why does he never ask to hang out anymore? Why does he have tinder now?
    Every day, analyzing his ever move absorbed my life and bombarded my brain.
    I didn't want to be one of those girls who overanalyzed everything, but I felt as if I was going insane. I felt as if I could have become a Victoria Secret model or the next Mark Zuckerberg and he still wouldn't have cared.
    So, like anyone who suffers anxiety and is tryingto make a relationship work, I took it upon myself to go seek professional help for $20 an hour at my college's mental health clinic. I was told my thoughts were normal and I should start exercising more to rid myself of the anxiety. I should try and go to bed earlier and I should adopt a healthier lifestyle. I should give him a space when he's angry and not pressure him to do anything.
    I was paying $20 an hour for a woman to tell me I should completely change who I am so my anxiety would subside. And, at the time, I thought this was a great idea.
    Maybe, if I bought him a $200 briefcase, he would send me a good morning text.
    Maybe, if I tookk him back for the third time, he wouldn't walk out of my apartment again when I told him I loved him.
    I woke up every single day full of anxiety because something just didn't feel right. Even if he did something nice, which was rare since he was "so busy with work," I felt as if it wasn't genuine.
    When you have anxiety, people automatically assume it's your job to fix it. If you get rid of your anxiety, your relationship will be perfect, right?
    "Go see a doctor; it will help, I swear."
    "Maybe you should get on medication."
    "You need to stop worrying about the things he does and doesn't do!"
    However, what it took me 2 years and 8 months to realize was it's not anxiety that causes relationships to fail; It's you trying to force a relationship with a toxic person who is the source of your anxiety.
    It took me 2 years 8 months to realize my anxiety isn't a curse, it is who I am.
    It is what makes me wonderful.

  13. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    January 20, 2015 5:12pm UTC
    Hey there, stranger.
    It's been a very long time, which I'm sure you're aware of. I'd like to say it was your decision alone to keep this distance, but I think we both know it was for the best. I'd like to say that I'm glad you are well, but as we both know I have absolutely no idea how you are.
    The one thing that can definitely be said is that when we cut ties, we leave no strand behind, but slice right through until we no longer remember how to find each other. It's amazing to think that once we were inseperable, the best of friends.
    You knew me inside and out, and I, you.We were there for each other in the best of times and through the most difficult of times.We definitely managed to put each other through hell on occasion, but when support was needed the most, support was given. Until, of course, that final day.
    I sometimes find myself wondering why we couldn't stay in touch. Would it be so bad if we got together for coffee from time to time? Or if we gave each other a ring to see how the other was doing?
    Using the phone to make calls has become archaic, but surely we would send a text to wish each other a happy birthday? Or a happy new year? I mean, we've been through so much. You are a part of my life and there is nothing I can do to ever change that.
    You can't be forgotten because forgetting you would be like forgetting myself, impossible. But then again, maybe you are right. Maybe we are better off as far apart as possible.
    We know we aren't right for each other. We know it would never work, and we know the friendship we have-- we had -- created a bond that would make slipping back into romance too easy. It would make repeating the same mistakes too likely, repeating the same heartbreak certain. That's what it really comes down to: It's not my heart that I'm worried about, but yours. Breaking my own heart would be my responsibily to bear, but I can't once again be responsible for breaking yours.
    So all that I can do is wish you the best. Wish you a great, bright, loving future. Wish you to find the lover of your dreams and to create a lifetime of your fantasies. I wish for you to find a friend as great as me, but a much better partner. One who won't drag you through the mud. One who won't feel the need to bury with guilt.
    I wish you all the best and although you will never read this, although we will never speak again, and although you are out of my life forever, I wish nothing short of happiness.
    Never again to be yours,
    Your Lost Best Friend

  14. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 12:02am UTC
    How many times did I find myself on his bathroom floor cowering beneath him, feeling the hot spit land on me as he screamed? Stop crying like a baby. You're crazy. No one else would put up with you. How many times did I shudder on that floor counting my breaths, bringing myself back from the brink of suffocation during a panic attack that was triggered by one of these maniacal and regular assults? But he never hit me.
    How many hours did I remain on that bathroom floor after he had gone to bed, my eyes red with burst blood vessels? How many times did I hear the sound of his snores and realize he had fallen asleep, no more than a meter away, to the sound of me hyperventilating while still in the throes of that panic attack? How many times did I whisper aloud, "How did I get here? How did I become this girl?" How many times did I tell myself to get up, call a cab and walk out the front door? How many times did I get up and look in that mirror and fail to recognize myself? How much hate could I have for the broken girl staring back at me? But he never hit me.
    How many times did I crawl into that bed, rather than into a cab, and wake up with his arms around me, telling me that I brought it out in him? He wasn't like this. I made him like this. I needed to change the way I approached him about these things. Be less accusatory. If I just softened my approach, it would allow him to react differently. How many times did I adjust my approach before I realized the only way to avoid the abuse was not to bring it up at all? But he never hit me.
    How many emails and text messages did I find? How many parties did we attend knowing that one of the women was there? I learned quickly not to address it so that "I" wouldn't ruin a perfectly nice evening. When his family member asked me if a lipstick she had found under the couch was mine, I threw it away and said nothing more of it. Neither did she. Another humiliation taken in silence. But he never hit me.
    How many times did he tell me he was going to sleep, out for dinner with a client, couldn't hear his phone, but actually taking out another woman? How many times did he ignore my calls and call the next morning telling me nothing had happened? It was sadistic. I could see how much he enjoyed being that powerful. How many defamatory lies did he concoct and propagate to my colleagues and friends when I walked away from him? How many times did he smear my reputation? How many times did I go back, believing every promise that he was a new man, believing every half-hearted apology? But he never hit me.
    How many times did a friend pick me up because he had kicked me out of bed in the middle of the night for questioning him about one of the women? How many times did I go back before those friends had had enough. How many times did I defend him and justify his behavior when I told a friend about what he had done? When did I stop telling altogether to avoid the shame of the insanity of the circumstances I was somehow in -- The shame of being a strong independent woman who couldn't take care of herself enough to leave a situation that was so toxic? When did I stop expecting more? But he never hit me.
    How could I explain to someone that believed it was partly my fault, even though I was embarrassed to hear those beaten woman's words spoken from my lips. No one really understood. No one knew him like I did. It was my job to protect him from the truth of what he did to me. I couldn't let them think he was a monster. I wouldn't tell anyone. I was entirely alone. But he never hit me.
    My solitude meant that I could no longer see the reflection in other people's eyes indicating what was normal. I could only see the reflection in his eyes and began to believe what he told me about myself. I began to believe his irrational explanations despite my own heart and eyes. I let him define reality. I became isolated. It became easier to cut off my support networks completely than to have to lie about everything. Than to face the humiliation of my reality. A part of me knew that once they knew the extent of what was happening, they would force me to get out for good. I knew I would always need to even in the worst of times. But he never hit me.
    I set a benchmark. The red line I wouldn't cross. The minute he hit me, I would leave. But the truth is, I know I wouldn't have left then either. I would have rationalized that in hitting me, he would realize how out of hand things were. Everything would change now. I wouldn't have left. By hurting me, he showed me he loved me. He cared enough to go that crazy. He cared so much that he was overwhelmed by anger and jealousy or sadness and simply couldn't control himself.
    When it was over, I wasn't permitted to mourn him. No one could understand how love, hate, fear and comfort could coexist simultaneously. They could not understand that in addiction to my abuser, I also lost my confidant, the person to make dinner with, the person to watch movies on a rainy sunday, the person to laugh with, the person who knew me. I lost my companion. How can you explain to someone that the abuse was only a part of who he was? How do you explain that to yourself?
    There are still days when I remember tender moments and wonder if it really was that bad. I still struggle with reconciling how he could love me to the point of tears and yet hurt me as if I was an enemy. Like a child, I'm learning to redefine the borders of normal behavior and to realign my expectations. I remind myself that acts of violence can never be acts of love.

  15. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    January 7, 2015 9:37pm UTC
    He scares me. He scares the living soul out of me. That's normal right? To love someone so much that it scares the hell out of you? There's a warmth that explodes in my chest when I see him dance around the kitchen because I never thought that watching him cook dinner could be such a beautiful thing. The way he sways around in his boxers and tastes his cooking; I swear even I envy the spoon that touches his lips.
    He scares me. He scares the living soul out of me. Because I can't help but laugh at his clumsiness and how he forgets his own recipes, like forgetting the cheese, or avocado, or something so insignficant. He's offered me water twice now and I sit patiently at the table wondering when he'll realize he's forgotten all about it. A light flickers in me, he lifts me up with his flaws and insecurities; I never thought that someone's imperfections could do that to me.
    He scares me. He scares the living soul out of me. That's normal right? That I love how he constantly rechecks the oven or the stove or how he glances at the TV whenever he has the chance to. I love how he makes coffee and how his cup somehow always contains more milk than actual coffee. I love his OCD and how he has to plate the food perfectly and how he smiles when he's content with his cooking. There's something scary about how you can grow to love someone more for their passions. How their happiness fills the voids in your heart and how his goals and dreams in life somehow become a part of my hopes.
    He scares me. He scares the living soul out of me because never did I think that this moment is all I ever needed. I never realized that sitting here watching him, is all I ever needed to feel whole.
    He scares me; He scares the living soul out of me because I never knew that loving someone this much was ever possible.

  16. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    January 7, 2015 9:22pm UTC
    After we broke up, I started drinking. I started smoking and my hands stopped shaking for you. Instead they shook from all the sh*t I inhaled, for once it wasn't about you anymore.
    My mother kicked me out three days after you left. I took her car, drove two hours and drank myself numb but even then, you were the only thing I could think about. My mother called me twenty five times and I didn't pick up once, the only voice I wanted to hear was yours. I kept my phone beside me the whole night, I got out of the car and laid on the concrete floor, tried to not think of you. I wanted to call you so f*cking bad, so I got up, got into the car, left my phone on the concrete and drove in reverse, smashed it into tiny little pieces because I know nothing has changed. You still haven't learned how to love me and I still haven't learned how to forget about it.

  17. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    November 24, 2014 9:37am UTC
    The first place we lose the battle is in our own thinking.
    If you think it's permanent then it's permanent.
    If you think you've reached your limits then you have.
    If you think you'll never get well then you won't.
    You have to change your thinking.
    You need to see everything that's holding you back, every obstacle, every limitation as only temporary.

  18. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    November 20, 2014 12:29pm UTC
    Mitch know's how terrible my ex and I's relationship was.. I've spent 4 years in a constant battle with my ex and I never was able to ever tell him what I loved the most without being told to be quite because I was annoying or embarrassing him.. And I never realized how much I apologize for talking about what I love the most, up until I read this text message sent by my best friend Mitch to his friend..
    I don't know, it just makes me so so sad when I'm watching Tori talk about her passion, like when she lights up and starts bubbling over with words and then all of a sudden she stops herself and says stuff like, "Sorry, I know this is boring" or "Sorry, I just got excited." Like I know somewhere in her life someone she respected told her, "shut up, nobody cares." And ever since, she can't talk about her favorite things without apologizing to me every 5 seconds.

  19. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    November 20, 2014 12:22pm UTC
    The hallmark of a human life is loss, it seems. And the body is a vessel for grief.
    That is not an if, but when. When is loss gonna hit?
    And then it is how. How do you carry it? All that grief. And don't even ask why. Why is not a question that grief ever answers.
    I only know this because I have my own grief. I am not looking for more, but it keeps coming anyway. It makes me feel like I'm getting nowhere sometimes, and yet closer to something at the same time.
    Maybe that's because loss doesn't just take. It gives, too. Like a trade.
    I'm going to take this from you but give this to you instead; more space, cleansing tears, better questions, compassion, pathways to the center, maps to deeper wells, less distractions, blankets of darkness, little pools of light under your skin where she touched you but will never touch you again, and holes in your heart that nothing but pure love can fill.
    And then, go. Go into the world and carry these things the best you can. Let them move around and make love messes and surprise you in the mass of bone and blood and skin vessel that you are. Grocery shop with them, chop vegetables with them, go to parties and smile at people with them.
    Be yourself, only different now, with all that grief.
    I saw one day a woman on the beach playing with her dog. I noticed as she stopped and looked at the ocean and folded her arms across herself. I saw her grief then. The way she carried it in her core. Tucked away so people might not notice.
    But then it sneaked up on her, like the ocean was pulling it out of her. And she sat with it for a moment, bowed her head, maybe feeling like it was going to shatter her into a thousand grains of sand before she caught herself and tried to shake it off.
    But grief isn't like that. You can't just shake it off. It doesn't ever really leave. It just changes. And it changes you. It shapes you. Your stance, your stride, your ways of loving and being and moving in the world. The things you do and don't care about anymore.
    And there you are, twenty years later. Sitting in your car outside the supermarket, and all at once you're paralyzed; can't go in because a song just came on the radio that reminds you of the person you loved and lost. The grief that you thought already felt just rises up like an ocean inside you. Pummels your heart with waves and pours out your eyes like stormwater.
    You think, "All this f*cking time and I still feel this grief?" And your body is saying, "Yes. Yes, you do."
    You wonder what the point is, then. Wonder if you could find a way to drain those grief waters out of you for good. Only if you could take the air out of the sky and the carbon out of the stars and the forest out of the trees.
    You see, we are made of grief. And we are meant to be.
    It means we are here. It means we're alive, even though it can make you feel like you wish you weren't sometimes. It means you've risked. It means we've loved and lost and risen and fallen. It means we've been unlocked and held open despite ourselves.

  20. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    November 17, 2014 9:14pm UTC
    That's how you know you love someone, I guess, when you can't experience anything without wishing the other erson was there to see it, too.


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