I'm blessed with the best boyfriend ever. I don't deserve him. He made me get all of my blades together in a box. We walked to a river and threw them in together. Then he hugged me for a few minutes while I cried and he told me how proud he was of me. I really don't deserve him. I love you so much, Jordan.
I don't understand the way I feel. I feel like I don't belong here. I don't feel like I'm meant to live past 20. When I think about the future, I don't think of anything. There's just nothing. I don't plan on making it that far. I feel so alone. I don't know who to tell. Even my old therapist didn't understand. That's why I stopped going to her. Sure, I'm on medication. But I have to take way more than my dosage to feel a little better. I feel numb and empty. I want to feel the pain again. I just want to feel something. 7/12/13
THIS IS GOING TO BE PRETTY PERSONAL-SORRY This is somewhat an "about me" post I've been dealing with self harm since eighth grade-I'm a senior now. Diagnosed with major depression disorder and severe social anxiety in December 2011 and put on medication. Hospitalized for telling my mom and therapist I was afraid I would kill myself January 10th, 2012 for a week. In the hospital again January 29th, 2012 to get staples in my arm. Hospitalized again March 27th, 2012 for bringing a razor to school and cutting too deep. Had to get my arm glued at the doctor; then in a psychiatric hospital for 2 weeks. Cut too deep again July 17th, 2012 but I was too afraid to tell my parents so I superglued it shut.The last time I self harmed was October 16th, 2012. This has been the hardest time of my life. I think about hurting myself every day, even if I'm not sad. People think hurting yourself is dumb and they don't understand it. But you become addicted to the pain. I miss it a lot. I'm still on medication, and I actually feel kinda fine. But I always want to hurt myself. After all this time. I feel like the urges will never go away and I know I'll eventually give in again. Thanks if you read this. I just needed to type this to remind myself what I've been through and how strong I really am.
I don't know when I lost my innocence. I don't know when things got too bad to handle. It seemed to happen so suddenly. Maybe it was the first time I decided to hurt myself. Maybe it was a gradual process. I lost myself. I miss who I used to be.
My aunt just overdosed on sleeping pills and is currently in icu. I can't stop crying because I know how she feels. My brother told me it was dumb to cry about it, but it's different when you've been in the same position.
I'm tired of feeling this way. I have no friends and I feel like I'm going insane. Relying on medication 24/7 to make me feel better is getting exhausting. I wish I could explain how I feel, but I can't. I feel empty. I feel tired. I'm sick of feeling this way.