*In a cooking competition* Judges: So what did you cook? Contestant: I made a chocolate mousse cake with vanila ice cream and sticky apples. Judges: That sounds great! Can we taste? Contestant: No. Contestant: *Grabs the plate and runs away*
It's funny how dentist can explain all your problems by you not flossing. You: I have a cavity. Dentist: It's because you don't floss. Y ou: My tooth fell out. Dentist: It's because you don't floss. You: A guy shot me. Dentist: It's because you don't floss.
Author: Let's write a book. Author: I have to add a meannbitch to spice things up. Author: Everybody hate her now. Author: How about showing her nice and lovable side? Author : She's now the most loved character in the book.. Author: ... Aurhor: .... Author: Let's kill her.
Her: Take off my dress. I took off her dress. Her: Take off my shoes. I took off her shoes. Her: Take off my bra. I took off her bra. Her: Take off myopanties. I took off heropanties. Her: Comes closer. I came closer. Her: *whispers* Never wear my clothes again.
That terrifying moment when you're reading a book, the heroes still haven't solved the problem and there's ony a few pages left. The even more terrifying moment when they have solved all the problems, and there's 200 pages left.
My brain, when I want to go to sleep: Brain: Ok, time for bed. Brain: lol, you have to pee. Brain: It's too hot! Brain: It's too cold! Brain: Why can't you get comfortable? Brain: That's better. Brain: And you have to pee again. Brain: Hey, remember that time you did that very embarassing thing? Brain: And you forgot to do your homework. Brain: Do penguin have knees? Brain: What's that sound? there's a murderer in the house!! Brain: Na, that's just the cat. Brain: No, seriously, do penguin really have knees? Me: SHUT UP FORHFUCK'S SAKE I HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW! Brain: ... Me: ... Brain: ... Me: And btw, penguin do have knees, I googled it.
Best Friend: *jocking* I will give heads for food. Random chick: How are you gonna eat it with no head though? Me: ... Friend: .... Me: .... Friend: ... Me: .... Random chick: I'm serious. Me: ARE YOU FUCKINGHKIDDING ME?