I'm going to tell you guys everything. From the start, which was about a year ago. I hope you're going to be able to handle it. So I live with an acholic dad and a druggie mother. I know I complain about my parents, but you hae no idea the truth I'm about to tell you. About a year ago I lost my boyfriend, he broke up with me, and he was the only perosn I had told about anything. He was there for me, as I was there for him. Shortly after my parents started fighting, like crazy, physically. Soon my best guy friend Cody and I began dating and things were a little okay. Suddenly I lost him when he moved. I was sure I would never see him again. Until he moved back. He was changed by then though. A totally different person. And he still is. He's still the different, and he still isn't the guy I thought was my best friend. Thats two people that knew everything I lost. Next came my best friend, who I stopped talking too for a year, but then we got back to being friends again. She was so self involved that she didn't realize her talking to everyone that mattered to me, she took them away. I lost her too. That's three people I confided in that I lost. At this point, I decided to stop trusting people. Until I decided to trust another person. Stupid of me, right? Well this guy was Matt and I was extremly close with him. I told him everything, just like I told the others. Excdpt by this time I was self-harming and he was helping me with that. Until one day, I turned him down on a date, and the truth came out. He called me a attention seeking emo, along with a lot of other unkind things. I think that was the point that I started turning my back on humanity. This was now four people who I had been shown didn't care. I truely started thinking nobody else would. Then came my friend Katie. She was self-harming at the time and I guess I thought since we were going through similar things that she would be trustable. I opened up to her, told her everything. And once again she shut me down. She brushed it off and basically acted like I meant nothing and my problems were fake. This was the fifth person who showed me trust was meaningless. At this point I shut down, I just didn't think anybody was trustable and kept everything in. Recently, I told someone named Cody (a different Cody than before) about my suicide attempts and self hate/harm. As far as I know, he hasn't told anybody. I only brought it up once and it was when I was trying to talk him out of suicide, but I'm terrified that I will get played again. My trust is so small. It's gotten to the point where I don't tell anybody, anything. I live in a town completly alone with people I can't trust. People I hate, but have to socialize with because if I break down I get sent away to some looney bin. Therapists don't help, and part of me thinks it's because I don't want help. Secretly I just want something horrifying to happen so that I have a reason to shut down. Something on the outside to happen, not the inside where people won't understand and will judge me. My mom told me to kill myself and ever since then I've been so low. That was probably about three or four months ago but no matter what she buys me, what she says to me, I know the truth. I will always know the truth. It rings in the back of my mind all the time and that's so hard. Can I be honest with you guys? I mean since I'm opening up... I might as well tell you everything. I tried to kill myself last night. Apparently I didn't cut my wrist deep enough and now I just have a deep gash to cover up along with every other scar and fresh cut. I'm pathetic. I'm the product of my own screwed up mind. I'm dark and demented. But what do you see on the outside? Smiles and laughing. I'm not going to give you the line of crap that says "I cry myself to sleep every night." because that's the biggest lie ever. I cried three nights straight and then there was no more tears. I actually can't cry anymore. I cried every tear I had. And thats where the last part comes in. Out of the five people who've screwed me over and made my trust smaller, theres a sixth person. And that disgusting, lying, horrible sixth person, is me.
rooftops*