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rooftops*

Status:

Member Since: 29 Jun 2012 01:50am

Last Seen: 13 Feb 2014 03:51pm

Location: Burlington, West Virginia

Gender: F

user id: 313088

231 Quotes
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come back to me.
hi my names hannah. a aspiring tour manager or guitar tech. regular chinese
food consumer. somewhat of a writer. and a avid concert goer.



 

  1. rooftops* rooftops*
    posted a quote
    January 12, 2014 3:50pm UTC
    A lot has happened.
    I went away for a little while and had fully thought I was going to stay away until recent events. When I say a lot has happened, it's not a understatement. I've visited too many doctors, felt sick for almost two weeks, and still feel bad; but this is progress, right?
    Thursday Jan. 2 I told my mom I needed to go back to therapy. After a long talk with a lot of tears, she complied. I wanted to fix myself. We made a doctor appoitment and I was rediagnosed with severe deperession and high anxiety. I'm on medicine for it. This medicine has made me sick but the side effects should burn off soon and I should start to feel better. I want to fix to myself.
    I was told I needed to go back to my therapist even with the mecicine and I'm okay with that. I have a lot I need to get out and a lot I need to deal with. Things have happened to me that I've never felt comfortable sharing but maybe with the help of a professional I can accept them and move on. I want to fix myself.
    While my therapist had canceled out first session the following Thursday she did call me and talk briefly. She told me I need a place to write things out and mark my progress. This is where she suggested I do it since I told her about this website when we used to have sessions.
    I want to get better and that's not going to happen right away, but I'm glad that it will. It's gonna be hard and ruff, but I can do it. I'm strong. I've made it through nearly four years of emotional and mental discomfort, I can do it some more until I become better.
    Wish me luck.

  2. rooftops* rooftops*
    posted a quote
    November 20, 2013 10:01pm UTC
    Dear self,
    I shouldn't be afraid to talk to my own mother.
    When my mother is the one who brings me down, makes me feel bad about myself, and is usually the one making me cry - I'd say something is wrong.
    She's never once told me that she was proud of me and as I sat in my first block class today, I realized that. As I choked back tears I realized I'm still not what she wants.
    I haven't talked to my dad in two months. Haven't spoken one word.
    My fake happiness is wearing away thin and I really want to finish my self off. I don't see why I should continue. At this point there is nothing left.
    I give up trying to make things okay - they never will be.
    Sincerely, Hannah

  3. rooftops* rooftops*
    posted a quote
    October 26, 2013 5:18pm UTC
    Dear old friend,
    Relapse is dumb and I hate it.
    I'm so sick of not having a home. I'm not saying I don't have a house, I do, just not a home. My mom wants to move out and leave my dad. We are apparently because she packed up our entire living room, her room, and all the stuff we can.
    We don't have a apartment yet to go, so we're here. She keeps saying we're moving yet, she's still buddie-buddie with my dad.
    It's too the point where I don't know where I'm going. I sure as hell don't feel like I'm at home in this house anymore. If we stay, well I can't stay that because I can't stay.
    I haven't talked to my dad in five weeks.
    Relapse is dumb and I hate it.
    Sincerely, Hannah

  4. rooftops* rooftops*
    posted a quote
    October 10, 2013 5:06pm UTC
    Dear everyone,
    I think I owe you all something that you might have gotten confused. I feel you all have a unhonest opinion of me and think I've done barely any wrong and was just fairly did wrong by fate.
    I'm not honest. I used to be the worst compulsive liar and I have misstreated a lot of people. Some would say I deserve everything that's been handed to me-- and that may be the case. I just don't want you all to think of me as some innocent person. I don't derserve all the sweet sympathy.
    Just keep that in mind. Please. I couldn't stand if you all thought I was competely sweet.
    Truthfully,
    Hannah

  5. rooftops* rooftops*
    posted a quote
    October 9, 2013 6:28pm UTC
    Dear you,
    I'm back from the concert. I skipped another day of school because I just really didn't feel like going. My bad, but whatever.
    The concert story. Are you ready? I'm about to get really emotional and lame because this was the best concert I've been to. I've been to a lot of gigs, but this was by far my favorite. Here's why.
    We (my friend and I) got to the venue at 7 a.m. and sat there to wait. I was making sure I got first spot in line, holla. Well we stood there till around 10am and then another couple came and we all sat there and they brough out barriers to form the line. So my friend our standing the bands bus drove by and I saw Matt Flyzik in the front seat looking cute as heck. So I started freaking out because it was like "oh my god this is real" and all of a sudden I look across the street and Rian Dawson is walking with a crew member into the mall. Like I was flipping out like oh my god. So I started crying (I'm so lame but this band means so much to me) and then it just starts pouring down rain. I mean, it was freaking pouring.
    So a worker at the venue brought my friend and I and five other people inside the venue (!!!) and gave us wrist bands and was like, "Come back after the rain, it's cold out there and I don't want you sick. These wrist bands will give you the spot in front of the line back." and we turn around to walk out of the front of the venue and there Rian Dawson is, strutting into the venue with Starbucks in his hand and I was like "oh my god" and like left with my friend to go back to the hotel and like, I was crying and stuff.
    So we get back to the hotel, dry our clothes, eat, and then head back to the venue and few hours later. We return back to our spots and time flys back. Soon enough it's time to go inside. Well we got three people back from barriicade and the first band goes on. Rivers Monroe, and we wedge our way up to the second row. Then The Wonder Years go on and we push our way to barricade. Their set was great and I caught the guitarest pic. It was awesome.
    The Wonder Years leave the stage and Flyzik goes out on stage to stick the setlists on and the lights dim and the bands backdrop goes up and my hearts racing as I'm watching the stage. Just waiting, waiting for this band that means so much to me to run out on that stage. The crowds getting anzy, I'm shaking and almost in tears next thing I knew those four dudes run out. My breath literally hitched as they run around and start playing and I'm jumping and screaming and it feels unreal.
    The play and then stop and do the usual banter they always do and I'm smiling so wide. About half way through the set Alex Gaskarth brings out the acoustic guitar (I had no idea they were going to play acoustics) and then he starts playing Remembering Sunday. I'm almost in tears, I love this song, and it's beautiful as the entire crowd sings along. But that wasn't the biggest part. Therapy, a song that means a lot to me, was playing. Alex is strumming on his guitar and my throats getting closed up but I'm doing my best to sing along. Second verse comes around and I'm crying and I look up at him and he glances at me and smiles, like completely smiles at me as he sings a part and I just made myself stop crying. I made myself compose myself because I'm stronger than that.
    The acoustic songs end and the rest of the band comes out and the set continues. It's the last song and Jack Barakat (my picture is of him if your wondering, he's also the reason I'm still here) jumps on the barriacde in front of me and I grabbed his hand and held his hand and it's the most unreal thing. It's crazy. Just like that it's over and the band leaves. It was the best night of my life and no matter what, nothing can top that.
    A racing heart,
    Hannah

  6. rooftops* rooftops*
    posted a quote
    October 5, 2013 10:38pm UTC
    Dear you,
    Memories are hitting me like a ton of bricks tonight. Everything I said to him; did with him. Which is weird because I haven't thought like this in a long time. I usually don't think about him, ever.
    I was fresh out of reading a book when I remember our promise. The promise that when we were 16 and he had a car, he'd save me. He'd take some cash he had saved up, pick me up one morning while my mom was at work, and we'd drive away. We'd keep driving until we were happy and we'd start fresh with each other. Just each other- because that's all we'd need.
    I started to get worried after thinking about it. I started to think that in a few years, he'll be going into the military and I'll probably never see that smile again. That smile that makes me happy no matter what's going on.
    I never feel the hugs again. The hugs he gives me everyday as he whispers something in my ear. It's usually differnet ever time, and that's what makes he special.
    I fight with the idiot so much but I love him to death. Maybe not a real love, but a teenage love?
    Memories are hitting me like a ton of bricks tonight.
    A plea,
    Hannah

  7. rooftops* rooftops*
    posted a quote
    October 4, 2013 11:27pm UTC
    Dear you,
    How are you doing? I figured I'd let you all know what's happened so your not worrying that I'm dead in my bathroom or something. So, my parents are still together. My mom decided to forgive "my dad." But I haven't talked to him in a week and a half. I refuse too.
    I'm going to see All Time Low monday. I'm very excited because that band has also helped me a lot and since I've never seen them live before, it'll be a good expierence. I'm going with my best friend so it'll be even better.
    I'm confused on a lot of things. I don't know if I should admit this, because it could change someones judgement on me and they know this account so I'm sure they'll see it. I'm shaking thinking about typing this but I have to let it out because it's been eating me up this past year, so here it goes:
    I think I loved a girl.
    I don't mean friendship love. That's the scary yet confusing part of it. I always thought our friendship was nothing more than friendship but now that we aren't friends anymore, I clearly see something there that wasn't just friendship. And to tell you what- I think that's why it hurt loosing her so much. I didn't just lose my best friend, I lost a lover.
    When I was in 5th grade I kissed a girl. A different girl then the one previously mentioned. We all expeirement, right? Well we had a sort of thing and she used to always stay over and we would kiss and stuff. I've also never admitted this to anyone. Moral of the story, I was convinced it was nothing more then just kissing, but lets be honest friend's don't kiss.
    I guess I've just been looking back on a lot of things in my life and questioning who I am and how I feel. I think I just want to be loved.
    With shakey hands,
    Hannah

  8. rooftops* rooftops*
    posted a quote
    September 24, 2013 8:34pm UTC
    Dear you,
    This is the story you heard a million times. On how life let me down in the simpliest of ways. Just as I was starting to become happy again. I come home today with the stress of a school assignment I kept putting off. It's due Thursday but that wasn't the real problem. As soon as I got home my parents were fighting. They fight a lot but it was extremely different. Then my mom said it. She was done and that she was planning on getting a divorce. I thought nothing of it because she's said it before but then we went to her friends and in the car she turned to me; tears in her eyes and said, "I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm sorry, I just don't." and then she told me about how she was going to get divorce papers tomorrow. And the world crashed down around me as I realized what was actually happening. So as I sat at her friends Cindy's house with Kris (Cindy's son) and they talked about how my mom and I are moving in this weekend; I bit back tears. Eventually I couldn't anymore and the walls crashed down and I cried in front of everyone. I guess what I'm saying is this is probably the end of me for awhile. I doubt I'll be able to be happy anymore, and I doubt I'll keep clean. I just think it's kind of sick how I can't even get the slightlest break from badluck. Well I have to go take down my band posters and start parking now.
    Goodbye.

  9. rooftops* rooftops*
    posted a quote
    September 20, 2013 9:09pm UTC
    Dear friend,
    In school we've been talking a lot about our futures. I guess since I'm a sophmore now, and our futures are so soon, they want us to get serious about it. Which I am very serious about it.
    It's just recently I've changed my mind on what I wanted to be. For awhile I was just going to be a cosmetoligist because it was less school and a easy job. But I realized that I wanted a real career and a real life for myself so I turned to the one thing I love- music.
    Now don't get me wrong when I tell you what I want to be. I don't want to be in a band- that's not it. I want to work at a pop-punk record label. Whether I be working in the mixing table, the person who finds new bands, or promotes current bands. I just want to be in the music industry somehow. And since it's so vast, there's many opitions.
    The problem with having so many opitions is that I never know which one to choose. So I just decided I'd major in business- go to community college in New York for the first year, then finish up in California. Since I want to move to California anyway, it'd make since. The year I was in New York, I'd be saving money and straightening everything out for the big move to Cali.
    I take all this seriously because I am trying to figure out my future. And I think I'm doing pretty good at it so far for only being a sophmore. The only problem is that my mom doesn't want me to be that. Everytime I bring up college she tells me I should be lawyer and that it's her choice. But it's not her choice and it's not her future- do you think she understands that though? I hope you anwsered that no, because if you said yes, your wrong. I guess I'm just venting about my future because I'm trying to get my life on track but nobody seems to help or care. It's frusterating.
    Hannah

  10. rooftops* rooftops*
    posted a quote
    September 15, 2013 8:59pm UTC
    Dear stranger,
    Today I looked in the mirror and I realized I had no idea who was looking back.

  11. rooftops* rooftops*
    posted a quote
    September 14, 2013 12:08am UTC
    Dear old friendship,
    I don't think you know how much I miss you. Sometimes you made me feel like really bad about myself, but you were always there. Since I was 11 you were my best friend and these past two years have been horrible and I miss you a lot.
    I could text you right now but I know it wouldn't be the same because you hate me. I screwed it up- like I screwed up everything.
    Our friendship was amazing. We were so close. If we had a whole couch we would still choose to sit right next to each other. It wasn't weird to sit in each others laps. Or even kiss each other on the cheek (you did that alot).
    We were true best friends.
    I look back and try to smile on the memories but I miss hugging my best friend. I miss calling you my best friend.
    We didn't have to ask each other to hang out, we simply told each other we were on the way. Staying at each other's houses for weeks on end was nothing unnormal because we would have lived together we had the chance.
    Our friendship was pure and got tainted with all the horrible things we had to go through. We destroyed ourselves and in the mix of it, destroyed our friendship too.
    I had new friends now, and so do you. But it will never be the same.
    You can't replace a friendship like ours was. People thought we were a couple because we were so close. We did everything together- I couldn't leave without bring you with me.
    So now I'm sitting here getting all nostalgic because when I remember what it was like, I miss it.
    Sincerely,
    A old friend

  12. rooftops* rooftops*
    posted a quote
    September 8, 2013 1:50am UTC
    Dear lost souls,
    It's 1:46am and I'm scrolling through twitter and tumblr trying to clear my mind. I got this feeling around noon today, right before I went to a family friend's wedding. I turned down food, again. I thought I was past this.
    I came home and read a bunch of fanfiction, assuming it would clear my mind as it usually does. It didn't help though and I'm left with this feeling again. A feeling I'm all too familiar with.
    I'm looking at pictures of these bands- telling myself that if I returned to my old habits they would be upset with me. That they wouldn't want me too. But in the end I know they'll never know if I don't tell them. They don't know I exisit so if something were to happen to happen to me- they wouldn't even know.
    It's 1:50pm and I'm thinking of finishing the game I started.
    Tradgicly wrtten,
    Hannah

  13. rooftops* rooftops*
    posted a quote
    September 6, 2013 9:30pm UTC
    Dear friend,
    Three things happened today. First I was sitting in my last class and talking to the friends I made this year. We aren't super close- just people you talk to because you sit by each other and they're kind. Well I realized how nice they were and that they had good hearts and then I realized how I don't trust them. I truely think they'd screw me over. I know that sounds so stupid- and I wish I didn't feel like that. I should trust them, they haven't given me a reason not too? But yet, I can't bring myself to do it.
    Secondly my old friend came back this year. We weren't super close but he was someone I sometimes talked too. He's been gone for almost two years and both of us have changed quite a bit. He told me how he was planning his suicide and such and I just want him to be okay. But then at the end of the day I was waiting for my bus and he came up to me and was talking and then he goes, "I got to go, bye Hannah!" and he hugged me. It was so such a small gesture but it made me think. Just about the small things for that little of a moment.
    The third happened in my first block class when I was thinking while my teacher was lecturing. I was looking at all the people and I started thinking about everything I knew about them. I knew a lot about most of them sense I've known most of them for most of my life. I basically grew up with them sense school. I realized that although I hate most of them or most of them hate me- we're all we got. We as a generation are like a family and although we may not like it- it's real and it's not going to change.
    With thoughts and troubles, Hannah.

  14. rooftops* rooftops*
    posted a quote
    August 31, 2013 4:06pm UTC
    I think a lot- that's nothing new, but a few days ago I really got thinking. I remembering being 5 and walking around seeing the girls dressed in black and thinking nothing of it until my mom would make a snide comment. I remember being 10 and walking past guys covered in tattoos and thinking nothing of it until my mom would snicker and say that they were probably in jail or doing drugs. I remember being 12 and seeing my cousins girlfriend who had white lines all over her wrists and wanting to hug her until my mom later told me how weak she was and how she would probably kill herself soon. I remember not having judgement until my mother put hers in my mind. Now I remember passing a guy in Walmart a day ago covered in tattoos and not thinking of anything but, "Wow, I wonder what they mean to him." and I remember hugging my friend when she told me about her self harm and I saw all the scars. Now I remember looking in the mirror every morning and noting my black jeans and my usual black band shirt.
    And that's when it hit me. The realization and the anwser to my question of 'Why does my mother hate me?'
    She hates me because I'm exactly what she didn't want me to be. I'm exactly what she tried to make me judge.

  15. rooftops* rooftops*
    posted a quote
    August 25, 2013 2:13pm UTC
    Dear you,
    How are you doing? I'm hoping better than me. If you're already in a sad mood, this isn't going to cheer you up so I suggest not finishing it.
    Yesterday my mom and I got in a fight.
    Nothing new, we get in fights often, and I was just going to forget about this one.
    But she said something that really bothered me, and I don't think I can forget this.
    There's only one rude thing she's said to me, out of all of them, that has really stuck in my mind. Which was the time she told me, "If it's really that bad then just do us a favor and end it."
    She told me to kill myself. But I've written about when she said that before so I'm not going into detail.
    Well yesterday we started arguing about something I can't even remember. And I said something and what she said just really hurt.
    With a role of her eyes she said, "God, why did I ever want to have kids? Such a mistake."
    That might not effect you, but for someone who is constantly feeling like a mistake as it, it effected me a lot.
    Now being the person I am, I wasn't about to just let it go. I plastered on a smirk and, "Shoulda kept your legs closed then."
    I knew I shouldn't have said it, and I knew it would add fuel to the fire, but I wasn't in the mood and I'm a smarta//s as it is.
    She just shook her head and went, "I really wish I never had you."
    I don't know why it effected me so much. But it seriously ripped me apart and now there's two things she's said that just keep running through my mind, making me want to end it.
    I'm gonna keep going though. Something happened and from that point on I've promised myself I'd stop self-harming/attempting.
    I'm really going to try. But expect these little letters because they help me clear my mind when my thoughts are clouded.
    With thought,
    Hannah

  16. rooftops* rooftops*
    posted a quote
    August 23, 2013 11:13pm UTC
    my sadness is not
    a cut for you to bandage
    and it is not
    a bruise for you to kiss
    i am not waiting
    for you to save me
    i am hoping you will love me
    while i rescue myself

  17. rooftops* rooftops*
    posted a quote
    August 22, 2013 4:43pm UTC
    Dear losers,
    I'm just kidding, I love you all.
    So today my friend's and I were talking at lunch. I was just sitting doing some homework because there's not a flipping way I'm eating that food. Or any food, but not the point.
    And we were talking about how common teen pregnacy is at my school. There is seriously so many pregnant teens at my school. And my friend Katie goes, "Hannah was pregnant over the summer!" as a joke, right?
    I joked back with, "Duh! You guys didn't know? I got pregnant and had a kid all in two months."
    And my one friend Jess then proceeded too say, "Well that's why your so fat, isn't it?"
    There was only me and three people sitting there so Katie (one of the three people) jumped on him with, "She's f//cking tiny, why would you say that?"
    By now my face is burried into my drivers ed book, just wishing I wasn't there as I tried to study the words on the page.
    So to save himself, and I guess he really thought it would, he goes. "She's anorexic, of course I know she's tiny. She's thinner than me." Which is an utter lie by the way.
    Anorexic.
    For some reason that hurt just as much as being called fat. I'm still yet to figure out why.
    I mean, in some sick way, I kind of want to be anorexic, right? That is why I'm not eating and throwing up my food?
    Who knows anymore.
    Bye,
    Hannah

  18. rooftops* rooftops*
    posted a quote
    August 20, 2013 7:57pm UTC
    Dear friend,
    Today they made us write letters to ourselves. They said, "Write yourself a letter like you're from the end of the year. Kind of like a time warp thing. Like you're going to be reading it." so I did. While writing this letter, I realized a lot about myself.
    One; I do not see a future for myself, so I kind of had too bullcrap the whole thing. But I don't see myself living through this year, so that's the problem. But is it really a problem? I don't think I see it as one.
    And two; Although I'm acting happy too these people at school, I'll never be happy. Regardless of anything anyone says, I'll never be my old self.
    Last night I realized I needed to ask for therapy. I did a few weeks ago and my mom told me, "No. You don't need it. If you want attention, this isn't how." and she walked away.
    I'm terrifed too ask again.
    But today after I drank some coffee and ate a proper meal I couldn't help but feel sick. So as I leaned over a toliet for the first time in months I realized I don't want the help. Maybe I'm perfectly okay with withering away and letting my mental illnessess eat me away.
    It's funny that I used the phrase 'eat me' because I don't even eat. Isn't that weird? I found it humoress.
    Let's see how it goes this time.
    Sincerely,
    Hannah

  19. rooftops* rooftops*
    posted a quote
    August 18, 2013 5:08pm UTC
    I don't know why but I can hardly bring myself to talk anymore unless it's with somebody I really know.
    Let me explain a little.
    I can't make new friends, and when I say I can't, I really mean that. If it's not somebody I've known for a while I can't talk to them.
    Even in the slightest form it sends me into a freak out attack. I'll sweat really bad, get nervous, and start to shake slightly. I'll even get dizzy and have trouble walking/standing up.
    I can't make phone calls to people I don't know. I can't talk to the cashiers or waiters when I go out.
    I freak out.
    I don't even know why. I feel like there's something wrong with me because I should be able too, but I can't.
    And when it comes to do things in front of a class or in front of a group of people, it's even worse. I seriously cannot do it.
    I don't know why and it's really starting to bother me. I'm constantly feeling judged even though I know those people don't care. And my mom is always telling me to 'just get over it and talk' or 'stop acting like a child and talk' but I really can't do it. I've tried but I always freeze or freak out.
    It's not normal. I really want to know what's wrong with me.

  20. rooftops* rooftops*
    posted a quote
    August 7, 2013 4:54pm UTC
    Dear friend,
    That sounds like something from The Perks of Being A Wallflower, but it's not. Trust me. I just don't have anyone to talk too and I felt like this was always a place for me to write out my feelings. So that's what I'm doing.
    I don't even remember the last time i posted a quote. Most of you know I was going downhill. That hasn't changed. But who really expected it too?
    Although I had stopped self harming I picked up the habit again and this time I haven't told a soul. You guys are the first too know, but it's different then telling my friend.
    I can't complain to my friends anymore because I know I'm annoying. I don't want to push them away but sometimes it feels like they wish I would.
    I know they're growing sick of me, but who wouldn't?
    I lied to my friend and told her I asked for help, but in truth, I'm still to scared to ask for help.
    It was easier than her telling me that I should ask my mom to get me help. That's something I'll never be able to ask.
    I think I don't want help because I'm hoping one day I'll just get so depressed that I'll finally be able to kill myself. It seems as though that would be best and it is what I want. But with school starting I know the time will come soon enough.
    I'm dreading going to school and I only have a week left till I'm forced to walk down those horrid halls with people who hate me. I hate them back though, it only seems fair. Most of them are judging, or rude, or just have a problem with me for reason I still yet to have figured out.
    I'm sick of feeling unhappy.
    I used to say that with tears in my eyes but if I'm being honest I don't think I can cry anymore. I don't really feel anything anymore so crying doesn't happen much anymore.
    Tears won't come out and I'm left feeling numb.
    I guess in conclusion I just wanted to be able to type this somewhere and let it out.
    Please don't worry about me, it's annoying, and not worth your time.
    Just know I'm thankful for this website and letting me post all this.

:)

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