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AcousticMess11

Status: Help, I have done it again. I have been here many times before. Hurt myself again today, and the worst part is there's no one else to blame.

Member Since: 20 Nov 2011 09:22pm

Last Seen: 11 Sep 2012 08:20pm

Birthday: November 11

Location: New Jersey

Gender: F

user id: 241040

96 Quotes
1,053 Favorites
44 Following
27 Followers
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Hey.
Well, I'm Maggie. My birthday's November 11th. I'll be 18 this year.

I could tell you all these things, like I'm okay at singing and playing guitar, I'm always, ALWAYS listening to music, and I want to be a pediatric surgeon. I could go on about things like that, but that's not the real me. Not yet, anyway.
I'm pretty screwed up, actually. I haven't always been this way, but my mom died in November of 2010, so that destroyed me. I'm not going to make my life sound better than it is, but I'm not going to make it sound worse, either. I just want to tell it how it is. My mom had lung cancer. And she was my best friend. I grew up with separation anxiety from her, so I was her tail. I never left her, except to go to school, which often made me sick, just doing that. I never had much of a social life, except going to the bowling center, where my mom bowled, too. Anyway, long story short. Separation anxiety. It sucked. And then she got cancer and I never left her, then, either. She slept on the couch for 6 out of the 9 months she suffered, and I slept on a chair next to her. I started cutting myself then, and I stopped eating while she was in the hospital. She'd tell my dad to make me eat, but that didn't work too well. So yeah, there started my battle with self-harm and eating disorders, which I still battle every day. When my mom died, I went into a depression that I've almost started to come out of. My family is helping me so much, as are my best friends. My older sister and brother and their families finally became a part of our lives. Unfortunately, it took my mom's death for that to happen... Anyway, I think I'm getting off track. I do have a lot of good things in my life. I have goals and a family that helps me. I don't fully connect with my dad or brother that I live with, which is difficult. But I get out of this hell-hole house as often as possible and I'm working on my issues. I'm not even close to better yet, but I'm getting there. So, that's my story. That's why I am the way I am. My other traits include stubborn, sarcastic, emotional, independent, insecure, and caring. I care about others so much that it hurts me. I don't care about myself. But, that's just another thing I'm working on. So, yeah. Anyway, I'm really bad at telling stories and everything. I tend to ramble. But I like talking to people, so talk to me? 

 

memories. Pictures, Images and Photos
  1. AcousticMess11 AcousticMess11
    posted a quote
    September 11, 2012 8:28pm UTC
    You said you don't know my full situation now. But you used to be the only one who knew my full situation. What happened? It's really quite ironic,in a really sad way...

  2. AcousticMess11 AcousticMess11
    posted a quote
    August 31, 2012 11:05pm UTC
    My life's become a deadly routine.
    Purge, cut, starve, repeat.
    When does this feel easier?
    I'm so ready to disappear...

  3. AcousticMess11 AcousticMess11
    posted a quote
    August 23, 2012 9:39pm UTC
    Antidepressants & rehab...
    So I'm supposed to already be on antidepressants. My therapist wanted me on them for at least two weeks before school started. ...School starts Monday... -.-
    I'm hopefully going on them tomorrow, but my other doctor was supposed to call my therapist to confirm with her and she never did. I keep getting put on the back burner for everyone. And I'm getting more emotionally damaged everyday. I'm cutting more, I'm starving myself more, and my thoughts are almost always suicidal. I can't afford to keep being on the back burner. If this continues, I will be off the burner entirely, and I won't have to bother anyone anymore. My therapist keeps asking me if I want to go to the hospital, and I always pause before answering because honestly? I don't know. I just want to rearrange my way of thinking so I can be happy again. I was hoping to just use the pills and they'd fix me. My therapist is checking into this one rehab center for mental illness that I may go to. It looks promising. I just don't want to be trapped there, either. I want to be able to know exactly when I'm getting out, or know that I can leave when I want to. I'm scared. Like, really terrified, scared. Can't I just go back to being normal please?
    Anyway, thanks for reading about my messed up life...

  4. AcousticMess11 AcousticMess11
    posted a quote
    August 19, 2012 9:56pm UTC
    Please
    stop
    forgetting
    me...

  5. AcousticMess11 AcousticMess11
    posted a quote
    August 19, 2012 9:44pm UTC
    It's just that I miss you.
    And I know I'm not worth it.
    And I know I'm a struggle and super difficult to handle.
    I'm trying. This is me trying.
    And you let me depend on you for so long.
    You can't leave me now.
    I know I'm not worth it.
    But please. Please don't leave my life...

  6. AcousticMess11 AcousticMess11
    posted a quote
    August 7, 2012 11:38pm UTC
    I'm not getting better.
    Since I relapsed last Sunday, I cut my hip, my ankle, my wrist, and my stomach.
    The total number of cuts? 9.
    What's wrong with me?

  7. AcousticMess11 AcousticMess11
    posted a quote
    August 7, 2012 11:34pm UTC
    The only thing that's getting better is my ability to hide the cuts .

  8. AcousticMess11 AcousticMess11
    posted a quote
    August 7, 2012 3:09pm UTC
    I remember feeling low
    I remember losing hope
    I remember all the feelings & the day they stopped.

  9. AcousticMess11 AcousticMess11
    posted a quote
    August 7, 2012 2:59pm UTC
    Forget
    how much
    it hurts
    and
    try again

  10. AcousticMess11 AcousticMess11
    posted a quote
    August 7, 2012 2:41pm UTC
    I can feel the calories on my body...
    Eating made me want to cry.
    And there's no way to explain it,
    there's no way to tell anyone.
    to survive on 300-400 calories a day
    She knew it was destroying her
    "You're not eating enough,"
    trying not to cry.
    I will never, never be the same.

  11. AcousticMess11 AcousticMess11
    posted a quote
    August 7, 2012 2:07pm UTC
    "Are you out of your mind?"
    "Yes."

  12. AcousticMess11 AcousticMess11
    posted a quote
    August 7, 2012 1:54pm UTC
    Maybe I'm just thinking too much...

  13. AcousticMess11 AcousticMess11
    posted a quote
    August 7, 2012 1:45pm UTC
    I discovered cover-up is good for more than covering my uneven skin tone...
    It works perfectly for hiding my cuts, too.
    Thanks, Covergirl...

  14. AcousticMess11 AcousticMess11
    posted a quote
    August 6, 2012 4:49pm UTC
    You can't spell
    SCHOOL
    without
    I HATE MY LIFE.

  15. AcousticMess11 AcousticMess11
    posted a quote
    August 5, 2012 10:39pm UTC
    Doctor oh, doctor,
    Please help her.
    I fear she may not be breathing.
    Blue lips, and doe eyes,
    That’s her disguise.

  16. AcousticMess11 AcousticMess11
    posted a quote
    July 31, 2012 4:58pm UTC
    I take these pills to make me thin.
    I dye my hair and cut my skin. </3

  17. AcousticMess11 AcousticMess11
    posted a quote
    July 8, 2012 11:35pm UTC
    Unfortunately, our society sends a huge message: unless you are good looking, you don't matter as much.

  18. AcousticMess11 AcousticMess11
    posted a quote
    July 8, 2012 9:33pm UTC
    .
    I will not bend until I break,
    How much can one bruised body take?
    Just not enough to silence me;
    You're only a memory!
    I'll scream these words 'til they come true,
    Then I will think no more of you.
    Look back on what I'm going through,
    This isn't my identity...

  19. AcousticMess11 AcousticMess11
    posted a quote
    July 8, 2012 7:54pm UTC
    Friend: How much do you weigh?
    Me: Too much...

  20. AcousticMess11 AcousticMess11
    posted a quote
    July 8, 2012 7:49pm UTC
    .Someone: What's the farthest you've gone?
    .Me: I think I went out of my room once idk.

:)

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