The first time I picked up the blade was more of a “It helps for everyone else’s pain, why shouldn’t I do it?” thing. It was with an x-acto knife, at first I just scratched. I didn’t bleed, it just left marks for the night and then went away by the next morning.
Then one night, I figured out someone I loved lied to me, about everything. I cut for the first time that night, May 21st, 2012. I still didn’t bleed though, I barely broke skin, but the next morning I checked to make sure it was gone and it wasn’t. I was scared to death. I had worn a t-shirt. Through every class I would wear my jacket, maybe no one would notice right? No one noticed.
That night I cut again, 7 new scars.
I was hooked. I couldn’t stop. I was addicted.
I cut again the next night, 4 new scars.
What was happening to me? I was scaring my wrists because of something someone did. It was my only way to cope with the pain. I couldn’t talk to anyone. My family didn’t know and the relationship. No one knew. I had no shoulder to cry on. I just had the blade. It soon turned into my best friend. I left it. I asked myself ‘Why am I doing this? This is stupid. I’m stopping.” and I did, because I told my sister, I cried out to her over the phone, my mom heard me crying and found out. I told them both I would stop and throw the blades out. I stopped, but I didn’t throw the blades out. How could I? They were the only thing that helped.
June 18th, I cut again, 9 new scars, because a lifelong friend told his mom something about me that was untrue. Saying “a little birdie” told him. I still don’t know the truth.
July 2nd, I cut again, 14 new scars, my best friend was being attacked by his depression, he wanted to kill himself, I spent all night talking to him over text, luckily he didn’t kill himself, but he was still very suicidal.
July 8th, 19 new scars, my best friend who was now my ex wasn’t talking to me and he left the next day for the mental hospital.
July 9th, 12 new scars, my best friend left for the mental hospital.
July 14th, 11 new scars, a girl from my school found my witty, and told me she also used to cut.
Now? I’m at a total of 76 scars. I hate myself for that, but, I’m hooked.
If you read through this, I love you. I just wanted to write this all out.
Ambiemaddux