To me... this world is like a dark night that swallows everything.
I despise common sense. I've seen this world from every possible angle. this cruel, ridiculous, beautiful world.
Although I'm weak and full of flaws, i will never stop moving forward. no matter who I am,
no one other than myself will create my own existence. No matter what others may think
or feel, I will still move forward as myself.
Because words escape me and descriptions are hard to justify when they fall from my own fingertips,
I used quotes from my namesake to help you understand this crazy beautiful thing that has become my mind.
There's both pain and silence Raging war in my mind The pain is deep and cuts like a knife But the silence is so much worse In silence I feel nothing And I wonder if I'm still there At least the pain Reminds me that I am alive For now, the pain is enough And I will take it over the silence
It's so hard to climb out of this hole I'm in. The walls are thick and the air is thin. You stand at the mouth, rope at your feet and tell me this is a battle I alone must beat. I cry out, but my voice is too weak and the hole is too deep So I curl up and weep As shadows and monsters creep Inside the hole, to where I lay And still you stand, one thing to say "Help yourself. It's better that way."
I know your frustration. It is my own. Why won't I just smile, laugh, be happy? Why must I drown in this sorrow day in and day out? Don't I want to be saved? Don't I want to be better? You ask me why, why won't I get better? But it's so hard to get better when all I've ever been is this.
AngelxAlyce posted a quote
November 10, 2016 8:42pm EST
People say I shouldn't be alone That it mustn't be good for me I should go outside, playful and happy But I've grown so used to the shadows And the dark. They've taken up root inside my heart, filling my chest with death and Decay. it's funny actually. Those people Made me this way.
"I waited for you. I shouldn't have. But that's my problem. I'm always waiting for you. For everyone. But no one waits for me. I saty back, when everyone has moved on, and wait for you to come along. Because I don't want you to be alone. I don't like to be alone, so I don't want you to feel that way either. But you won't wait for me. That's okay. I'm used to being alone. Don't worry. I'll still wait for you. I won't leave you alone."
"I wonder what would happen if you knew. If you knew about the depression, the anxiety. The thoughts. God, if only you could hear those thoughts. Would you still push me aside? Would you still find excuses, make up little lies, and throw me away? Probably not. If you knew how close I was, how close, you wouldn't leave me alone. But that would be pretend, wouldn't it? You wouldn't really love me. You would just feel guilty. I don't want you to feel guilty. That's why I don't tell you about the thoughts. That's why I don't tell you just how close I am. So, when I jump, don't feel guilty. I never told you anyway."
__________•_________ There's a gap in my heart That can't be filled. There's a monster in my head That won't be killed. There's a ache in my throat That won't go away. There's a burning in my lungs That wants to stay. I keep it inside, Save for when I sleep, Cause when I close my eyes The demons will creep. __________•_________
------------♦------------ I can feel it creeping. The darkness. I can feel it pushing against the confines of my mind. The limits I've set up. The boundaries I've set. They're all crumpling down. Down. Down. Down. I'm drowning now. I'm too tired to fight. It's so dark. Just let me sleep. ------------♦------------
“My sister was beautiful once. Not a striking beauty; no one would mistake her for a model. But she had that inner beauty, that glow, that something that every person tries to achieve. It made her beautiful. When I look at her now, all I see are worry lines, dark cirlces, and stress. The light is gone from her eyes, and I haven't seen her smile in years. She used to be beautiful. But I guess depression is like an anti-makeup. It has stolen her light, her beauty. Now all she is, is stress and worry and darkness.”
And I've always had this hole in my chest. I don't know how it got there, or when it first started to grow. But I know it hurts the most when I'm surrounded by familiar strangers, or sitting alone in the shadows of my room. Come to think of it, this emptiness hurts all the time.
“They said they would be there, that I wouldn't be alone. They promised me that they would never let me feel that way again. But then they said that it was too hard, that I was too needy. Too depressed. That I needed to just be happy. They said it was too hard for them, and they left. They left me alone. I guess they didn't realize that it is hard on me too. For me, every second is a fight. But I guess they forgot that part.”
AngelxAlyce posted a quote
February 29, 2016 9:15pm EST
“I see shadows moving when none are there. I hear my name whispered in the dark by an unfamiliar voice. I feel the eyes of strangers following me when I'm alone. But I guess that's the joke, isn't it? I'm never alone.”
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the pain I'm causing you. All the confusion, the frustration, going from one thing to the next. I'm so sorry for all of this. I wish I could fix it. I wish I could be better. But, understand that I'm alone here. There's only me, carrying myself, trying to do all these things that I don't know how to do, trying to stay afloat even though my arms are so tired and I'm ready to stop. I know that you're confused and angry. So am I. And I'm sorry.
I'm nuts, baby I'm mad The craziest fun that you've ever had. You think I'm psycho, You think I'm gone. Tell the psychiatrist something is wrong. Over the bend, Entirely bonkers. You like me best when I'm off my rocker. Tell you a secret, I'm not alarmed You think I'm crazy? The best people are.
I don’t know what I want to say, I think I’ll try another day, I don’t remember anyway. I’m looking up, I’m trying here, I think I might be dying dear. My mind is blank, my tongue is clear, I won’t say what you want to hear. I don’t know what I want to say, I think I’ll try another day, I don’t remember anyway.
«I'm lost. So lost. And the worst part was that I didn't even really notice. I just let people tug me in all these different directions. I allowed myself to be led by the hand my whole life. Which was great...but now, I'm lost. I don't know what to do. All I know is how to follow. I've never been in charge of my own life before. I'm scared, and I'm lost, and everyone is telling me to just suck it up. They say that this is adulthood, and that I should just know. But honestly... I'm lost.»
AngelxAlyce posted a quote
December 17, 2015 2:00pm EST
“I heard her crying in the middle of the night. It was hard not to, I mean, her room was right next to mine. At first I didn't do anything. I just left her alone. But after a while, those cries start to eat at your soul. Your friend is sobbing in the next room, and you're just sitting there pretending you don't hear it. So I went into her room, closed the door, and I just...held her. I didn't say anything, and neither did she. We just held onto each other, and I let her know that I was there. That I wasn't gonna ignore her anymore.”